Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Contraception

22 replies

MsBagelLady · 10/08/2018 15:27

I have 2 DDs still at home, both aged 20+
One has had a surgical pregnancy termination, one a medical [I'm not sure I have that right].
One has had the 'abortion pill' followed by two panicked morning after pills, first DD [one who has had surgical] is pregnant again [cries] and booked termination, she wants to be a mum and has decided against due to her DP being a tosser who has no job or any plans to get one and is 'talking to girls on fb to try and hook up' which upsets my DD to the extreme. My DDs BF seems like a loser/tosser and irresponsible at the least [I am trying not to judge] WTF to do please?

OP posts:

Cuppaorwine · 10/08/2018 15:31

I think you need to judge more op.

Your dds are irresponsible in having unprotected sex and need to find reliable contraception and get out and enjoy life while they are young and Shake off the useless men

Cuppaorwine · 10/08/2018 15:32

And in those circumstances I would hope my dds would abort too. Being a single mum is hard and you will end up doing a lot of the childcare.

Merryoldgoat · 10/08/2018 15:42

Why aren’t they using contraception?

Sounds like you need to have serious conversations.

What relationships have they had modelled to them OP? Not chucking blame at you, just trying to understand where the poor decision-making is coming from.

Original poster

MsBagelLady · 10/08/2018 15:44

I've been a single mum and will happy help any of my DDs. I had my first DD when I was 17 and didn't consider terminating [I have no issue with termination] my issue is that DD has made her choice too late and would probably have been better off choosing hormonal contraception instead of don't know what it's called the calendar version.

OP posts:

hammeringinmyhead · 10/08/2018 15:46

Even if they are 20 odd I would be strongly encouraging them to go and get on the pill or at the very least use condoms. That isn't judging, it's just spelling it out to them a way of lowering the risk of repeated abortions.

Original poster

MsBagelLady · 10/08/2018 15:47

Merryoldgoat DD believes she can control conception by paying attention to her menstrual cycle, she ignores the fact that she had a surgical termination a few months ago which would surely have fooked up her cycle?
I didn't have relationships whilst I was parenting children but I may have portrayed a negative idea.

OP posts:

Cuppaorwine · 10/08/2018 15:50

Or stds op. If they catch chlamydia that could cause Infitility to say nothing of gonorrhoea etc.

Look they need to go to their local
Clinic and talk through the options..they sound very immature op. I went with my dds when they were 16 to discuss all this. .

Original poster

MsBagelLady · 10/08/2018 15:50

A negative idea of men

OP posts:

Gin96 · 10/08/2018 15:51

Well obviously that method isn’t working, she needs to go and see a doctor to discusss her contraception options

Original poster

MsBagelLady · 10/08/2018 15:56

I strongly encourage them to use condoms and hormone based contraception but they 'know best' [they clearly do not!] I had a bag of condoms in my car [until they expired] from a local sexual health clinic, my two [still at home] DDs were mortified by this and then proceeded to become pregnant with pregnancies they did not wish to continue with, to them this seemed to be a preferable option to accepting reliable contraception from their mother. To me this doesn't make sense...

OP posts:

Babdoc · 10/08/2018 15:56

A sensible “belt and braces” approach would be a contraceptive implant in her arm to provide almost foolproof pregnancy protection for the next 3 years, combined with condoms against STD’s.
Your DDs are adults - you can only advise or recommend. But I’d be firmly pointing them in the direction of the GP or family planning clinic. And also suggest testing for STDs if they’ve had unprotected sex.

BlueBug45 · 10/08/2018 15:58

OP do you have any female friends that they grew up with? As it would be worth you both having a talk with them about contraceptives that worked for you. (The one using her cycles as a guide clearly doesn't want hormonal methods so talk positively about the coil.)

Then either convince both your daughters to go to the family planning clinic together or you go with each one. Yeah they may be old but as you didn't have such a talk/visit with them when they were 14/15 then you have to do it now.

BlueBug45 · 10/08/2018 15:59

I forgot to say family planning clinics are always staffed by people who aren't judgemental, there as some GPs come across as judgemental and/or ignorant when talking about FP.

Merryoldgoat · 10/08/2018 16:01

Goodness OP - you sound like you’ve got some challenges there.

I honestly am not sure what you can do...

Do they work or are they studying?

Original poster

MsBagelLady · 10/08/2018 16:10

Bluebug45 no I have no friends, when my family was young we travelled and I am far away from where I grew up, also have no family any more anyway, see my 'how do you get on with your mums' post. My DD would be a wonderfully loving mum and she knows it, she finally has the chance of a job with maybe a future and this, along with her man being a useless knob, has formed her decision but it's not the decision she would have liked to have made. I feel sad because I know she would love to be a mum, she has a loving and caring nature [maybe why she's still with the silly boyfriend...]

OP posts:

yikesanotherbooboo · 10/08/2018 16:13

They will be very strongly advised on effective contraception at the termination clinic. Most women come away fro the procedure with some sort of family planning. Not doing so is the more difficult choice so I wonder what your daughter's motivation is?

Original poster

MsBagelLady · 10/08/2018 16:18

I think it's 'knowing best' which is clearly not the case otherwise there would be no multiple pregnancies!
I do not know her motivation other than 'knowing best' which is unreasonable and INCORRECT!
I worry that these decisions might be regretted in the future.

OP posts:

LoveInTokyo · 10/08/2018 16:20

Sounds like they need some tough love.

Tell them to get an implant or the coil or move out?

Merryoldgoat · 10/08/2018 16:25

What have you said to her? Have you actually said something to her along the lines of:

‘you clearly don’t know best: you are pregnant a second time, unplanned, with a partner with no decent prospects. Either you’re an idiot or you actually want to be pregnant. But your method isn’t working and I’m not willing to listen to your nonsense anymore.’

Because this doesn’t sound to me like the softly caring approach is going to work.

crispysausagerolls · 10/08/2018 16:31

You need to be much, much tougher with both of them. I agree with PP who said they sort contraception out or should move out. I wouldn’t condone that slapdash approach to pregnancy and diseases. The daughter facing a termination currently may like to be a mother, but I don’t think someone with such a careless attitude is ready for the responsibility of a child just yet.

Mousefunky · 10/08/2018 16:36

You’d imagine having an abortion already would have made them wise up and find a reliable method of contraception. Abortions are no walk in the park, as much as people wrongly believe them to be. I find it odd they’ve just continued to be irresponsible...

It’s difficult because they’re adults and there’s very little you can do. You can prescribe tough love (sounds like they need it tbh) but it might not work. Not sure what would tbh. They need to go to a GUM clinic and get tested since they’re not even using condoms, whilst there I recommend they talk to the staff about methods of contraception.

Original poster

MsBagelLady · 10/08/2018 16:47

@Mousefunky I find it difficult that they are [or have gone through this] going through this decision making process and why the hell aren't either of them using contrabloodyception? It is upsetting as their mum and just as a woman who wishes to advise them, that they have both chosen to NOT take control of their bodies [until time to choose to terminate their pregnancies] . I have recommended many/all contraception but to no avail. I feel sad that they might regret their decisions, I support them in every way but I do believe that MUCH better choices could have been made by these intelligent young women.

OP posts:

Flip