Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To tell him to shove his camping trip?

51 replies

Supercala123 · 08/08/2018 22:50

Myself and my partner have 4 children between us. DSD 9, my two DD 12 and 15 and DS between us, 1.
Partner doesn’t really get on with my DD (15), they barely talk to each other.
He has just said he wants to book a camping trip for two nights next week, first night just on his own with his DD and second night for ‘whoever wants to come’. It’s inevitable that my 12 year old will ask why she’s missing out on a night when DSD isn’t. It all just feels a bit shit.
AIBU to tell him to go and I’ll arrange something else for the other three and myself?

OP posts:

FlintyBadman · 08/08/2018 23:32

So many camping threads tonight!

2 nights and only 1 for everyone? Nah, that's wrong. If it were a 5 or 7 day trip then fine.

Try and get a last minute break for you and your children. Let him and his daughter have the camping trip for themselves if that's how he wants to play it.

Original poster

Supercala123 · 08/08/2018 23:41

Tatiana - because we have a baby together, because I always hoped things might improve, because I sometimes doubt whether it’s me being unreasonable or not.....I could go on. Why does anyone stay in a difficult relationship?

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 08/08/2018 23:45

I’ve no idea, particularly when their children are suffering because of it.

Chickychoccyegg · 08/08/2018 23:55

your dp is totally out of order, and I think really you need a serious chat, I don't see why he and his dd need another night away themselves, they've just been away for 3 nights, and he has responsibilities to his baby, and should be making an effort with your 2 dd's, especially living together as a blended family, he is completely in the wrong where your eldest dd is concerned, he is the adult, and it was his job while you were ill to be reassuring, and generally be there for them, doesn't sound like he's grasped that.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 09/08/2018 00:01

It's ok to do the night with his dd but then the rest of you should go for a couple of nights. It's not worth going just for one night. Also promise your two a trip away with just you, on your own, when the baby can be left. Maybe shopping over the winter in a hotel. The sooner the better.

LittleOwl153 · 09/08/2018 00:07

"He accepts no responsibility for the way he's been towards her since"...Is he 15 as well? If he wont take responsibility for his own actions he isnt going to be much of a parent to anyone!

Takfujimoto · 09/08/2018 00:11

I couldn't bring myself to make my DD live with a man who makes her uncomfortable and awkward in her own home.

How would he like it if you treated his DD like that? At least she would have an escape half the time, your DD is stuck with him 24/7.

BedtimeTea · 09/08/2018 00:11

I agree with Chickychoccyegg. My dp would not exclude his DSS, my eldest ds the way your dp is suggesting.

ihateaparade · 09/08/2018 00:21

If the baby BF's only at night then she's able to take a bottle, right? I'd send him off with bottles and both of "His" children to camp with. Take your older DC's off and have some time with them - bc you don't get that back...esp with the older ones at this point. He's perfectly capable of caring for the younger, and if he's not comfortable with it, he should work at becoming so...

ihateaparade · 09/08/2018 00:22

Sorry...He (Baby DS)

Deshasafraisy · 09/08/2018 00:58

Don’t see anything wrong with this

Deshasafraisy · 09/08/2018 00:59

Sometimes kids need one to one with a parent. Shouldn’t make an issue.

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 06:26

He doesn't sound very nice.

Ignoring a 15yo just because she couldn't cope when her mum was in hospital alot?

I bet he wouldn't ignore his own children if they did something similar.

The way he said 'whoever wants to come is so half hearted. He's not bothered, is he?

Could you leave youngest with him on a sat/sun and take your dds out?

OliviaStabler · 09/08/2018 07:13

I don't think the issue is the camping trip. There is nothing wrong with him wanting one on one time with his daughter. Yes his offer was half arsed about he second day but I suspect he did it so as not to create drama about not inviting anyone else so close to his last trip.

The elephant in the room is the unresolved relationship between your partner and your DD15. If I am right it has been over a year and nothing has been resolved. Must be a rubbish atmosphere for everyone at home to live with a cold war like that.

FASH84 · 09/08/2018 07:28

I would say there's nothing wrong with this of he hadn't just had a three day trip alone wth his daughter and was generally making an effort with all of the children. He needs to be the adult and resolve things with your DD. There is a tiny alarm bell that they got on until she was alone wth him for an extended period of time and he's now adamant about regular over nights alone with his own pre teen daughter, but given the nature of my job I sometimes assume the worst, it's been a bit of a week this week with those kinds of cases. You do need to get to the bottom of what went so wrong between them in order to be in a position for him to fix it.

TatianaLarina · 09/08/2018 07:28

I do think there’s an issue with another trip away with his own DD. He wants 1 on 1 time with her, fine he’s had that.

One more trip indicates that she is who he would rather be with and he doesnt see OP’s DDs as his. It’s becoming a pattern of exclusion.

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 09/08/2018 07:36

Sometimes kids need one to one with a parent. Shouldn’t make an issue.

When one kid gets one to one with their parent, and the other three don't...seems a tad unfair. Esp as the one seems to get all the holidays.

Singlenotsingle · 09/08/2018 07:41

Maybe it's more a case of hiss DD wanting time alone with her dad instead of having to share him all the time. It must be hard for a child in that situation, àlthough another time when the baby is a bit older he might want to go too. Or even go away with DH and do boy things, football and stuff.

Rachie1973 · 09/08/2018 07:49

We never did the 1 on 1 time with our own kids when we blended our family. We did have them living with us though so maybe that’s why.

We became a family and we did holidays etc together. If the kids need or want to speak to us alone we of course do so. But 15 years down the line we don’t have kids that refer to each other as ‘steps’ just brothers and sisters.

I’d definitely ditch the trip.

nellieellie · 09/08/2018 07:59

I think he should have discussed it with you first, rather than say “I’m going camping with DD”. It’s fair enough for him to have time with his DD, but if it were me, Id want to say “OK, and then I’ll go somewhere I want to go with my 2 while you look after the baby”. If you’re BF, then this could be tricky though, so maybe you would need it to be the 4 of you, baby included. Alternatively, you go somewhere for day or evening with your DDs. It sounds like he does his own thing leaving you to cope with DS.
In relation to your DD, aged 15, then it sounds like you have all had a difficult time with health issues and DP having to cope with quite a lot. Your DD is a child though and your DP MUST be a grown up about it. He cannot not talk to her. That is unacceptable. She is a teenager. It’s her job to be unreasonable. He has to deal with it better, and you have to show that this is something that must happen, because you are her mum, and she needs to know you will fight for her. She will remember this part of her life for the rest of it. Unless the dynamics are changed pretty quickly, it’s going to be really hard to improve this relationship and it could escalate. Sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time and hope things improve.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 09/08/2018 08:08

If baby takes a bottle send the baby with him and spend time with your dds.

It is such a different dynamic having a baby in tow and I’m sure they would love some time with just you.

Butterymuffin · 09/08/2018 08:14

At the very least I would plan a day out with your two older ones and / or an evening trip out for pizza while he takes the baby. Start with that.

Caribbeanyesplease · 09/08/2018 08:21

Wave him off and then take the others somewhere really fucking ace for three days. Let him return to an empty house, no food, and when you get back say 'nah we didn't fancy it, we had a great time elsewhere'.

Nasty and vindictive and sets a shite example to children for family life

Caribbeanyesplease · 09/08/2018 08:22

I get you’re disappointed. I would be too. But I’m sure you can see from his POV.

I’d put a really positive slant on it. Do something special with yours and then all meet up for a family meal somewhere the following day or similar

LakieLady · 09/08/2018 08:27

Maybe suggest he takes both his children and you go off somewhere lovely with your older dd’s?

Absolutely this.

Just like he needs to spend quality time with his older child, you need the same with yours. Especially as it sounds like he's pretty shit to your eldest.

Take them somewhere fantastic.

Flip

1 2 3