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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my 5 year old to be able to stop when I tell him to and NOT run into the road?

24 replies

milkchocolate · 02/06/2007 11:23

Should I be able to expect of a five year old boy that he stops when I repeatedly YELL for him to stop, but instead just races across the road laughing?

I have been trying to explain about the danger of traffic and cars (we live in London) for his entire life, but when I ask him why he thinks I would ask him to stop he has no idea why?

I am beginning to think that either I am failing as a mum, or he is just simply incapable of understanding even the most simple commands or requests. (And this is a pretty dark place to be at the moment)
I just cant get through to him, he just seems incapable of doing any thing I ask of him, be it NOT running across the street, wash his hands, or pick up his lego, or eat his dinner. And I am not terrible and strickt. What do you think?

OP posts:

mother2b · 02/06/2007 11:33

Have his school not taught him about road safety? maybe there is abook in your local library that you could use???

mother2b · 02/06/2007 11:33

or a video?

NotQuiteCockney · 02/06/2007 11:34

What happens when he ignores you?

The things you're asking him to do vary - not running across the street really matters, the others are not quite so important.

My five-year-old is very good about stopping, he's been safe on the street from about two. My two-year-old is also quite good at stopping. But then, if they don't do as they're told, they have to stay next to me, holding my hand, or in the pram, or whatever is possible ...

charliecat · 02/06/2007 11:35

I think you should put him on reins before he gets ran over.
Or hold onto his hand at the very least.
Then teach him about hot to cross the road safely.

Original poster

milkchocolate · 02/06/2007 11:36

I think they have, and I have even done the whole "Childrens Traffic Club" thing with him. I have pointed out dead animals on the street to try explain how serious it is. I have shown him cars that has been crashed or bumped, to try make him understand. But nothing seems to get through to him, and not just about the traffic. He just seems to be incabable of doing as he is told.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 02/06/2007 11:36

Does he do as he's told for other people? What about at school?

hoxtonchick · 02/06/2007 11:37

my 5 year old ds is very safe around traffic, & has been for a long time. he knows it's non-negotiable. he's fairly good at doing stuff i ask him to, but it depends on if there are other children around.

Original poster

milkchocolate · 02/06/2007 11:38

I bought him reins after he ran out of the car when I was still busy parking it, and he legged it away from the car down the car park. But with a baby in the pushchair it was just too inconveninent, and he is too headstrong, he just wouldnt budge out of the car.

OP posts:

allieBongo · 02/06/2007 11:38

my ds is 7 and he is deradful for getting tunnel vision for what he wants to do, and blocking out all sound around him. It is so frustrating, and can be very dangerous. I will be looking for tips also

KerryMum · 02/06/2007 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotQuiteCockney · 02/06/2007 11:39

I'm afraid that my DS1 would be wearing reins or staying home if he couldn't be road safe. I'd rather turn around and go home than have my kid run over.

FrannyandZooey · 02/06/2007 11:40

Agree NQC

Original poster

milkchocolate · 02/06/2007 11:41

They have problems in school too, so it is not just me who has problems getting him to do what he is told. He was "expelled" from Mind Lab, the afterschool club, because he was not listening to the teacher and was just walking about, it disturbed the other children.

He was on a playdate the other day, and an 11 year old girl told him to eat Benweed, he did follow that request allright!

Sadly, he also begged the mum of his play date to buy him a toy. I am really beginning to despair for him. Seems like nothing we are trying to instill in him regards to values and behaviour sinks in.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 02/06/2007 11:42

I would talk to school about this, then. Maybe the teacher has some insight into what's going on with him?

Original poster

milkchocolate · 02/06/2007 11:42

I have a two year old too, I need the buggy for him. I cant afford to buy a twin buggy now. I guess I will have to strap him in reins to the buggy.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 02/06/2007 11:43

I don't think begging another mum to buy him a toy is unusual or bad behaviour for a five-year-old. I think my DS1 is quite well behaved, but he would do this.

NotQuiteCockney · 02/06/2007 11:43

(Eating Benweed, whatever that may be, if an older child told him to, is also pretty normal.)

Original poster

milkchocolate · 02/06/2007 11:46

The teacher just thinks he is young (april child) and very active. My sister has always suspected adhd, but I am not so sure this is correct. I guess in school it is such a confined environment they dont see the full extent of it.

I took his lego away from him a few days ago because he was unable to keep it tidy, I would ask him to tidy up 4-5 times and it would not get done. He asked for it back and we negotiated a deal where he would get it back on the condition that he keeps it tidy, ie NOT all over the house on all floors. But as three requests to tidy up this morning were completely ignored, he started doing other stuff instead, I have now packed everything down and taken it to the shed. This does not bother him. I think he is not able to see cause and action.

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Original poster

milkchocolate · 02/06/2007 11:49

Aside from the road issue, maybe I just have too high expectations of him?

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 02/06/2007 12:22

Yes, I think tidying is a tricky one.

Consequences need to be immediate. I would pick one thing, the road thing, and work on that, rather than trying to fix all these things at once.

I'd sit him down, and explain that you want to be able to trust him on the pavement, and know he's safe. So he's got to listen to you. If he doesn't, you'll make him wear the reins and be attached to the pram, like a little boy.

Then you follow through. If he puts one foot off the kerb without you, he's in the reins and on the pram. You don't get angry, you don't give him a big lecture, you just say, "ok, you're not being safe, you need to be in the reins".

At this age, too, it really is more about behaviour than values per se, I think. I mean, I try to teach my kids good values, but at this point, they really are just learning behaviour, not the underlying values, imo.

flightattendant · 02/06/2007 12:23

Oh gosh I really feel for you. I'm having similar issues with my Ds at the moment (he's just four) - having taught him about roads, he is having a little phase where he will run ahead till I can't see him, despite my calling/shouting, just really pushing the boundaries.
He's also gone on roads, only the edge, but as if trying to get my attention.
I have a theory it's basically because I'm heavily pregnant and due in a week, which means I can't keep up with him, and he is testing the rules if you like - also expressing his worry about what is happening to mummy, because he knows something is and is probably a bit freaked out!

Is there any chance your Ds could be trying to get your attention - maybe to do with the baby getting lots of it atm, or something?
That's not meant as a criticism in any way, but less of a worry than ADHD I think!

No solutions if so, but I hope that helps...

flightattendant · 02/06/2007 12:29

Ps the begging for a toy could also be to do with feeling the need for more attention...Ds here is just being generally strange in his social habits, I sometimes despair and get very embarrassed/worried about him.

I don't think your expectations are too high, but you need to find the cause of why he might be being silly, don't be hard on yourself as you obviously care a lot about him.

Original poster

milkchocolate · 03/06/2007 10:39

Thanks for your input, it is much appreciated. I am going to talk to his teacher and find out more about his ability in class. She says he is good with his reading, his spelling, and can focus to great extents if he enojoys something. He is very good at constructing even intricate lego for age 8 and up on his own. (We are nearby at hand when he does this so he can ask for help any time he needs it). But I wonder that he is just quite "immature" in the sense he has to do as HE wants, not as somebody else tells him. Also, I am beginning to wonder if he has a hearing problem, as I have noticed he keeps asking me to repeat, and his own speach has become a little more "slurred" and mumbly during the last year, now that I think about it.

I agree, to tackle the most important aspect first, road safety. And take the others little by little.

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RosaLuxembourg · 03/06/2007 14:59

My DD3 will be five in July and she has twice recently run off at school pick up and run across the road without looking. I was horrified as her older sisters were perfectly reliable and trustworthy at the same age. Now I hold her hand in a grip of steel (she pulled out of my hand the second time and ran like the wind). I think the fact that she knew it was naughty was part of the reason for doing it - the concept of danger just hasn't sunk in yet.
I just wanted to let you know that it is not unusual and also not to worry if anyone implies that your parenting might be at fault - as I know well having two 'perfect' older children I might well be at risk of smug parent syndrome (oh, mine are always beautifully behaved and it's because of my superior parenting skills obviously) but DD3 has come along to cure me of that fault!

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