Is a normal relationship with my mum impossible?

[louise197]

I've more recently noticed how odd my mum is and how hard it is to live with her since coming back from uni and living away from home for a while. I hate talking badly of my mum as we are close and we do get on sometimes. But... she is always the reason I cry and get angry these days and it's really affecting my confidence and general happiness.
Since a young age she has always been bossy with me, expected the best and compared me to other children 'why can't you be more like ...' was a normal thing I'd hear! And the usual 'why are you so shy - you're weak' - which now I realise is probably because she knocked all the confidence out of me. She used to sometimes say she hated me! But even in my twenties now she carries on, treating me like a child, shouting at me over the smallest things (e.g. leaving a light on).
I am actually quite concerned for her as she gets into extreme rages, this has always been the case, it's like stepping on egg shells in my own home. Even in public she used to swear and shout at me over the smallest thing which I don't see as normal!
It's like she can't control getting irritated to the point of extreme anger over nothing!

At home there isn't a day that goes by without her moaning about 200 times about anything and everything and her getting really angry at me or my dad and shouting and turning into a massive mood. She used to say I was weird for being single, now that I have a boyfriend that occasionally comes round she moans as she doesn't want to wash an extra towel for him and let him use up more water!! (She has plenty of money to afford water!) it seems like everything is a negative to her.
I have been trying to be positive around her but that doesn't make a difference, I just don't know how to stop her being so grumpy, angry and rude! Has anyone experienced similar that can help??

She can go from being lovely and smiley with people to then being in a huge mood or bitching about them to me/ my dad. Or to being friendly with me to suddenly extremely annoyed and sometimes upset.

As a child she found anything she could to shout at me for; being a tomboy, shy, on the skinny side, single. That's mainly stopped as there's less to moan at me about, but anything she can pick at me for she will. Before I got a summer job she said 'you're never going to be able to get a job are you let's be honest'. What a horrid thing to say when I was stressed about being unemployed!! She's had a go at me for just about everything, most things very personal which get to me as I'm sensitive and a lot of nights the comments make me cry before I go to sleep I can't stand it!

If I was to make the smallest comment about her she would start shouting and get extremely nasty to me!

How do I attempt to change her negative ways and have a normal relationship with my mum?? Ive tried being snappy back, saying nothing and laughing it off but it doesn't work she's oblivious to what her words do. I want her to talk to me like a friend not a naughty horrible child!! Ideally I would like to move out with my boyfriend but he may want to live with friends or stay at home longer - he doesn't know my issues with my Mum to this extent as it's embarrassing to talk about. So I need to be able to live with her for longer! Help!

@CSIblonde my mum has also said she wish she never had me and has wasted her life!! Who even thinks these things up to say??

@bumpertobumper I just have no idea how I would suggest counselling, she thinks she's the right one all the time. When I was younger she used to say I was emotionally bullying her, so I always felt like I was the problem but now I see what she's like. Our home is so hot and cold, she can be nice in the morning and then suddenly bursts out at night. Or there are little comments throughout the day that make me feel 5 years old that I ignore.

@wafflyversatile It's tricky, I probably could once I've got a full time job but she would definitely tell me to stay at home and make me feel bad about moving out! That will be another argument in the works

@FrayedHem it's difficult as when I'm away and I don't reply to her text for more than a few hours she will get angry at me. She would start on me even more for distancing myself!
The relationship is hard as sometimes she will be so nice and supportive but the next she will snap and be horrible! I feel like I need my mum as I don't have much family but it's just very unstable

@MatildaTheCat Yeah I think I need to ignore her comments, she doesn't realise how rude she is or how hurtful they are at all. I dread to think she may get worse with age.

OP, my mum is very very similar to yours and I'm maybe a couple of years older than you (I left uni two years ago). I'd absolutely second everything PPs have advised here, especially getting your own physical space away from her as soon as you can. Lots of the PPs here gave me brilliant advice on a thread I started about my mum earlier this year, I can link to it if it's helpful?

for you, you're emerging from the fear/obligation/guilt and, although it's really hard now, it will be so, so worth it. Hugs to you x

Have a pop onto the thread about the worst things your narcissistic mum had done that is running at the moment. And the stately homes threads
It will really help you to feel less alone x

You need to move away if it's at all possible.

I wouldn't go straight to living with your boyfriend if I were you - if he's a nice guy then take it more slowly and have some time living in a shared house. As long as you can afford it, it's easy to get a room in a shared house - make sure you see a few, though; it's easy to like the first place you see when actually somewhere else might suit you better.

@MatildaTheCat Yeah I think I need to ignore her comments, she doesn't realise how rude she is or how hurtful they are at all. I dread to think she may get worse with age.

@christmaspresentaibu Yeah that's be helpful! I just hope I'm nothing like her as a Mum!

@HollowTalk Yeah I'm glad people have said not to rush things with my boyfriend. That may have been a mistake waiting to happen! And I feel like if I was happy at home I wouldn't want to live with him so soon.

My first thought was NPD. Your dad is the enabler.

Even though we can't diagnose, there is no doubt you have toxic parents, yes, dad as well.

You must distance yourself and focus on your own life. Your mother will never change.

I think it's important to live separately before you live together - you need some time in your own space, doing what you like to do and making your own friends, without entering into a permanent relationship with someone.

Your mum has been horrible to you, though - is it possible for you to move out? Can you afford it?

I agree with the PPs - move out as soon as you can, preferably to a rented room in a flat share rather than immediately living with your boyfriend- and then go no contact with your abusive mother. Block her from your phone, your social media, everything.
I did this with my own abusive parents nearly 30 years ago and didn’t regret it for a minute. I didn’t want them having any chance to hurt my children, so went NC when I was pregnant with DD1. I wish I’d done it far sooner. Thankfully they’re both now dead.

You will never have a normal loving mother, OP, but there’s no need to tolerate the shit one you do have.

Op, I was suggesting counselling for you.
Yes, of course she needs all sorts of professional help, but you won't be able to get her to have it.
You can however have some yourself which will help you to process your abusive childhood etc and give you tools to help cope. When you are ready, please bear it in mind...

@louise197, I have exactly the same concern, you're not alone! Being a mum like mine is my biggest fear. It's all a big learning curve (dealing with parents like ours and presumably parenting!) but I think we're too aware of how not to be.

When I started going lower contact with my mum, the drama really ramped up - not wanting to worry you, but just as a warning to prepare yourself. PPs told me there would be a medical emergency to try and draw me back in. Lo and behold, she is 'diagnosed with MS' and I drove down to be there after her appointment - except she'd actually been diagnosed over four years previously and just kept it a secret until it could be used as a stick to beat me with. So people like our mums unfortunately have a special set of tricks and a script that they all seem to know, god knows how.

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3172857-Struggling-with-DM-again?pg=1&order=]] is the thread I've had running in Relationships for a while. Hopefully you'll find some of the advice useful too, although I'm sorry you need it!

Also absolutely yes to counselling. I put it off for far too long but I really recommend it when you feel ready to tackle this stuff. Be kind to yourself, you might have been conditioned to think you don't deserve kindness but you absolutely do.

@bumpertobumper @christmaspresentaibu Yeah I'm considering counselling maybe in the next few years. It looks so hard to actually get counselling appointments though!

The nasty things she says peirce you like little arrows. At 16 I realised it wasn’t me, it was her. I imagined a shield surrounding me, the arrows would then just chink and slide off, instead of embedding in my soul.
Get out ASAP. Work on becoming you, a separate person who she has no power over. You feel guilty as it’s not the relationship you expected with your mother but that’s because of her, it’s not your fault!

It depends what's on offer by your area's NHS trust. I had my first lot of counselling at uni (for reasons I thought were unrelated to my parents), which was relatively easy to access, but I know demand for mental health services at universities has been growing so I'm not sure what it's like where you are at the moment. If you went to your GP, they could advise you. My local trust doesn't do counselling but they did offer an initial assessment which helped me to get my thoughts in order because a MH professional referred to my mum's behaviour as 'emotional and psychological abuse' for the first time. It's worth researching counsellors online too, I speak to my current one on Skype. Appointments are a little pricey but she specialises in toxic parents and recovery from childhood emotional abuse. When you do go for counselling, do make sure you're assessing whether they're right for your needs, because not everyone has experiencence of toxic parents and that'll do you more harm than good.

I'm 37 now. You described my mother perfectly.

You have to move away and break contact to the degree you are comfortable with. She has most likely done a lot of damage to you already. That's why you now have to create space and set your boundaries.

I am sorry to say that when you set out independently it is a hard road. But you are your own person on your own terms. I made a lot of destructive choices when I was young - but they were inevitable for me because of the emotional and mental abuse I was subjected to at the hands of my mother.

Don't make poor choices. Work hard and get away. I am not going to throw a diagnosis out of what your mother has - but logic tells toy something is not right with her.

When you try to become independent and move away she will continue to abuse you, use mental and emotional abuse to try and claw you back. If I was you, I'd get yourself in to therapy straight away and start unpicking the damage she has done.

I am really sorry this has happened to you. You will have suffered so much. It's on you now to demand a healthier life. You may not be able to have a good relationship with her. My own mother only became compliant when my father died and now she needs me. It's a bitter pill to swallow. Don't let this happen to you.

Wafflyversatile
I've just finished my Psychology degree: & did child psychology as part of my teaching degree. And... OP's mother is carbon copy of my mother (who my therapist diagnosed as NPD/Paranoid Personality Disorder).

Then you should know better than to think you can diagnose people from one post by another person and so should your own therapist.

THis is exactly my mother. Following. I wish I'd figured out it wasn't normal years ago. The damage done affected my most recent relationship. You need to move out asap.

I think it's sometimes helpful to be able to say that people like this show traits of narcissism, if that makes sense? It can act as a shorthand like a shared language for us children of toxic parents but isn't the same as diagnosing them as having certain disorders that may not be the case. I suspect that my mum has some sort of mental health disorder that has meant she behaves in the way that she has over the years but we'll never know for sure if she does or what it is, because people like her generally don't do self-reflection and will never seek help or a diagnosis themselves.