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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off af OH?

63 replies

Beautifulblue · 11/08/2018 11:09

OH is going to his friends birthday BBQ today, I was invited to but we spoke about it a few days ago & I suggested he go along with DD whilst I stay home & give the place a spring clean otherwise we would both have to do it tomorrow whilst she's bored & round our ankles. He agreed to this... now all morning his been saying 'do you think I should take DD? I don't know what do you reckon?' Hmm he works 9-5.30 mon-fri so only sees DD in the week for an hour before she goes to bed plus there will be at least 5 other small children at this BBQ (our DD is 13 months, children there range from 1-6) I just think he cba! Would rather go & have a few beers & relax at the BBQ whilst I stay home & clean WITH DD in tow. She'll have more fun at the BBQ but he doesn't seem to care about that. I'm a SAHM who's going back to work next month so mon/fri I have alone with DD doing fun things etc... you'd think he'd WANT to spend an afternoon with her. I'm so pissed off!!

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 11/08/2018 11:32

Give him a choice:

EITHER he goes and takes DD, and you spring clean, then you can all have a day together tomorrow

OR you all 3 go, and he takes DD somewhere tomorrow while you clean

OR you all 3 go, and you take DD somewhere tomorrow while he cleans

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/08/2018 11:34

Yep he's a lazy selfish dickhead.

Original poster
Beautifulblue · 11/08/2018 11:35

@Honestly, I can see it from his point of view as well. I wouldn't want to go on my own with a baby to a BBQ if all my mate were drinking.

Pretty much all the other people going have children to, & the hosts have a son so no one going to be getting wasted. I wouldn't expect him to drag DD along to a drinking day/BBQ type thing.

Anyway... I just asked him, what time are you leaving? 1ish. Are you taking DD? Yeah, I was always taking DD, I just weren't sure whether you wanted me to.

😂 - I think his realised his hints were not getting him anywhere! Let the cleaning commence 🙄/😁

OP posts:
PerpetualStudent · 11/08/2018 11:45

I’m with you OP - a day alone cleaning the house and tackling all those faffy tasks that never get done with kids underfoot (with a few leisurely coffees and Netflix episodes thrown in for good measure!) is 100% better than trying to get the same stuff done with kids there or a social event with vague acquaintances in my book!

Turf them out the door and have a, if not quite ‘fun’, then satisfing day!

Wish I was doing this rather than taking the kids shoe shopping and to a pool party TBH!!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/08/2018 11:51

In your DH's shoes I would be a pissed if at you tbh. Sounds like you're using the cleaning to get out of going to the BBQ!

DowntownDallas · 11/08/2018 12:04

You are being a martyr. No house needs cleaning that badly.

Just go to the BBQ as a couple with your child.

You seem to be wanting to make a point - this isn't the time to do it. You need to sit down and talk about whatever it is you are miffed off about.

You are being a passive aggressive martyr.

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 12:06

You are being a passive aggressive martyr

By asking her partner to parent his own child while she does some housework? How so?

Original poster
Beautifulblue · 11/08/2018 12:08

@downtowndalas

You are being a passive aggressive martyr.

What makes you think that?

OP posts:
Hygge · 11/08/2018 12:13

YANBU. I'm glad he's taking her.

What would be the point in you staying home otherwise?

You're all invited to the barbecue but you said you'd stay home as it's quicker and easier to clean without DD there, and you'll both have to clean tomorrow with her there if you all go to the barbecue today.

He then hints to go alone, leaving you to clean with DD in the house, no help from him at all, and he doesn't have to do any cleaning tomorrow.

What would the point in that be? There's no benefit in that for you, only him.

He gets an afternoon out alone, while you take care of your DD and clean the house.

It sounds like he was expecting you to take care of your DD regardless of where you were. Would he have been drinking and leaving you to care for her if you were at the barbecue?

Oysterbabe · 11/08/2018 12:14

Honestly if I had the opportunity of a day alone, even if it included cleaning, I'd grab it with both hands. Time alone is important and in short supply when you have tinies. Far from being a martyr, I wouldn't be surprised if OP would prefer to stay home.

Nousernameforme · 11/08/2018 12:16

I can understand wanting a rare child free afternoon to crack on and get done you can get so much more finished without two other people under your feet.
At 13 months dc isn't going to remember either the BBQ or the fact that there was only one parent there. Get on and do your tidying I would do the same

DowntownDallas · 11/08/2018 12:20

You are being a passive aggressive martyr.

The house needs cleaning. I will do it while you go to the BBQ. (i.e. you have fun whilst i do work)

Then the comments that he hardly sees the child. She is trying to make a point that she thinks he needs to spend more time with the child. She is also trying to be a martyr- I will clean whilst you go off and have fun.

It is bonkers. No house needs cleaning that badly. If you don't clean it this weekend you can do it next. It is stupid point scoring against a DH who probably doesn't even realise he is playing a game.

Eliza9917 · 11/08/2018 12:21

You are being a martyr. No house needs cleaning that badly

Mine does, it's fucking disgusting but neither of us can be arsed to do it.

I'm sitting here looking at it trying to get the motivation to start it but we might be going out so I haven't started yet.

I'm tempted to see if I can find someone that will come in and do general tidying, washing up, washing and putting the clothes away for about £20 a week but I think that's wishful thinking.

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 12:24

She is also trying to be a martyr- I will clean whilst you go off and have fun

Or maybe she’s relishing the thought of being able to get stuck in without anyone else in the house?

LeftRightCentre · 11/08/2018 12:27

I wouldn't have given this a second thought. Yep, you're taking DD and then crack on. See absolutely no issue with not wanting to go to a BBQ 'as a family' or staying behind to clean and that being indicative of being a martyr. FFS.

Jeezoh · 11/08/2018 12:38

I totally get why you’re doing it OP! When your housework has been getting on top of you and you get the chance to get it tackled without being interrupted then you take it! Especially if you’re returning to work soon with then less time to deal with it. It’s not like you’re ditching a family wedding! Hope you get it done super fast and you get some down time before they’re back!

MaryDollNesbitt · 11/08/2018 12:41

I'll do it for you, Eliza!

Grin

I don't think YABU at all, OP. I'd much rather spend a day at home getting things organised without a small child underfoot, than do the BBQ Blush

Timeisslippingaway · 11/08/2018 12:49

DowntownDallas

You are reading way to much into this. It's a simple case of the up is not bothered about going to a bbq with people she doesn't really know and would rather stay at home and get some work done in peace and get it done quickly. I would love a day alone to put music on at get stuck into my house with no one there looking for food or shputing for a drink every 5 mins.
OP is not being passive aggressive at all or a martyr she genuinely sounds like she wants to get the house sorted!

TwoBlueShoes · 11/08/2018 13:01

It can be exhausting looking after a toddler on your own all week and hard work getting anything done (depending on the toddler). Sometimes it's nice just to send the toddler out for an afternoon so you can crack on with things unhindered. That's not being a martyr at all.

Have a good afternoon cleaning and if you can, put your feet up for a bit and enjoy a cup of tea on your own.

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 13:11

I don't think YABU at all, OP. I'd much rather spend a day at home getting things organised without a small child underfoot, than do the BBQ

I would too!

Original poster
Beautifulblue · 11/08/2018 14:08

So I dropped them both at the BBQ... maybe half hour ago. He text me saying

'hosts child isn't here, & x's child isn't coming.'

So I said ok? But y & z will be bringing their children right? She won't be the only one?

'Yeah I think so'

His actually infuriating me now, just spend the afternoon being a dad ffs. I just feel bad for DD now like she's unwanted there, tempted to pick her up & tell him to enjoy his fucking day & sleep on the sofa tonight

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 14:16

OP the more you post the more I think you’ve got bigger problems than an afternoon of cleaning.

It really shouldn’t be this hard to get a bit of support from your partner, and it certainly shouldn’t be this hard to get him to spend time with his own kid!

Original poster
Beautifulblue · 11/08/2018 14:19

I honestly thought when I dropped them that would be it & they'd have a nice afternoon. Can't believe his still trying to get out of it when they're already there! 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 14:24

When was the last time he took your DD out by himself? Or actually spent some proper time with her?

He sounds like a prize prick from what you’ve posted tbh.

LeftRightCentre · 11/08/2018 15:12

Just stop answering his texts and get on with it. No way you should go and pick her up. It's a few hours of him parenting his own child so you can get on with some much-needed work. Detach yourself and leave him to it.