Being annoyed about being woken

[MrsMaker88]

My son was ill at the weekend and I’ve caught it. Hubby told me to leave everything to him last night and go to bed, I explained the kids were exhausted, and he had read in the childminders book too that DS had been falling asleep at dinner.
Their bedtime is 7ish, at 8pm I went down to hubby shouting at DS who was crying after just having a poorly pooh explosion.
I said they really need to get to bed and not be overtired, he told me he’d sort it but was cooking then eating his dinner.if I had tried to help he would have got cross.
He eventually put them to bed (and cleaned up etc which is fab) but they were overtired and both woke me throughout the night. Hubby also woke me crashing the dustbin as soon as I drifted off.
So today at work I felt even worse and came straight home to bed. As soon as I drifted off my DH and DS returned and I woke up. Washing machine is going and DS is banging his shoes repeatedly on the floor.

I ask DH to please keep noise down this eve and he got really defensive, I ended up having to explain that I kept getting woken up last night (he did let kids get overtired and he was noisy) and I feel really rough, now tonight I desperately need sleep. He freaks out and shouts his head off.

I totally get that he’s been doing a brill job in general but I had to tell him this as I just can’t function if it happens again. If it was the other way round I’d have taken the kids out for a couple of hours to let him rest.

AIBU to raise the issue?! I feel l like I do give him lots of thanks and praise, surely it’s ok to say when something is an issue esp when ill ??!!

Just to add that this is generally driving me INSANE that I can’t raise a single negative issue without a load of shouting coming at me. He says ‘well he’s not perfect’ and I’m not expecting him to be. I tend to struggle with conflict as it is and can’t help but see it from his side so it makes me feel guilty but also cross, this is really getting me down.
I was seeing a therapist which helped as I could tell her the things I can’t tell him.. but now I don’t have the time or money :-(

What is he doing that's so fantastic and brilliant that you give him lots of thanks and praise for?! Does he do the same to you when you've picked the kids up from school and cooked tea?

Ask yourself what is brilliant about a man who shares looking after his children whilst their mother is ill, and been at work.
He is being defensive when he shouts and claims not to be perfect, of course he isn’t, no one is. It’s a rhetorical statement.
Have a (short) list of things you would him to do that way no words are needed. Do not critise. If you want it done your way, you do it, your way. Good luck.

Fantastic? Wow you have low standards, he sounds dreadful to me.

He’s taken every Wednesday off work in hols so that I could start a new job so he was home all day today, he’s caught up on the washing, house is spotless.. that kinda thing. Yeah he does thank me.

at 8pm I went down to hubby shouting at DS who was crying after just having a poorly pooh explosion.
How nasty! What sort of person shouts at a child for that?! And then he prioritised having his own dinner above getting his sick children into bed. Sorry OP but he sounds absolutely awful.

Just to add that this is generally driving me INSANE that I can’t raise a single negative issue without a load of shouting coming at me.

Sorry, but this is neither normal nor your fault.

Running around praising and thanking for crumbs, afraid to rock the boat with minor reasonable requests, being verbally attacked for daring to raise issues. Not normal, not acceptable, not healthy.

You aren't the issue. He is.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Yes I agree and I don’t understand why he gets cross with them in these situations and it bothers me. I think he finds it stressful. Sometimes I have to take over at bedtime to avoid him upsetting the kids before they go to sleep but then he gets upset that I haven’t let him help.

He does get up at 4am to commute, maybe it’s part of the issue..

Getting up at 4am would me make me grumpy regardless of what I was doing in the evening.
Under the circumstances, I think your husband is doing well. So, he makes some noise, at least he's not asking for your help. Rest or sleep now instead of being on mumsnet.

Anoukspirit any ideas on what I can do to make myself more assertive or generally change the situation??

Thanks 68Anon. I couldn’t get back to sleep and feeling cross was making it worse so this has helped me get off my chest. Hopefully soon I will sleep and not get woken up!

OP your child should be able to rely on being comforted by a parent when poorly. Not expect to be shouted at for daring to be poorly. The child will grow up feeling he can’t trust or rely on his parent when he needs support. This is a big problem that should be way beyond something that “bothers” you.

Does anyone thank mothers for parenting? Or doing housework?

He sounds like a wanker op.

You are both sleep deprived and angry. Try and see through that and help,each other. Get takeaway, call in sick be kind to yourselves and each other.

I write from the very common experience of over worked, sick, tired parents. Hugs and flowers.

Just get through the next few days and sit and talk when you both have had a sleep of how much better he can help you and work it out. It's tough x

The kids get our support 24/7. It’s OTT to think a child will grow up with issues because his dad got stressed out when he had diahorrea, after a full day of managing the house and doing lovely things together, and after helping during the night when he was being sick at the weekend. If you have evidence to the contrary tho please share!

It does bother me ( sorry if the term is not extreme enough for anyone!) that DH gets stressed out at bedtime when he’s exhausted, but he runs for the train every day as he wants to get back to help with bedtime and see the kids. I don’t know how to manage it better than we do now.

Winterisstillcoming.. take away is a good shout :-)