Let's talk about the "golden child" syndrome

[Thesearepearls]

This thread has been prompted from the thread about narc mothers. Which was humbling to read.

I have two children. I truly believe that I love both children equally. In fact DD was our miracle child (after 3 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregancies). I never believed that i would have a child nevermind two. I love being a parent and I hope that I have been the best parent that is possible given my own failings as a human being.

The thing is that DD had a few problems growing up (she is 20 now). She didnt work at school, despite being very clever, and there was a problem with money. She stole a vast amount of money. I don't want to say how much except it was thousands. She is now at a good university and has a lot of friends and a really nice boyfriend. She's back on the right track.

DS was diligent and hardworking and did his best at school and has done rather well. He's waiting for his exam results but he will go to a very good university.

I firmly believe that I have treated my children equally yet I hear the odd comment from DD that DS was the "golden child". I don't think he was, I think they are both golden children yet DD clearly feels there is some aspect of inequality. That in some way DS was treated better.

I have reviewed my actions carefully. Have i treated them unequally? Why would I have done that? More importantly how did this inequality manifest itself? DD has the larger bedroom which has an en-suite bathroom (this is a function of our house, only two of the bedrooms have en-suite bathrooms and DD being older sort of got the room with the bathroom). They have both been to the same schools. They have both been encouraged and supported I think or hope.

The difference between the two children who are equally bright and I firmly believe equally loved is that DS worked and DD didn't. So her results at school were fine kind of but DS's results were outstanding. We tried to help both children equally.

FWIW I think I am close to both children but possibly closer to DD who talks to me if she is upset about anything where DS will bottle things up.

I'm just feeling unsettled about this golden child thing. I don't want either of my children thinking they're not golden children. But DD certainly thinks about DS as though he's a golden child and she is not. Although she does love her brother and does celebrate his success.

I don't know what do you do when one child feels she's not the golden child?

My brother has a more 'tricky' personality than me. As a child, things came easily to me - things like doing well at school and making friends - while my brother found it more difficult, maybe like your DD. So you could say I was the golden child (as I rarely got into trouble) or you could say that he was (as he had more of my parents' help and attention). In reality I think we were both enormously loved by our parents (and we would both recognise that).

I asked them both (separately) if they felt loved and they both said don't be daft.

I asked DS if he felt they were treated equally and he said he thought his DSis got far more things, which if I reflect back is accurate though not intended. DS is very difficult to buy for because he's not remotely materialistic and things don't matter to him. In recent years I've focussed on experiences more than things - making memories if you will. Much better approach.

I think DD got more of my time because she had that difficult patch and we had to go to the school a lot and we had to talk a lot.

I asked DH and he said that your face transforms when either kid walks into the room. You're always so pleased to see them or hear from them. You flutter round them and you're never satisfied unless you are sure that they are properly fed a home-cooked meal and their washing is done.

I have much more in common with DD - she is reading the subject I read at University so we talk about books and go to the theatre. She comes to the gym with me occasionally. I don't even begin to understand DS's subjects but we have a shared hobby so we often talk about that. He cooks as well so we talk about food.

But one thing that a poster said really struck home. When push comes to shove I do trust DS entirely and whilst all the past is forgiven and forgotten I don't trust DD in the same way. Well I can't, it would be foolish. I couldn't trust her with my bank card because I know I would be putting temptation in her way whereas with DS I would without a second thought..

So I think I do treat them differently. I love them the same though.

Well from what you say it sounds very much that you love your children equally and try to make sure they know this. So I wouldn't worry overly on this count. You sound like a lovely caring parent.

I'd agree with others that golden child doesn't necessarily always have its more recent meaning of narcissistic relationship. It can just mean "my sibling was a goody goody and never in trouble".

I think another poster hit it on the head when they said perhaps it's more a self esteem thing, like, "I've caused more trouble so you can't possibly love me as much". That goes in hand with the "mum goggles" thing.

Maybe next time she talks about golden children or mum goggles you could calmly pull her up on it and say you absolutely have no favourite / are genuinely proud of her. You could also remind her that she and her brother are different people. And also that just because someone doesn't get in trouble / works hard doesn't mean they are happier or will have no problems in life. I was a teen who worked hard and didn't get in trouble. However inside, I wished I was more popular and that I knew how to have more fun.

Every time she says it I would just calmly reassure her. However I wouldn't get drawn into feeling too guilty. It may just be that she knows (consciously or unconsciously) that it pushes your buttons and gets her some attention! Good luck!

for those on this thread who genuinely did have emotionally messed up parenting. There are some harrowing stories on here.

My brothers think I'm the golden child in my family and I have to agree. I'm the baby and only girl and definitely got an easy ride compared to them. Number of factors including my dad being sexist plus my brothers being more difficult.
I think I'm harder on my dd1 than dd2 and my Dh definitely favours dd2 which I find quite sad.