Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Who is unreasonable here - DH or DHex!

19 replies

Winchester89 · 09/08/2018 13:39

So, we have ss every Friday to Monday, always have. As its summer hols DH has been getting him Thursday's keeping til Monday night sometimes Tuesday morning.
Anyway - at Christmas my parents got us all vouchers for indoor skydiving including ss and our dd. My ss is very close to my parents, more so than DH's parents.
Me and DH are at a wedding tomorrow so arranged for my parents to have the kids as its our normal Friday and the skydiving isn't until 7pm.
SS has been in caravan park since Monday with his mum, and DH text her a couple of weeks ago to remind her that skydiving was Friday and as we were at a wedding she would need to drop ss off at my parents - this adds approx. 20 mins to her journey. (As a side, she never does any drop off or pick ups otherwise so it was a one off request)
She didn't say anything until last week she told DH that they wanted to stay in the caravan park until late Friday to have tea (unusual as have to be out of caravan early anyway and she's never done this before ) and didn't really want to have to drive home from caravan park and out her way to drop SS off. DH left it, but I reminded him that my parents had already paid and our dd would be disappointed her brother wouldn't be there, plus, SS would be missing out.
Anyway, it came to a head yesterday when DH told ex that he thought she was being very unreasonable and that he knows her main reason is she cant be bothered to go out of her way to drop him off. She said this wasn't the case etc etc. They agreed to disagree.
Anyway - she text him today saying ' Have spoken to SS, he wants to go (obviously as he was already aware of the trip) so she will drop him off, but in future could we not arrange anything whilst she is away with him'
DH is normally pretty laidback and lets a lot of things slide with his ex but think this really annoyed him. So he responded to say, it was arranged at Xmas and was arranged on a Friday as that is his day with SS anyway. She will now just ignore him as she usually does when he says something she doesn't like. But is he being unreasonable here? All were asking for is a tiny bit of flexibility.
DH has dropped SS off wherever she asks even when its out of the way no questions asked, I just feel she's being very selfish now.

OP posts:

SharkSave · 09/08/2018 13:48

No you're not unreasonable

PrettyLovely · 09/08/2018 13:49

No of course he isnt being unreasonable.

NorthernSpirit · 09/08/2018 13:57

No, you aren’t being unreasonable. It’s your OH’s contact time, she’s just being difficult.

My OH’s EW is the same (bitter and very vitriolic). They have a court ordered contact order. She hasn’t done one pick up and drop off in 6 years and is difficult for being difficult sake. We don’t expect any flexibility from her (she will keep the children and ‘realise’ them at the precise time the contact order states). If my OH dare be stuck in traffic and is a minute late for drop off there’s an abusive message.

We can’t be bothered with the drama and don’t fuel her fire. My advise would be don’t engage with her and keep all communication factual. No emotion (they love the drama).

Original poster

Winchester89 · 09/08/2018 14:03

Thanks, it just becomes so draining sometimes when everything is always on her terms and whatever suits her. I try my best to let most things go but its always something.

Next week DH asked to keep him from tomorrow til following Friday for a week as the current plan was keep him til Monday night, then get him again Friday! so pointless and my parents said they would take the kids away couple of days as they have dd tues wed anyway. And she was difficult about that, but its because she doesn't want him back the following weekend. She never wants him of a weekend so she finds a way to be awkward about it.
Sorry, I know Im ranting but I keep it all to myself, nice to let it out haha.

OP posts:

jelly449 · 09/08/2018 14:30

We have this quite frequently. Dhs ex never does drop offs either, dh does them all but there is no room for any flexibility on his part - but plenty on hers.

I'm due a baby in 3 weeks - elective c section. Have to go to hospital on the Friday for pre op assessment. Have absolutely no idea how long it will take but the appointment is in the afternoon. Dh has let his ex know he doesn't know what time he will be able to collect ss but it will most likely be later than usual due to hospital assessment. However it's not gone down well at all with her.

However.....when she goes off to a festival next weekend, dh is expected to collect ss at a totally different time to what's normal....💁🏻‍♀️

And like your oh ex, when it's something she doesn't like, she won't speak to him for a week. Just have to deal with it the best you can. Dh has learnt arguing really gets you no where

Original poster

Winchester89 · 09/08/2018 15:40

@jelly449
It's frustrating isn't it. How unreasonable is that!! For a bloody hospital apt!
We now just arrange childcare with my parents most of the time to avoid having to ask for any favours.
We do all get on the majority of the time when there are no changed plans (on our part anyway), or at least until DH tells her something she doesn't want to hear.
They fell out last year because she had never taken SS abroad, and instead waited for us to take him on holiday and then go abroad with her boyfriend. She asked DH to not tell ss she was in another country last year when we were at a cottage in the UK - DH refused. Told her exactly what he thought.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 09/08/2018 15:50

""She will now just ignore him as she usually does when he says something she doesn't like.""

Or perhaps she just doesn't want to get into an argument?

Who is she holidaying with, perhaps she doesn't feel right having to go off for the day?

Does she have any other childcare and what is her income compared to yours? Does she tend to have him four/five days and you two/three?

Original poster

Winchester89 · 09/08/2018 16:11

@birdsgottafly
She's with her parents, and is leaving Friday anyway- we have asked for him to be dropped off at 5pm (later than the time DH usually gets him as its his day)
What do you mean go off for the day? I don't understand?
Childcare ? - again I don't know what you mean?
No idea what her income is - she lives with her partner who has a well paid job, she works part time.
We have him Friday - Monday as standard, and more than her during the holidays. He is of school age.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 09/08/2018 16:24

Then she is being unreasonable

I meant does she have anyone else to have him besides from his father. If she didn't then she's in her right to want the weekend break, she's doing the weekly school stuff. likewise if she has him more during term time, then she's entitled to the break during the holidays, especially as you have/use childcare.

I just meant that if she is with a group of friends and their children, it might be awkward leaving early on the Friday.

But that isn't the case. She should have tried to accommodate that. In terms of income, I've known Women to live with well off Men, but get little. I wondered whether it was a choice to not take her Son abroad, or it's a case of can't.

Original poster

Winchester89 · 09/08/2018 16:30

@Birdsgottafly
We'll have to agree to disagree on the weekend thing. I don't think around school care for 4 days warrants every weekend child free for the rest of her life. Which is what she has. But that's another story.
As for holidays abroad- they're taking him this year after DH said something about it to her along the lines of, ss is older and going to notice you never take him away.
We have the 2 of them and don't have the option to go without the kids, so adjust holiday accordingly depending on budget.
Yes she uses her parents fo childcare during the week sometimes

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 09/08/2018 17:31

She has every weekend child free? She's onto a winner there. Funny how she doesn't want to spend time with him when he's not at school...and no you are not BU.

Ivorbig1 · 09/08/2018 17:49

She will pay for her lack of interest, your ss will work out she didn’t spend weekends with him and wonder why. Be yourself and let her carry on being a selfish person.

Original poster

Winchester89 · 09/08/2018 17:51

@Ginger1982
Yep! Every weekend for the last 6 years since they split. Thought it would change when he started school but it never.
I think that's why it always annoys me more, she acts like she has more say when I'm actual fact over the year he spends more time with us

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 09/08/2018 17:54

Yanbu she is

Birdsgottafly · 09/08/2018 18:33

""We have the 2 of them and don't have the option to go without the kids""

Before you have another child, you have to take that into consideration. She didn't opt to have another.

She doesn't have weekends free for the rest of her life, thanks to you, any parent only has that, baring disabilities, for sixteen years.

This won't be an issue forever.

Original poster

Winchester89 · 09/08/2018 18:56

@Birdsgottafly
We don't have the option- neither should she really. She has a son, he should be taken on holiday with her. We would never go away and not take ss.

She has got a VERY cushy deal. I can't change the fact that she doesn't want any quality time with her son, but don't make out she's right in this whole scenario and therefore entitled to free weekends. She's not and she isn't.

The 'issues' only arise when she is deliberately difficult because god forbid she go out of her way once in a while.

OP posts:

Original poster

Winchester89 · 09/08/2018 18:57

@Birdsgottafly
And yes, she does have weekends free for the rest of her life...? When will she not?

OP posts:

MakeItRain · 09/08/2018 19:20

I wouldn't say she has a "cushy deal" not seeing her son every weekend. I think it's sad for her son that that's her choice. Many parents are fighting for as much contact as possible and wouldn't dream of using that phrase to discuss time apart from their children.

As for the being unreasonable bit, the best advice is to ignore any horrible or unfair messages as much as possible. Maybe even go so far as to take the heat out of the exchange with a reply like "will liaise with you next time, thanks for going out of your way to take him he really enjoyed it" etc, even if you don't feel like that.

As the "ex" I always find that being calm and polite generally gets the best results. I gradually learnt never to respond with emotion after the first few months of angry text messages and things got a lot easier in terms of communication and decisions. Ultimately it's best for your SS if the adults are getting on and able to talk positively about each other (and more or less mean it!) in front of him.

Original poster

Winchester89 · 09/08/2018 19:42

@MakeItRain
To be honest it is definitely 'cushy' from her point of view. It's what she wants. I have a child and if me and DH ever split up he's under no illusions that he would not be having them all weekend every weekend.

We do on the whole all get on really well, and they never argue in front of ss.
It's just hard to not be annoyed when everything is literally on her terms. Despite them being very much equal parents.

OP posts:

Flip