AIBU to feel like I’ve let my children down by the choice of their father?

[FloweringOrchid]

In tears here. Me and my kids dad split up when I was pregnant with the youngest (6 years ago). He was cheating with both men and women, compulsively lied and there was abuse. He got another girl pregnant in the time that I was carrying ours. I was young when this happened and have been very unwell mentally since.

He has neglected them from the start. So many times he has promised me and them personally that he will see them on a certain date...either he will not show up or I get the most ludicrous excuses an hour before. He has used some really sick and twisted excuses, lying about people being ill/car crashes etc.

This has been going on for so long. It has had such a detrimental impact on myself and I think it is damaging my children. I lost my father as a child, and have always wanted them to have a good relationship with theirs because of this. But he is playing with their tiny little minds and I am feeling so guily for facilitating it for so long.

He was meant to see them today, and has told them to their faces that he would. I have not long recieved a long winded message about his new daughter climbing out of her cot and banging her head, hospital, bruises yadda yadda. Ive read so many of these lie texts to know its once again bullshit. And again, an hour before pick up time.

I’ve had enough. I feel like I’ve failed as a mother by letting him do this for so long. All so that they can have a relationship with their dad and so that I can have a break. I have zero help and I am drained.

Please give me some advice on what to do next, he has broken me and my innocent children.

First of all; like you I lost my father as a child and I am so sorry for your loss.

Also similar to you I gave my sons dad far too many chances to be a dad because I didn’t want my child growing up without a father. You did this with the best intentions so don’t beat yourself up about it.

Moving forwards tell dad he can see them in x day at x time. If he doesn’t turn up fine. But don’t tell the kids he is coming (less upset for you to deal with) arrange by email etc so if it goes to court/your kids want to know why they didn’t see daddy in years to come you have the proof.

You are doing an amazing job as a Mum.

I also lost my Father as a child, so can understand.

I think your best bet here is to go NC for a while. Make him realise that he cannot continue to waltz in and out as it suits him. Your poor kids.

Do you have an official arrangement in place re: access? If not, get one set up. The if he continues to mess them around you can withdraw access.

Unfortunately you can't force him not to be selfish arsehole.

Are you in touch with family? Do you have friends around you? Why do you have no help? I understand it must be knackering and you need some 'you' time, but you don't have to feel guilty.

You sound like a lovely Mum. It's him that's doing the damage, not you.

We had a verbal agreement of Friday night (pick up from school) and returned Saturday at 5pm. He informed me a couple of months ago with one of his long winded lie texts that he now has to work every other Saturday (his place of work is shut and locked up over the weekend!) so he changed it to every other Friday with the original times and to see them once in the week every week for dinner. I pushed for him to just see them on a Sunday instead but he will not budge. His time is more important than ours.

He has had them twice since this. Just twice. No family to help out, I have no friends because I have been so consumed with the children and ill health.

It just feels like we’re all one big game to him Thank you for your kind words x