To ask how you got along with your mums when you were teenagers

[MsBagelLady]

I had a dreadful relationship with my mother, she was an 18 year old art student when she 'had to' get married because she was pregnant in the 1960s, she says she tried to abort me but it didn't work [gads and eww woman, why tell me that] anyhoo once I hit my teens things were dreadful and we have had NC for approaching 30 yrs, we moved from a dreadful relationship to an horrific one and then back to a dreadful one. I have adult kids and will never behave in the same way, we're family and love and support each other through all of it, good and bloody difficult and that's that! AIBU is probably the wrong place to ask but it's busy so how did/do you get along with your mums? PS my mum has great grandchildren that she does not even know exist, I don't ever want to be in that situation.

I got on really well with my mum up until the year between my 17th and 18th birthdays. Until then,I'd been a pretty shy and introverted teen. I was quite overweight and had no confidence in myself. I didn't go out much and spent quite a lot of time at home with my mum.
Then just before my 17th birthday,I started at college,and it gave me a massive kick up the arse. Surrounded by hundreds of people all of a similar age to me,and many of them attractive,I decided that I was going to lose weight. Then,a month after starting at the college,I spotted a guy who was on a block release course that I fancied like mad. That was in October. By the June the following year,I had lost 4 stone in weight,got my hair restyled and had a complete wardrobe overhaul. Plus I got myself a Saturday job. I was like a different person,and my confidence soared.
But my mum didn't like it at all. She didn't like that I was going out more,the way I was dressing, (not in a provocative manner,the same as everyone else at college at that time,skin tight jeans,T-shirt and trainers) and the fact that boys were showing an interest in me for the first time ever. I remember an almighty row between us when she found out that I had 'gone behind her back' to the family planning clinic to get the pill,2 months before my 18th birthday. And when I got my first boyfriend,she didn't like that at all (yes,it was block release boy! .)
I ended up moving out 2 months before I was 19 and getting myself a bedsit with my future husband to be (not block release boy,that only lasted 3 months.) It was only after I'd moved out that we started to get on together again. I remained close to her up until when she died,nearly 7 years ago.

We clashed a bit when I was in my teens, nothing out of the ordinary. We’re both very stubborn and quite similar, so I knew how to push her buttons. We’re very close now though, she’s my best friend.

She had me rather reluctantly at 21 after only discovering the pregnancy at 20 weeks. She also had a rather dysfunctional relationship with her own Mother which I think had some bearing on things.

We didn’t get along one bit. I don’t recall feeling particularly close or loved by her as a child and as a teen, not at all. Our ‘relationship’ was purely shouting matches, that is how we communicated. We very rarely bonded over anything other than our obvious dislike for each other. I left home at 16.

Awful when I was a teenager, I was rude and short tempered, she was emotionally needy (still is) which I had no time for. She was a big fan of the emotional guilt trip which I have been very careful to avoid as much as possible with my dc.

Now we get on fine. Having my dc helps because it opens the doors to understanding some of her behaviour and she loves them which of course is lovely. She’s not my best friend though and never will be, she’s my mum! She has a role in my life, she doesn’t need a new job title. I do tell her nearly everything. Only things I keep from her is stuff that will stress her out!

OP - a helicopter parent is too interfering - zooming in at every opportunity rather than letting their child get on with it.

I've always had a good relationship with my mum. I think she struck the perfect balance between caring for me and giving me independence. She had a rubbish relationship with her own mum so I really respect her for turning that around. I'd love to have that relationship with my own DC - so far so good! (Eldest is 12.)

I could have written your post OP. I wasnt wanted and she told me on a regular basis.

I.e if we hadn't have lost that baby we wouldn't have you. Or your dad is all I really wanted. Nice.

I've now recently had a DC and after not giving a shit about contact with me for a decade she's suddenly crept out of the woodwork. DH has had the pleasure of witnessing her nasty behaviour first hand and is fully in agreement she goes nowhere near our DD.

Leopards dont change their spots, and I'm just glad we don't live in the same county any more.

We argued horribly when I was a teenager (as a parent now I'm shocked at how she treated me, I loved being at uni because I didn't cry the whole time I was there) and into my 20s she was very critical of me and treated me as younger and less responsible than I was despite me being a very sensible teen who didn't go off the rails. She told me I was never going to get married because I had slept with my boyfriend and who would want soiled goods (to be fair that was the standard view of her generation in a very conservative rural community, but in comparison DBro had random women appearing at breakfast without comment). She continues to be critical of me even now (luckily I am successful in most outward ways so she focusses on stuff that's minor and irritating). We live a long way away and we have fairly minimal contact.

My relationship with my mum is terrible. Have been NC for 21 years.

My relationship with teen dd is great. We annoy each other a little sometimes but she can be open with me which is great. I was twice as nervous having a dd rather than ds but being NC means that the kids are free from the toxic abuse of my mother.

She was horrible to me, i remember regularly standing outside the door about to put the key in to open it, shaking with fear, knowing that she was going to have yet another go at me about whatever she had a bee in her bonnet over that day. (No wonder i went through a period of self harm). Then it all came to a head when i was 17, coming home after a weekend away to find she'd packed all my stuff up and told me to move out. I did so (moved to a very dodgy room, with a sexually aggressive landlord) and as i carried my last box out, she stood in the doorway and demanded the key back, so i could not return. She has never acknowledged this behaviour and now she is in a residential care home and it falls to me to visit her. I do, but i have very mixed feelings about it.

I got on fine with my mum during my teen years, although I was very secretive and certainly didn’t tell her everything!

I became much closer to her in my late twenties and now speak to her every day (I’m 31 now). We lost my dad about 2 years ago and now I appreciate her more than ever, cannot even imagine being without her.

Oh yes and she used to accuse me of 'going out, whoring around'. That was nice! I now realise it says more about her than it ever did about me. (I was till a pretty innocent virgin at this point).

God no my dm is awful she wanted complete control and because I wasn't clever enough as her friends dd (same school year) I was constantly punished and made to feel like shit.
Everything was about looking better than everyone else and pointing out that I had better clothes/house etc.
All my choices were met with "you can't do that it's not good enough"
I would of preferred to be poor and have a dm who actually loves me.

Silly cow had the cheek the other day to ask why I constantly put her down
She won't have it that's that what she did to me constantly growing up!
We had massive argument couple of years ago where she was on about cutting me out her will and she was told fine. No amount of money is worth dealing with her.

She IS trying but odd comments etc creep in.

I had a horrid teenage experience. The minute I started to have my own opinion my mother was vile. She couldn't accept anyone having an opinion that wasnt hers, or not being fully in control of everyone.

Her constant abuse from calling me flawed, a whore, hitting me with a stick simply for just not doing exactly what she wanted.

She forced me out aged 15 and I slept on friends sofas until I met an older man who I lived with for a few years.

Despite all this, she tells anyone and everyone who will listen that I'm a terrible daughter and that I've been written out of their will. It's not like I was even a rebel! Sure I was a typical teenage but on the whole pretty well behaved, got all my grades at school and have now been very successful, despite of her. To this day she claims that it's due to her

Sorry to hear about your experience.Whilst my mum was a very good mum in many ways (dependable, responsible, playful etc) and we get on well on the surface (both sociable, chatty and have a good sense of humour) underneath we aren't as close as a mother and daughter should be.This is mainly because she has always idolized my dad (who i have always had a difficult and rather forced relationship with) and put him first.And also I believe, because she also used to smack me as a child,and I don't think was always attuned to my needs.This made things awkward as a teenager since I didn't feel I could talk to her because it was always her and my dad, then me (only child). I went off the rails quite abit in my late teens and early twenties (self harmed,took drugs, was sleeping around, nearly lost my driving licence due to speeding fines etc) i felt lonely and misunderstood and just wanted to fit in.Since I've had my own daughter last year it's made me analyse my own experiences of being parented and relationship with my mum, and whilst it has made me realise how much she did for me and how hard she worked, and how much heartache I must have caused her when I was a teenager, I also feel sad at times that she didn't love me like i love my daughter...i would never EVER raise a hand to her and am working hard to prioritise her.She is my life and I would do anything for her.I hope that because her dad and I parent in a gentle way where her feelings and needs come first, that she will always be able to talk to us, and won't feel the need to rebel as I did

I don't think I ever got on with my mother let alone any of my family.

I remember as a child thinking I must have been swapped at birth but feeling absolutely gutted that as I looked like everyone else even that glimmer of hope had been ripped from me.
My mother spent my whole life in and out of mental hospitals. I was in and out of care. (Which was the only time I felt safe)
By age 11 it had become so unbearable that I ended up becoming seriously ill with a stress related illness.

I moved out as soon as I could and moved far away the following year and have never spoken to her since.

DD and ds have a very close relationship with me. They tell me everything. I am always there for them and don't judge.

I brought them up with the question what would my mother do. Then doing the opposite.

Wow... I'm unexpectedly in bits after sharing the above, clearly I have unresolved emotions about DM I always wanted just hating my guts. I have asked MN to delete it as it's both outing and something I am not sure I should discuss.

What does one do about this sort of unresolved feeling? I suppose counselling?

So many posts here that are sad to read. We can choose our friends, but we can't choose our family.

As a teenager I was always close to my mother (less close to father). She was always there for me, supportive, did so much for me. I was an OK teenage, so looking back I must have been hard work at times!

Writing this I realise how fortunate I was (tears in ears). She's gone a while, I miss her everyday.

tears in eyes!

My entire relationship with my mum is difficult. We get on, we see one another regularly but I don't feel like I have a relationship with her beyond a superficial level and that makes me sad.

There's a lot of things I wasn't happy about growing up, my mum was very controlling and irrational in her behaviour. The house was chaotic. There's things now as a parent myself I can look back on and have sympathy for her, and I understand better. But it still doesn't make stuff OK.

Basically she has undiagnosed MH issues (think OCD), she had two many children close together and couldn't cope with it all. She was obviously depressed and rather than getting help had outbursts that I can still remember from 30 years ago!

My teens were terrible. There was a lot of shit going on in our lives and I never felt like mum was there for me or supported me. I never felt like I lived up to her expectations of me.

Like I said, I still see her but we don't really have a close relationship that I'd like. But I think we're beyond that really. My own childhood really has made me feel me focus on my own MH problems and make sure I get help and support so I don't make my kids suffer the same way she did.

We clashed, big time! She was very controlling and didn’t like that I was the only child of hers to challenge her on it. We had absolutely blazing rows ranging from the food she would try and force me to eat right through to constantly agreeing on my behalf to babysit for my nieces without asking me first. As soon as I could I moved out just after my 18th birthday and went NC for a good few years - she made my teenage years an absolute misery and it still affects my confidence to this day. Even though all her children (and some of her grandchildren) are grown up now and have been for well over 30 years, she still finds it hard to not try and excerpt control - I am immune from that now but my siblings are still very much under her spell. She can also be very secretive and this causes issues in the family too. I will never be close to my DM and although this is something I accepted a long time ago, it still makes me sad at times that I’ve missed out on something a lot of people take for granted. 💐 for all those who are in the same boat.

I didnt get on well with my mum at all from the age of 10 up to when i lost my dad aged 30. She was a horror in my teens and early twenties..controlling, histrionic, depressed and was the start of my self harm at 14. My dad passed away and she suddenly became a nicer person..no idea why, my dad was lovely and we got a lot closer and did stuff together. Shes gone a bit more distant now as shes with another partner and never seems to want to do anything with me anymore but i think a lot is probably ill health but seems able to do stuff with her fella tho.

Im totally different with my kids..approachable and im closevwith my elder teens in a wayi never could be with my own mother

If I started to go through it all in my head, I'd never stop. I had a horrid childhood and made sure that when I had my own kids, I was the total opposite to how I was treated. I love my kids, but my parents were horrible, drunken bullies and at times I hated them, never allowing me to do anything, always having to do what they said.

I don't know how it why my Mum put up with me. Nothing illegal, but a school refuser(as it's called now, we called it twagging) and just a bit obnoxious. Got pregnant at 18, after disappearing from the family home at 17, came running back to Mum at 19. She took me and my daughter in.

Fast forward 47 years, my DD, her partner and I share a home quite happily. DD and I barely had a disagreement during her teenage years. Yes, her bedroom was untidy, yes she drank in pubs underage. But, all in all, she behaved better than me at her age.

And she adored her Nan, my Mum. The feeling was mutual

I was a sensible, compliant teenager but my Mum didn't seem to like me much. Lots of guilt tripping. I feel sad that it was like that.