Ambu for thinking that teaching <1yr old independence is a myth and can actually be cruel

[Belame]

I'm a first time mum to a 1 Yr old girl and as most mums will know, when you become a mum you are subjected to lots of 'advice' and cricism from literally everyone. My little girl when she was little was colicky and I spent many evenings rocking her for hours whilst she was crying. It was a really hard time for her and me. At that time i had lots of people give me 'amazing advice' from 'leave her to cry it out' to 'you're spoiling her' to 'you're getting her used to being carried' - basically 'you need to teach her independence'.

Particularly my cousin, who had a baby at the same time, would often tell me how she was crying because she was hungry, because I was breastfeeding (she is very pro bottle feeding). She was always rubbing it in my face how her dc was sleeping through the night from 8 weeks and how her dc was so independent. In fact when her dc was 8 weeks she went away with her husband for a weekend leaving baby with in laws, when her dc was 10 weeks she went on holiday for 5 days without dc. She often leaves dc with family and friend overnight to go out. She often criticices me for spending too much time with my baby and says she will end up having separation anxiety and she will struggle because I'm not teaching her independence.

When my dd wasn't sleeping through the night at 6 months, I would often think that maybe I not doing it right, maybe I should listen to my cousin's advice and stop bf and be tougher. I know it's just not 'me' to do that but I was sleep deprived and so tired I just wanted a bit of a break and I was doubting myself a lot.

Now my dd is 1yrs old it all seems a distant past, she's sleeping through the night most of the time. I'm still bf her once a day and 'despite that' she is well behaved and happy. She's started nursery and she's been settling in well.

A couple of weeks ago my cousins baby had to go to a hospital for a surgery and because it was taking place in a children's hospital, they had to travel and stay overnight in a bigger city. It turns out that she sent her OH to stay at the hospital and when he brought their dc home, she's gone away on a girls spa weekend away rather than spend the time with their dc at home after surgery. I guess this is all part of teaching them independence so they don't rely on mummy too much. Ambu to think that's just cruel? I wanted to say something to her but my OH is saying I should just leave it as I won't change her way of thinking.

I think she is bu to tell you , you are doing it wrong. We are all different. I wouldn't leave my child when they had just been in hospital.

However yabu for thinking she is cruel and wanting to say something. You both should learn how someone else parents isn't anyone else's business, unless the child is been neglected or abused.

You’re both wrong.

It’s actuay a bit funny you can’t see that. She’s wrong for pushing her ways on you but come across as judgemental yourself

I do not judge any parent for doing whatever they need to do in order to get their child sleeping properly. I have seen people ruined by their child’s lack of sleep. That is cruelty (IMO.)

I don’t think you should say anything to your cousin, what she decides to do isn’t really any of your business.

But, YANBU in carrying your baby and not letting her cry. Just because she’s carried around does not mean she will end up with separation anxiety. That is a ludicrous claim.

You sound like a lovely mum to your little one, and you’re doing the best things for her and for you. What we do with our children won’t necessarily be the best things for other people and their children.

Keep carrying her, BFing her and loving her OP. I’m sure you’re doing a great job x

Your oh is right. Just like she can’t change your mind, you can’t change hers.
Tell her to stop criticising your parenting next time she does.

You and your cousin are both unreasonable. As long as your kids are loved and looked after, it's entirely irrelevant who parents in what way and whose kid sleeps better or whose kid eats better etc. She's unreasonable for pushing her indpenence views on you and you're unreasonable for making out that she's cruel for parenting that way. She's left the baby with it's dad, not some random stranger. I'm sure dad can look after the baby without mum hovering nearby. If you want to be with your baby 24/7 then that's lovely, but not everyone does.

YABU

Her baby was with her husband, the babies father, an equal parent. To suggest that that’s cruel is ridiculous and very mean. Even when they go away, the baby is well loooked after by loving relatives. It’s not what you would do, but it’s very far from being cruel!

SIBU to think that her baby sleeping through is due to her expert parenting. Some babies sleep through early, some don’t. It’s down mostly to the baby, not to the parents.

Your instincts are right. A child needs a secure base and attachment to parent then they can become more independent always knowing parent will return / is there when they need them.

Are you sure you're not a bit jealous of your cousin for all the freedom she has? If you're happy with your choices then there's no need to criticise others (which she is also guilty of).

(And I say this as someone who practices extended bfing and cosleeping - but I know just because it's right for my family doesn't mean it's right for everyone. I'm just mentioning it to show I'm not suggesting you're jealous because I think her way is the one right way).

I agree with everyone else. None of your business. Just think how you felt when she was giving you her 'advice', do you really want to do that to someone else?

You both sound a bit u.

Why shouldn't she go to the spa? The dad is with the baby safe at home!

How you parent is also up to you and what you are doing is great too.

Keep out of each others business.

I gave mine as much cuddling and carrying around as they needed. I was lucky in that I had the time/choice. One of my children was always described as 'clingy' as up until the age of 3 they liked to keep me close, for example age 2 at a music with mummy playgroup they would sit on my lap rather than get involved in the group. They did enjoy it but from my lap! I cannot tell you how many million times I was told by family and friends that I did too much for my children, they would never be independent etc etc. I was hounded by some people to do things differently. Luckily my DH was on the same wavelength as me. Children now aged 11 - 15 doing well and perfectly independent and confident kids. I have lots of time to myself and do not regret the time invested solely on them when they were babies and very young children.

I would not judge your cousin, as long as the children are looked after it doesn't really matter the who or how. Carry on as you are. Relax and enjoy your baby. Let other people do it their way.