To cut off an exhausting friend?

[Riotgrrrrrl]

I can't decide if I'm being unreasonable or not so I'm fully prepared to accept that I am if that's the general consensus.

I have a friend who I've know for about 15 years (we were housemates for a couple of years in our early 20s).
Over the last 4 years she's really struggled with mental health problems and has been hospitalised three times (she's in hospital now).

Over this time, I've been there for her. I've visited in hospital, taken her gifts when she's been in hospital, had her round to mine to stay when she came out, have invited her for dinner, met for lunch (accepting last minute cancellations and changes "let's stay in, I don't want to go out") and have accepted it all because she's been going through a tough time.
But it feels a bit one sided. I don't mean when she's in hospital or when she's just come out but when she's back at work and says that she's healthy. She never contacts me to see how I am. When we meet up, the conversation is all about her, she never asks about me or what I've got going on (quite a lot actually!)
I didn't even get a text on my birthday. Or a card when she came to my wedding. (She even got in the way of our photographer doing group shots while taking selfies with a snapchat filter!)

I do find seeing her quite exhausting, I make allowances when she's unwell but when she isn't she's still exhausting as it's a never ending barrage of questions or conversation stressing about tiny things - like an email she sent to her boss, she analysed every detail with me, we discussed it for half an hour but even after the conversation had moved on, she stopped talking about the next topic suddenly and went back to talking about the email. Whether she'll ever find a boyfriend, how all her other friends never bother with her etc. I'm sure some of this is related to her illness but it's still very draining.

I'm going to see her tonight in hospital and I'm dreading it, I wouldn't consider doing it whilst she's unwell in hospital but AIBU to distance myself when she starts getting better? Mental illness isn't an excuse for selfishness is it? Or is her behaviour linked to her illness and therefore I'm just the worst person for ending the friendship?
(She's bi-polar)

Mental illness is very lonely, but also very draining on the surroundings. I think that you do need to think of your own mental health, but maybe before you pull away from her you could explain to her, that it has been too one-sided and that she needs to make more of an effort. Maybe that can help her to keep her remaining friends.

One of my best friends has another friend who is also bipolar, has destroyed her own job opportunities and financial situation. She is desperate to move into my friend's "extra bedroom". (It is not extra. My friend uses it as an office as she sometimes work from home). What the bipolar friend isn't realizing, that if the only way our mutual friend can protect herself from the unreasonable demand is to pull away from the friendship, then that is what she will do. The bipolar friend has even gotten her SS worker excited about the "opportunity". My friend works fulltime. I understand that the bipolar friend needs help but ffs even her own brother and her own mother refuse to let her live with them (that is two different homes, btw).

Mental health issues are a terrible thing but it is not an excuse to be selfish. Its also not a good reason to stay friends with someone. Ive suffered severe depression before and live in fear of it coming back as it is crippling, so im not insensitive to people who struggle with mental illness.

Not every friendship is meant to last forever. It definitely sounds like your friendship has run its course. Honestly life is too short to spend time with people you dread seeing or who take you for granted.

I think you should phase her out as you get nothing from this friendship.

You are allowed to end any relationship which is not good for you, at any time, for any reason.

And you’ve got a lot of good reasons to distance yourself from her.

This bought back a lot of unhappy memories and feelings of guilt. I did something similar about 18 years ago. The friend involved had very severe mental health issues and I realised over the years that the relationship had become completely one sided. It felt as if my only role in her life was to witness and affirm the severity of her illness. There was no reciprocity, none of the give and take of most friendships. She was draining me constantly and there was nothing positive for me in the situation. I dreaded seeing her.

In the end I gradually pulled away, I returned phone calls more slowly and reduced the number of invitations I extended. It sounds cruel but I had to do it for my own well being. The sense of relief when after a couple of years I no longer had to deal with her was indescribable.

Being friends with someone like that felt like being friends with an addict. She was so caught up in the spiral of self harm and abusing her meds that she wasn’t actually available for a relationship.

Thanks for the replies. It's hard as I know she's finding life so tough. I saw her tonight and it was awful (she's not herself and the place feels like a prison)

I'll keep seeing her until she's discharged and go from there, telling her it needs to be more give and take.

Sounds like you've been a wonderful friend to her OP. It's sad that mental illness can totally engulf some people in their own world, where nothing but themselves matter.

You matter too though. It will be hard to distance yourself because she might not want to let you go but for your own well being it sounds like you need to.

Baby steps. Good luck.

I've done the same too, Loonoon. I think what made my mind up in the end was the realisation that she didn't particularly care about me, and that her mild contempt/ sense of superiority towards me wasn't a symptom of her illness but rather the way our relationship had always been. She made social arrangements with me because (i) her family and therapist were encouraging her to make social arrangements, and (ii) she wanted an audience for her theories about mental illness. It wasn't really a basis for a friendship in the long-run.

I had to distance myself from someone I'd got close to for the same reasons. I felt (and still feel) dreadful about it but she was more demanding than my family and they need me more. I had to do it because it was becoming a daily stress on my life, she was either constantly turning up or on the phone 10 times a day with every thought that came into her head. There was constant drama that I was being pulled in to and I felt uncomfortable with. I know I'm not the only person to do it and I know she has a couple of other friends who've known her longer that will be there for her but it doesn't make me feel less shitty about it.
Horrible situation but ultimately you have given all you can and you have to look after yourself

You aren judging her on her behaviour while she is well, so yanbu.

When she’s better distance yourself and be firm - the relationship needs to be give and take or not at all. Don’t feel guilty by allowing it to be one way you are enabling her and putting your own health at risk - I would def talk to her though before cutting off entirely and then distance slowly if it’s still bad

I've put a friendship on the backburner because the person's various mh issues was taking a toll on me. I had to be available at all times, I had to provide comfort when I was going through a tough time myself. Unfortunately, it's the nature of the illness as it makes the patient self absorbed and unable to provide comfort to others. You have to build a strong boundary around yourself and decide what you 're happy with & stick to it.

YANBU. You put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.

She leans on you when she's poorly because you willingly let her keep going about things that are important to her, without making any demands that she reciprocate. Illness or not, this is selfish. Her lack of care or interest when she is well indicates that she's not bothered about your feelings - hence why she doesn't contact you. MH problems don't stop people from being arseholes - it just means they are arseholes who also have MH issues.

It's good of you to want to continue to support her whilst she is ill, but I agree that calling time on the 'friendship' when she is better, would be the most sensible course of action. I suggest that you are clear with her about this though, otherwise there is a risk that she won't notice the lack of contact (because she doesn't normally contact you when she's well) and if she gets in touch when she is on a downward spiral it will be difficult for you not to feel guilty and get involved again.

Everyone I know with depression are incredibly selfish , I do think it's part of the condition . My mum has suffered over the years and dear god when she is having an episode she is hideous . I know she can't help it etc but it is sooo draining and she remembers nothing of it when she is a bit better .
I don't blame you for walking away , is she getting and taking the appropriate medication? I've had to go to many appointments with my mum to get the right ones and the correct dose before it's 'perfected ' .

This sounds very difficult for you op. I suffer with poor mh, although not to the extreme your friend does. I work and do everything I need to do to stay on top of it. I think I’m very kind to my friends and try hard to keep my issues to myself. Having said that, it is a very lonely illness. I withdraw when I’m unwell and have lost several friends because I don’t want to burden people. I’m always the first to message to see how people are. I know I’m a kind, friendly person.

I think you should be kind in the circumstances. Your reasons for being a bit fed up are completely valid but have you tried to talk to her about it? Using non judgemental language? If she is mentally unwell she will really have no idea how you feel and I think it's a bit unfair on her to just pull out the rug from under her without even one conversation. Friends did that to me in the past and whilst they were probably quite justified no one had a conversation to say why. Looking back it might have helped me seek the support I desperately needed. Friendship is about putting down clear boundaries and respecting them. For you as well as her. It strikes me that you haven't been able to do that for yourself. There's a really good book called boundaries which might help, it might not the end of your friendship if you can create some healthy distance. Good luck.

Have you tried to bring up your own stuff with her, or do you wait to see if she will, like a kind of test?

I'm not sniping by the way, you sound like you've been a wonderful friend, and if you need to create some distance for your own sake you should, but if you want to you could see if there's a possibility to change the dynamic. When she's well you could call and say "I'm stressed up to the eyeballs with what's going on with x lately, do you want to meet up for lunch?" so she knows you want to meet up to talk about your stuff. And then talk about it and see if she engages with you or just waits for you to stop talking so that she can start!

I'll keep seeing her until she's discharged and go from there, telling her it needs to be more give and take.

Won't she interpret that as you wanting to see more of her? Gradually withdrawing might be better, from your POV.

I really feel for you and your friend. The sad truth is that sometimes people need a level of psychological and emotional support that is beyond the capacity of friends and family. Also, in a healthy relationship what you give and what you receive should balance over time. It's perhaps kindest to actually state the truth to your friend: "You need a level of emotional support that I cannot provide; I feel our friendship has become imbalanced and one-sided. I'm very sorry, as I know you're going through a really tough time, but I cannot continue." Speaking the truth gives your friend clarity about your reasons - the last thing anyone in her situation needs is lack of clarity.

It may feel awful to walk away, but we all have a duty of care towrds ourselves.

I had a similar friend op , we'd known each other for 20 years when I could no longer cope with her.

She would phone me 6/7 times a day and expect a longish chat , she would jump from one bad situation to another and when we went out she'd drink far too much and I'd feel obligated to stop her from going home with yet another man. I was also expected to put her up when she visited my city , she would simply announce a date without asking if it was suitable for me.

I took a more demanding job and simply didn't have time for the drama anymore so I cut her out of my life. I changed my number and stopped responding to emails etc. I wasn't proud of myself in the slightest but whenever I tried to go low contact she'd find a way to 'make' me feel responsible for her all over again. She also yelled at me for not picking up the phone after she'd left me 6 voicemails while I was at work.

My advice is to look after yourself op. Do what you need to do and try not to feel bad.

YANBU

I think you've been amazingly supportive but it's ok to withdraw. I would have by now. Please Don't feel guilty about it.

Thanks for your messages everyone. It's good to get the perspective of people not in the immediate situation.

An extra thank you for those who've shared similar experiences for you as I know it must have been hard.

I definitely need to put myself first. When she's better and out of hospital I'll have a proper conversation with her about how I'm feeling. I can't do it yet as she's not really making much sense right now.