AIBU or should I keep my nose out.

10 replies

Beardedlobster · 09/08/2018 18:32

I really need some advice.
I believe one of my friends is in a toxic abusive relationship. He has always been very pleasant when we have met him and had a laugh etc.... however occasionally some things my friend have said to me have made me think. This includes after I said ‘wow your hair is getting long’ she said ‘oh yeah I know I need it cut by dh likes it long’. Or that she was panicking to get home when we were out before him as she hadn’t made the bed that morning and he would ‘be upset’. I’ve always kind of said well if he wants the bed made tell him to make it or it’s your hair do what you want and she just laughs.
I’ve been at her house today, it’s a massive house and has all tiled flooring downstairs. My friend had been cleaning and was saying how shattered she was after scrubbing the floors and I said why don’t you get a steam mop they are fab on tiled floors and would save you time/effort etc.... apparently she wants one but dh won’t let her get one as he wants the tiles scrubbed by hand!!
I know there is nothing horrendous in any of this but to me this sounds so controlling and the more I think about it the more I can see how much she has withdrawn from all her friends, we don’t go out half as much as we used too, she has cut her hours down at work as he likes her to be at home.
She was saying today they want to start a family. Everything to me screams she needs out of this relationship. I tried to gently broach the subject today but again she laughs it off saying he has traditional values and that he loves her etc....
I don’t know what to do. I can only see this getting worse. Is there anything to do? Or am I completely sticking my oar in where it doesn’t belong?
Sorry I just don’t know what to do and we don’t really have any other mutual friends I can talk to about it.

OP posts:

Strongmummy · 09/08/2018 18:35

God, what a dilemma. He sounds like a complete arsehole. Have you been more direct and asked her outright if there’s an issue, given her examples of why you’re concerned? I might do that and see what she says. If she says nothing just remind her that you’re always there for her if she needs help. That may plant the seed in her mind that she’s in a shit relationship and there’s a way out if needed

rosamacrose · 09/08/2018 18:39

You can stay being her friend and keep talking. It will escalate. Hopefully, she will ask you for help one day. Be there for here and keep her talking.

Racecardriver · 09/08/2018 18:42

She's going to withdraw more. The best thing you can do for her is make sure you make the effort to stay in touch

Graphista · 09/08/2018 18:42

Have you outright said you're worried about her? I would. Although ultimately her decision.

I'm the child of an abusive marriage, my mother has stayed for almost 50 years. She's had support, opportunity to leave, even been offered places to stay and money until she gets back on her feet...

She won't leave.

At one point after a particularly nasty battering her siblings 'kidnapped' her and us, she still went back. At that point they basically stopped bothering to try and get her to leave.

I don't understand it.

All you can do is let her know you are worried, you have noticed issues, you're there if she needs you.

But I must admit I too would be very frustrated at the prospect of children being thrown into this mess!

MrsGrindah · 09/08/2018 18:43

No answers but I feel your pain. I’m in a very similar position re my stepdaughter

Birdsgottafly · 09/08/2018 18:46

When she describes something, rather than the answers you are giving, have you tried to explain the signs of abuse/control?

That's what i did with my DD when she described what conditions her Partner was putting on her. I also said enough to get her to see herself as a person, separate from the relationship.

Is she definitely not in a Sub/Dom relationship and doesn't want to say it out load?

loveyoutothemoon · 09/08/2018 18:47

But she might be happy?! Have you asked her that?

Original poster

Beardedlobster · 09/08/2018 19:25

Thank you for your replies. I think I could be more direct. The worry with that is if she then pushes me away. Good advice as well to say in more direct terms why the behaviour isn’t right. I will have a think how to word and approach the conversation.

I think you are right in I need to make sure I am keeping in contact and there for her.
I can’t see how she is happy she has changed so much and that day she was worried about getting home to make the bed she was really panicked. That is surely not someone who is happy. I’m just so worried.

OP posts:

MrsGrindah · 09/08/2018 20:26

This is the dilemma for us. Do you say nothing and risk adding to the “ cover up “ and bitterly regretting it if something happens, or do you say something and risk the person shutting you out? I’m finding it so so difficult because part of me says she’s an adult , and yet the other part says if you love someone why not try to help them

garbagegirl · 09/08/2018 20:33

I've had moments where I have worried about things like DH coming home to a messy house or worried about his reaction to something. To be clear this was NOT as a result of him or anything he had done but now in hindsight I can see that it was part of my depression. I was unfairly projecting.

Please don't keep your nose out OP you sound like a great friend and either way she needs you x

Flip