To be seriously worried about FIL’s memory? And what should I do if the family refuse to do anything about it?

[GoJetterGirl]

Just got off the phone to DH who tells me that FIL moves his car off the driveway to the front of the house, then not even 5 minutes later asked who had moved his car from the drive, he’s currently raging about everyone being against him and trying to make him look stupid and mad....

This is just once example of a list of similar happenings... think forgetting to lock doors and driving somewhere for an appointment and not actually getting to the appointment because he’s gone elsewhere...

I’ve told DH that he should not be driving, but FIL refuses to accept that there is a problem, I’m worried that his driving is now dangerous because he forgets even a simple thing, every conversation I have with the man is the same, I had to remind him 8 times the other day that DC has had his tablet removed due to being challenging (naughty) and he still called me up 5 mins later asking if I could give DC his tablet back so they could chat... MIl (who I admit is a cowbag and doesn’t help with her general attitude “there’s nothing wrong with him) is beginning to get quite upset and mine and DH’s insistence that FIL surrender his license and that we won’t allow them to have DC in the car...

So, what can I do to make sure that FIL is assessed and that he no longer gets to drive, I’m worried he may cause an accident. I get that him losing his license means loss of independence, but I’d never forgive myself if he ended up killing someone.

He sounds a bit like my DF who (I'm afraid to say) is in the early stages of Alzheimers. He still drives but had to apply for an annual licence. Your MIL needs to take him to his GP and get referred to a memory clinic. There is medication that can slow down the progession and improve things temporarily- my DF applies special patches daily and this seems to be helping him. I'm afraid denial that anything is wrong is very common in families where there is someone suffering with dementia (my ILs have to pretend that they don't know). Good luck.

I've had experience with the onset of dementia, both with my mother and a friend whose husband developed early-onset Alzheimer's. She phoned her doctor to warn him in advance and then the two of them went to an appointment, supposedly to ask for blood tests because he'd been feeling tired.

She did this after an incident when he was on his own in the car and had to phone because couldn't remember the way home. It was a local trip he'd done hundreds of times. I think the GP wrote to the DVLA and booked him into a memory clinic. But he was quite a compliant patient and it came as a relief to him to be looked after.

You need to have a serious talk with MIL, who must be v worried and will need your DH for support. In the meantime, could they 'lose' the car keys or disable the car in some way?

I'm v sorry you're in this position. It's a hugely distressing disease.

You can (and should) report your concerns to the DVLA. You can do this anonymously.
Nut they wo nt assess his driving, no one will. They will ask him if he's ok to drive, they will ask his gp if he's ok to drive (his gp will then ask him!). If you notify the dvla and tell his gp your concerns then something may eventually happen but it will take months and months.

I think MILs problem is that she will lose the added status of being driven everywhere, and naturally all the holidays they drive to won’t happen anymore...

I do feel that FIL won’t be cooperative, he believes everyone is against him and is trying to steal his independence...

DH is fortunate enough to have a relative who will contact the doctors and has advised me to contact the DVLA myself, the best they will do is send a competency questionnaire, but he may decide to not fill it in (or forget about it) and they would then be looking st stopping his licence

By assessment I meant for Alzheimer’s or memory and cognitive issues