To worry about my dd’s obsession with instamodels and having the perfect figure?

[FabulousTomatoes]

She’s 14.

Everyday she’s working out: squats etc plus going to the gym three times a week min. Always on Instagram looking at these so-called perfect bodies. Wishing she was different. She’s a very willowy 5’9” and imo perfect as she is. I’d have loved to look like her at 14, but in her mind, her bum isn’t big enough, her legs aren’t strong enough, her breasts are too small.

I don’t mind if she wants to keep fit and eat well... dh and I have always encouraged this. But it’s the lack of confidence that seems to go with it: the lack of self-acceptance, the striving to be someone else.

I keep telling her that she’s lovely and has nothing to worry about. She breezily tells me that it’s good to be inspired.

AIBU to be worried? Should I be monitoring it? I suffered from an ED throughout my teens and early adult life, and still have an odd relationship with food and my body, so I have little clue as to what’s ‘normal’.

Are there other parents going through similar with their children? How do you handle it and what do you say? Sorry to sound so clueless, I’m a little lost here. Perhaps I’m worrying and projecting too much... some perspective might be needed!

Does she have interests outside of the gym etc? I would be trying to find female role models whose success is not based on their looks. I would also make sure you keep bringing up topics about eating disorders, body dysmorphia and photo shop.

Some ideas: Jessica Ennis, Serena Williams, Rupa Huq, Michele Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Sheryl Sandburg etc

Thank you Lalalolo. She does have other interests however some have dropped recently, eg riding and athletics. She’s bright and pretty academic however she’s not doing much reading or anything now it’s the summer. Her interests (apart from Instagram models and working out) seem to mainly revolve around socialising, which is fine... She’s 14. Hopefully going back to school will broaden her mind a little. She’s just done d of e bronze and plans to do silver next year. She has a part time job.

I try to talk about female achievement a lot, although she and dd2 are a little ‘la la la’ when I do! Good advice though, thanks.

It’s probably something that she will grow out of as her life becomes more focussed on career etc, unless that career is modelling! I was exactly the same at 14 (except for the willowy bit), she is becoming aware of her body maturing into that of an adult and starting to define her relationship with it. That is normal but it’s also critical that she understands she has value beyond her physical appearance.

It sounds like you’re doing a great job guiding her, I wish my mum had been thinking of these issues when I was 14.

could you maybe encourage a different side of the gym?

something like powerlifting or weightlifting, maybe a club or something where she can learn the technique and have goals of getting stronger, eating to fuel her body etc

i know quite a lot of people (especially on instagram who are into powerlifting and weightlifting) who have ED in their past, and PL/WL has helped them.

just an idea, if she likes the gym.

Be careful. When I was 16 I was addicted to the gym I'd spend at least 4 hours there every single day and would barely eat. This was before insta! Exercise is good just not excessly. Keep an eye

Is she okif, for whatever reason, she can’t go to the gym? How does she react?

If her friends invited her to a super exciting party and she had been planning to go to the gym, which would she choose?

Thank you lalalolo... can only try my best! Re the self-value, I will listen to her quite extensively re her body ‘aims’ but often try to steer the conversation round to other things, such as what’s happening in her current NetFlix show, School work, friendship news etc... anything to keep a balance! Interesting views on her maturity into a woman, and her growing relationship with her body - thanks.

Esk1mo, thank you. It is actually this side of the gym that she’s into: strength, building muscle etc. She’s into food (which is great) as she wants to put on weight! Which is fine, but my concern is that she’s focusing too much value in being a body shape that isn’t natural to her, and will only be achievable with a lot of work and discipline (possibly quite a heavy dose of vanity too!) and having grown up with issues surrounding my own body, I worry about the lack of self-acceptance more than how healthy her practices are. Obviously I’m delighted that she isn’t starving herself, but I just wish she could be happy with herself!

Thanks WillowRose79, I am! Thanks for sharing your experience.

EduCated, good question... I think at the moment she would choose the party however I am keeping a watchful eye as this new interest is becoming a bit obsessive.