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Original poster

Am I being precious or is my daughter being treated differently?

27 replies

whyIsARavenLikeAWritingDesk · 10/08/2018 09:11

I'm prepared to be flamed for this completely and I get that there are more important things to worry about but I'm starting to upset myself over it.
My daughter is 20 months old and has a second cousin who is 3, we've recently moved to be near in laws because of ailing health.
Ever since DD was crawling she's been told off for doing things her cousin is allowed, called a devil because she's very adventurous (we don't let her get away with everything) shouted at for nothing.
Since moving down her aunty has been taking her cousin out every week and smugly telling DD that cousin is going out and she's not, I know she's too young to understand but she will get to the age where she will.
Yesterday MIL was repeatedly telling DD to we on the potty when we aren't really potty training properly just encouraging DDs curiosity, she obviously wouldn't go so was called stubborn and naughty.
MIL was trying to talk to DD and seemed to forget her name but tried to call her cousins name, then freely admitted she'd forgotten what she was called.
DP thinks I have an issue with his sister which I do but that's a different issue.
Please be aware this ISNT a MIL bashing thread because before we moved down I had no real issue with them.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 10/08/2018 09:17

This sounds bloody awful. I would!d limit your dd exposure to them, they sound toxic.fancy telling a toddler those things, when she does not have a clue, very damaging.

Whereismumhiding2 · 10/08/2018 09:18

It sounds like MIL is developing cognitive impairment of some kind. I'm sure you're already doing this, but make sure you or DH are there supervising DC whenever at PIL. So you can intervene "she's not potty training, ...don't call her horrible names". Leave early each time if they are being unkind or emotionally abusive in how they treat DC.

SIL just sounds a tad unpleasant, can you do a raised one eyebrow look and say, "that's not very nice thing to say to your neice Auntie SIL (name)" I'd go for full on "Just ignore silly Auntie SIL(name), DC (name), we will take you out"

Returnofthesmileybar · 10/08/2018 09:19

Whatever about her being treated differently, she is certainly being treated badly, why are you putting up with it? What are you saying to them?

Shouted at for no reason at all I don't give a shit if they had a reason, you don't shout at a 20 month old child ffs. Did you pull them up on this?

Re the potty, you say she repeatedly told her to use it, why did you not step in first time and say no, she's fine, we are not training, leave her be.

Sil telling her the cousin is going and she's not just look at her pathetically and say "really, you are bragging to a one and a half year old, cop yourself on ffs"

They both sound horrible, are you living with them? If you are, move back, if you're not stop visiting

BobblyBits · 10/08/2018 09:19

What an awful toxic family!!! Just have nothing to do with them!

Aeroflotgirl · 10/08/2018 09:23

Never leave any of the my supervisors with your dd. You wouldn't let your SIL alone with dd anyway. Each time they speak like that to your 20 month baby, you immediately step in.

sophiec123 · 10/08/2018 09:28

I would definitely not be going round to see them anymore! Also I wouldn't let any of them take care of your child! No matter what my partner said. If they want to see you and your family then they can come to you. Step in when they say things, even if you feel inferior! You're the mother, not them and it's up to you to be potty training, not them!

sue51 · 10/08/2018 09:29

Shouting at a 20 month on is not alright. I would keep her away from these people before they impact on your DD's self esteem.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/08/2018 09:32

I usually am pretty laid back over other people's parenting styles (don't let it get to me when my parents / PIL do things you're no longer supposed to etc) however this would really upset me. The potty training thing is wrong on so many levels. She is too young for a start. Any health professional will tell you not to push it before 2 or 2.5 unless they are showing clear signs of being ready. Pushing them too hard or too early can cause a lot of problems further down the line. And calling a child naughty or stubborn for not doing something they aren't developmentally ready for is just cruel.

It sounds like they have forgotten what a big age difference 20 and 36+ months is and unfairly comparing them. I don't think I'd be able to leave them alone with her - if she isn't noticing how horribly she is being treated now, she soon will

PaulRuddislush · 10/08/2018 09:36

Agree with pp, shouting at a 20 month old is not on. They don't deserve your dd's company, stay away from them.

FluffyMcCloud · 10/08/2018 09:37

We stopped my in laws from seeing my kids as all they did was moan about how badly behaved they are compared to their cousin. I dread Christmas or other occasions when they all get together as in laws just go on about how their other grandson is only badly behaved when he is around my kids.
FWIW everyone else tells me how polite and well behaved my kids are. My in laws just don’t like them Sad
Thankfully my mum is a wonderful grandma to them and thinks they are the best thing since sliced bread Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 10/08/2018 09:40

Calling a baby devil is a disgrace, they are emotionally abusive and dangerous. Says a lot about them. Don't let them anywhere near your baby.

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/08/2018 09:46

If you have moved so you can look after your in laws and they are behaving like this when you have only been around for a short time I would actually consider moving back straight away.

This behaviour towards your DD won't stop no matter what you do or what you say and if at any point your DD ever is better at something than cousin she won't hear the end of it.

Are you planning on staying in the area long term or just for helping out with an illness. I think you have to look into the future if you are planning to stay long term and think what this behaviour is going to have on your DD when she is 3,5,10,15 years old.

ShumpaLumpa · 10/08/2018 09:46

DP thinks I have an issue with his sister which I do but that's a different issue.

So DP doesn't see any issue with the way MIL and SIL treat your DD?

He needs to protect your DD from them, not take their side.

Did you move down to be closer to in laws?

seven201 · 10/08/2018 09:54

Show you dh this thread then get him to have a word with MiL and SIL. It won't be good for your DD.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/08/2018 09:58

I have a small amount of sympathy re: the name issue - we had 6 dogs, 3 cats and two kids, and I had to go through the list to get the one I wanted - however nOT TO BE ABLE TO REMEMBER YOUR GRANDCHILD'S NAME is beyond the pale - and they are treating her appallingly.

As you say, she will soon be consciously aware of their favouritism, and I promise you that even now she is instinctively picking up on their preference for her cousin. Young children, and even babies, take in a massive amount of information from tone of voice, facial expressions and body language.

Do NOT let them make her feel second-class - she isn't! If they can't treat her with love and respect, she doesn't need them in her life.

Missingstreetlife · 10/08/2018 10:15

Outrageous behaviour. Emotional abuse. Run

ShapelyBingoWing · 10/08/2018 10:25

How do they react to you telling them not to do these things? To treat her like a person and stop being cruel?

Redken24 · 10/08/2018 10:32

Avoid these people

Figlessfig · 10/08/2018 10:40

To be fair, I think your MIL (I take it she is one if the ailing parents you moved to be closer to?) may be experiencing cognitive problems. You might want to ask your DH to think about this, or maybe he should talk to his DF.

But this isn’t an excuse to verbally abuse a 20 mo child. And you’re quite right about the potty training. No way should a child be told to use a potty at this age. Too young. If you try to potty train before she’s ready, it’ll take ages, won’t work and will be bad for the child psychologically.

Anecdote: when my youngest was 27 months I took 2 weeks off work to potty train her. Started on Monday. By Thursday she was happily running round the house wearing knickers and going to the potty when she needed to. She was SO proud of herself, and the whole exercise couldn’t have been easier because she was old enough to understand and to be physically able to control her bowel and bladder.

I do feel for you, OP, having upped sticks and moved to be closer to your ILs and then got nothing for your pains except a lot of hassle.

The SIL needs to be told to fuck off (not necessarily in those words!), but the MIL might be a bit more complicated. However, she too can fuck off with the potty advice.

Maliali · 10/08/2018 11:01

You are definitely not being precious. This sounds awful. Your DD is a baby. She’s not ‘naughty’, she can’t control her bowels or bladder yet and it’s her ‘job’ to be adventurous because it’s how she learns . She should not be shouted at for essentially acting totally appropriately for her age poor mite. You SIL sounds mean and spiteful telling her she’s not being taken out and her cousin is. She sounds to have the emotional age of an 8 year old. That needs to stop right now. To damn right you have a problem with her because her behaviour is plain nasty towards your DD. If part of your MILs failing health includes dementia/Alzheimer’s then she can’t help what she does but that doesn’t mean your DD is subjected to it.

Peakypush · 10/08/2018 11:09

Grrr this gives me the rage! I have a DD a similar age and I would be livid if she was treated this way OP. Don't allow it to happen, step in if they start again but honestly if my DD was being treated like this I'd seriously limit the time she'd be exposed to these people. They sound vile.

mombie · 10/08/2018 11:23

You are not being precious and your sil knows exactly what she is doing. Don't let her speak to your child like this. Your dh may think this is normal but it's not your normal so put a stop to it.

My DH grew up with a very strict upbringing and a controlling mother, when my mil tried the same with my kids and called them names in her native language (by daring to speak about their day during a dinner with her). My dh couldn't see the problem and for a second I had a glimpse of his upbringing and I felt really sorry for him. Nonetheless I made it very clear that this was not normal and not how my kids were going to grow up.
Also everytime she digs at my kids and compares them. I tell her how close they are to my mother and how she would never say a bad word about her grandchildren. It annoys her, which is how I know that she is doing it on purpose.

Play up your daughters positive behaviour and don't let their crappy behaviour affect her, she sounds lovely.

mombie · 10/08/2018 11:28

Also, when your sil says she is not taking your daughter out. Look at your daughter and say "Thank god I thought she would never leave! Time for the party to really get started once the boring people are gone!!" Sounds childish but it will feel good!

TittyGolightly · 10/08/2018 11:29

Any health professional will tell you not to push it before 2 or 2.5 unless they are showing clear signs of being ready.

2 or 2.5 is also quite early now. It’s not a good idea to push any child of any age, and showing clear signs of being ready applies whatever the age as well.

Nononannette · 10/08/2018 11:42

And what do you do or say when they criticise your child? You need to defend her. Forget being polite, they aren't being polite at all are they. Possibly the behaviour could be nipped in the bud. (Theirs, not your dds)

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