ex partner/father of the babies sister is being pushy wanting to look after the baby!

Original poster

newmummy1988 · 09/08/2018 02:23

Not sure what else to do but I really need some advice and help with this situation.
Me and my ex were together for 2 and a half years, had a rocky relationship and I never really met his family besides the odd time for a few hours over the 2.5 years but never got close. He is also not close to his family at all and bad mouthed them throughout the relationship. We spilt up ten weeks before I gave birth and I have pretty much cared for baby alone for the past 4 months with a few weekly visits from him and spending time together on a Saturday.
All is fine and we seem to be getting on well at the moment and the arrangement suits us. But since our son has been 1 month old his sister, who has three kids herself, any chance she has gotten she will ask to have my son overnight or for a few hours. I feel COMPLETELY uncomfortable with this and have only left him with my mum twice for a few hours and he's 4 months old. He hasn't even been left alone with his own dad yet.
Every time I post a photo of the baby, she asks me publically on social media.The first time I ignored her, so she then proceeded to inbox message me to ask again. I told her I was breastfeeding so no one was having him overnight. She said ok. But then again a few months later she's asking again publically can she have him for a few hours. I do not need anyone to have him, I want to spend as much time as I can with him before I have to return to work and I do not know her well enough, nor does my son for me to leave him with her. She has never made an efffort with me before I was pregnant, but all of a sudden it's like we have something in common. She never came to the baby shower I invited her too, nor has she offered to make any effort to come to me and the baby she so badly wants to see, she asks me to "bring him" to her. I don't actually want her to ever look after my baby because I do not agree with her parenting skills, or her as a person. she smokes and has two big dogs, and that may be ok for her three children but I don't want that around my son. I don't understand why she's so desperate to "have him"? She has a 13 month old and two older children of 6 and 8. I wouldn't feel comfortable with her or anyone looking after 4 children. I do not feel comfortable with any of it.
I am just worried if I say something to my ex he will disagree, which He shouldn't seen as he slates her parenting to me and to her face on the three occasions I've ever been around them. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just tell her straight? It really bothers me that I feel forced to have a relationship now with his sister just because I've had a baby, when I never did before. I am also worried once he's older and he stays with his dad that he will take our son to her house without me there, is there anything I can do? I don't feel like he would be safe there as I don't agree with her parenting at all

OP posts:

Seniorschoolmum · 09/08/2018 02:40

YAnbu at all.
Your son is 4 months old and ebf. He isn’t a toy to be passed around. Simply reply “No thanks, lovely of you to ask but I’m still feeding him every two hours”.
Some people like very small babies but get less enthusiastic once they get a bit older. You’ll probably find she will lose interest quite quickly.
From the length of your post, you seem quite stressed about it. Don’t be. This is YOUR baby, you have seniority on this one. Just be firm and polite.

twiglet · 09/08/2018 02:48

You don't have to do anything that you don't want to. You can if you want offer the olive branch and say no but if you would like to meet your nephew you can come here on x day.
If she doesn't take you up on it then next time she posts just state I've offered for you to meet him.
As for your ex I would raise the issue of what's appropriate now (rather than when he is older etc) and explain that having to explain to his sister is repeative and tiring and not what you need.
As for when he is older there isn't much you can do when he is with your ex however it doesn't sound like he would have much faith either so doubtful if he would. Cross that bridge at the time though.

GinIsIn · 09/08/2018 02:53

Just remove his sister from your social media. This is one of the rare occasions where no really is a complete sentence.

WomblingWoman · 09/08/2018 02:55

Block her on social media and ignore her.

Focus on your son and yourself.

She's not your problem - she's your ex's.

Simply put just walk away from the drama and don't engage any further.

CantankerousCamel · 09/08/2018 03:03

I think I would just say something like ‘when EX has baby for a reasonable amount of time you can discuss meeting up with him. We are pretty busy these days and he still feeds a lot so won’t be separate from me for some time.

timeisnotaline · 09/08/2018 03:09

YANBU at all, I don’t understand the desire to take other peoples newborns away from the Parents. Don’t even make it about feeding - just thanks for offering, but I’ll be back st work soon enough and am treasuring every minute with my baby.

stolemyusername · 09/08/2018 03:26

Delete her on social media - sorted!

If/when she asks tell her no, you don't want to be separated from your baby

emmyrose2000 · 09/08/2018 03:56

Block/delete her on social media.

Even if she was your best friend and most competent person in the world, I'd be laying it to her straight that as a smoker she will never, ever, in a million years be having my child visit her house, let alone stay overnight.

What is with people on MN and the people they know wanting/having new babies to sleepover at their houses? I've never come across anything so bizarre and ridiculous in real life.

kissmelittleass · 09/08/2018 04:41

I had all of this shit with my sil and the mil for double the stress. It carried on for about a year or more until they drove me to have to move away from the area. In my situation it got worse SIL would turn up unannounced anytime and just pick up my baby and tell me she was taking her to hers and mil and could I get her coat etc!!! Ffs a lot more stories I could tell you so nip it in the bud now. Good luck!

Charolais · 09/08/2018 05:02

Do not give your baby to her. Block her and don’t worry if you appear rude because you are not. Your responsibility is to your baby, not her & her feelings.

Enjoy your little baby, they're not babies for long.

ferntwist · 09/08/2018 05:45

YANBU. So many reasons not to let her have your baby, not least her being a smoker, which greatly increases the risk of cot death. No way would I even entertain the idea.

MrsAidanTurner · 09/08/2018 05:53

Delete her in socal media.

Don't make it all about the feeding

BlueBug45 · 09/08/2018 06:00

His aunt has no legal right to have contact with him however as she and his cousins are his family just message her as CantankerousCamel said then block her on social media.

As an aunt I was trusted to look after my nephews and nieces including when they were a few weeks old for a few hours but never overnight. However I didn't smoke and I didn't demand to look after them I just offered if I was around in the day. The demanding bit is fucking weird.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/08/2018 06:09

I also don't get this trend for extended families wanting to do baby sleepovers. I would block and not feel guilty at all. It's a bizarre request.

PirateWeasel · 09/08/2018 06:16

If she's trying to be helpful then I don't get why she doesn't just say so. As in "Would you like me to take the baby for a while, while you have a break?" The fact that she just wants to have the baby with no preamble suggests she doesn't care about you, she just wants cuddles/kudos/whatever for herself. Don't give her the time of day. As you say, before you had the baby she wasn't interested. Why should you suddenly accommodate her wants now?

Shoxfordian · 09/08/2018 06:29

Just delete her, delete anyone connected to him on your social media. You've no obligation to facilitate contact with her.

LellyMcKelly · 09/08/2018 06:30

I wonder if your ex or the grandmother is putting her up to it so they get to see your baby? If so, and you want to, suggest a time when you all meet up, but I wouldn’t be leaving my small baby with people I’d only met once - not in a million years. Otherwise I’d suggest unfollowing her. You’ve only met her once. You don’t owe her anything.

HamishTheTalkingCactus · 09/08/2018 06:31

So she wants a sleepover with a baby she has never even met . You're not being remotely unreasonable.

user1493413286 · 09/08/2018 06:35

If you don’t want her to look after your baby then you have every right to say no. I’m very picky about who I let look after my toddler and at 4 months I was only leaving her with my mum for very short periods of time. I would block her on social media and ignore any messages; you aren’t in a relationship with her brother so you don’t need to keep up a relationship with her.
I wouldn’t say anything to your ex to be honest and I’d wait and see what happens when he’s older in terms of going to her house

Beaverhausen · 09/08/2018 06:39

Just say no and end of story plain and simple, as everyone else has state if she continues to ask just block her.

It is down to your ex when your son is older whether or not he spends time with his family.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/08/2018 06:43

Just be polite and firm and NO !
It’s a strange request and seems to be
More from a desire to possess than any regard for you

If she keeps pushing ignore or block

Don’t make a drama and no need to mention to partner or be rude

But stay firm as it’s weird

DasPepe · 09/08/2018 06:48

Just say no. If you want to be nice you can say “no, thank you”. It’s a no, which was your first thought. You don’t have to think of any reasons.
Don’t add anything to it as it might be used against you. And I wouldn’t advise to tell her to talk to the dad when he has the baby, else she will arrange something with the dad direct, and it may be without your knowledge.

ihave2naughtydogs · 09/08/2018 07:01

you are not being unreasonable regarding your baby but you are definitely unreasonable saying “ I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her or anyone looking after 4 children “ I have 5 children and am more than capable of looking after them

MsHopey · 09/08/2018 07:47

Just tell her you aren't comfortable with anyone else looking after him.
My DS is 12mo and other than me doing the food shop or doctors appointments he hasn't left my side. He stays in the house with his dad. No grandparents, aunties or uncles have ever babysat him, and I intend to keep it that way as the anxiety i would feel away from him isn't worth it.
All my family laugh about it, but I'm just doing what I think is best.
So just tell them. Surely there's other people who feel the same.