Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder how old is too old

24 replies

howoldistooold11 · 08/08/2018 07:18

For a baby? I have always wanted a child but I just can’t seen to meet anyone and I’m really thinking time is running out. I’m nearly 38.

OP posts:
confusedandemployed · 08/08/2018 07:20

I had DD 6 weeks shy of my 40th. Easiest pregnancy in the world, plenty of energy. I'm now 45 and feel like I could physically cope now, but I'm more than happy with just DD. 38 is spring chicken territory!

FranticallyPeaceful · 08/08/2018 07:23

I think it’s personal. I’ve just had my third and last at 31, it was such a difficult pregnancy that I won’t be doing it again... but I know women much older who had a much better time of it. My body just isn’t upto it personally.
Also it’s about how you feel. If you think you’re mentally up to it then why not?! 38 is certainly not old so I don’t see a problem at all if it’s what you want

yikesanotherbooboo · 08/08/2018 07:25

38 isn't too old, I had my last at 39 and I am far from the oldest at the school gate.

Jinglebells99 · 08/08/2018 07:25

I have friends who had babies at 43 and 44. The 43 year old had been trying for years, had her first with ivf at 41 and second naturally at 43. The 44 yr old had a first at 40 (accident ) and second at 44.

Oysterbabe · 08/08/2018 07:27

It's not too late but you really need to meet someone soon. Are you dating?

Jinglebells99 · 08/08/2018 07:34

A lot of my friends had babies in their late thirties. Finding the right partner in time is the biggest issue. I have a couple of friends who don’t have children, now in their fifties. They both seem happy with life and pursuing their own interests. One has a partner , she met late forties.

HolidayModeMum · 08/08/2018 07:42

My 16 year childless marriage (male infertility) ended when I was 36, exdh had ow!!!!
I met dh unexpectedely and we were married within 8 months. I had dc1 at 38 and dc2 at 40.
It could still happen.

howoldistooold11 · 08/08/2018 08:11

Thanks. I’m not dating, no ... I am worried it may not happen.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 08/08/2018 08:18

You need to put yourself out there and be proactive if you want to meet someone in time.

mintich · 08/08/2018 08:21

Well I'm 37 and pregnant with my second so I'd say 38 is fine!

mintich · 08/08/2018 08:22

My friend who is 42 hadn't met anyone and went for a sperm donor in case it didn't happen

AjasLipstick · 08/08/2018 08:22

I am 45 and had mine at 31 and 36. If I couldn't have one until age 45 I would do it!

I don't feel too old to have a baby right now. (I won't though!)

WinterIsComing84 · 08/08/2018 08:25

I know several people who have gone for the IVF single parent route, and it's worked out well for them.
I'd personally suggest this, rather than rushing into dating someone with the main intention of having a child...
Again, I've known people to do this, and it's brought nothing but sadness and difficulties for everyone involved.

ToffeePennie · 08/08/2018 08:26

Whatever age you feel is right. I don’t think there’s a right and wrong answer to this.
I had my children at 24 and 28. I still don’t feel “done” yet but it’s difficult to see when I’m only 9 months off giving birth. (I’m still hormonal)
My aunt had my cousin at 42. She’s now 11 and has never had to ask for anything because her parents were pretty focused on their careers first.

Flev · 08/08/2018 08:28

I was in very much the same situation, then met my husband just before my 38th birthday. We got married a year later, and I'm now 6 months pregnant (and just over 40). We found each other through online dating, although I'll admit there were an awful lot of sleepy blokes on there so you gave to be quite resilient. Really hope it works out for you.

Sevendown · 08/08/2018 08:28

Do it on your own.

50% of dcs do t live with both parents by the age of 16 anyway.

Flev · 08/08/2018 08:28

I meant sleazy blokes, not sleepy ones!

VladmirsPoutine · 08/08/2018 08:29

38 isn't old. But fertility is a spectrum of sorts - if we are to take that women's fertility declines around mid-30s; some women will find conceiving problematic whilst others will not. So for all the "my neighbour's sister's hairdresser's aunt had twins at 60 and now she's climbing mount Kilimanjaro whilst balancing both twins in her arms" there are many women for whom it is just too late, notwithstanding intervention.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 08/08/2018 08:29

My SIL had her three starting at 39, and she's made a cracking job of it.

Laiste · 08/08/2018 08:43

I fell naturally for DC4 at 44. She's now 4. The preg. was fine, i'm fine, all good.

However - when I had my first 3 DCs in my 20s it took 2 months to fall for each one. DD4 took 2 and a half years of painstaking TTC. This would back up the idea that it takes longer to fall as you get into your 40s.

(To complicate things mind you, my first 3 were with my XH. DD4 is with my DH. So different men. Difference in their fertility could have been a factor too)

allthatmalarkey · 08/08/2018 09:36

How much do you want a child? If I were in your situation, this is what I would ask myself: do I want one so much I'm prepared to do it alone? Do I want one so much I would be prepared to have fertility treatment and operations with no certainty that it would work? Would I consider fostering or adoption instead?
As the majority of people on here say your age is fine, I'm going to put a different point of view. I'll say from the start, I would make all the same choices again.
Started trying with DH at 34. DH and I were both eventually diagnosed with subfertility issues. After several ops and on my 3rd round of IVF I had my DS at 39. After 1 FET and 1 IVF I got pg at 41, had DD at 42.
DS is now 7, I'm nearly 47 and he has preverbal autism, SPD and we're having him assessed for ADHD. He is very sleep disordered, he smears and is so challenging I can't do something as simple as park outside a shop (Blue Badge), go in and purchase something, and get him back in the car without there being an incident which strangers step in to help me with. I haven't been able to go back to work. DH and I's relationship is under huge strain and my DD does not have the childhood I would wish for her. But we do also have good times. I think of things I can no longer do wistfully, I worry about the future, but I wouldn't want to be without my kids.

Everything I have described is age related. Someone will be on here saying the stats are hundreds of years out of date because some old stats were used for something a while ago. Lots of stats show that statistically, it's much more likely (for both men and women) to have sub-fertility in your late thirties and for any child you have to have SEN. Fertility clinics will tell you what the stats for success are past 35 - they go down. Fast. 15 years ago your chance of a pregnancy at 40 at a really good clinic was 1 in 125 per cycle (at 35 it would have been about 1 in 4 at that time). It's now about 1 in 7 because they have improved the techniques so much. You can manage 2 maybe 3 cycles a year at a cost of somewhere around £5-10k each (I think of DD, now 4, as the £7000 baby). If you fall pregnant naturally your chance of a miscarriage is around 1 in 5 at 35, by 45 it's 2 in 3 (rough stats from various sources).

I'm perimenopausal and the last thing I want to be doing is running down the high street after a much faster child having had to abandon an iPad and my handbag in his mobility pushchair (which two nice ladies brought back to me when I'd wrestled my child back into the car). This was 2 weeks ago and I've promised myself I will not try this again. Ever. My life is exhausting (but I really love my kids).
If you're still up for it, go for it. You may be one of the lucky ones who it all works out for, but know what you'll do in advance a) for support if you're doing it on your own and b) if you hit infertility. Consider what your plan B might be - what life would you make without kids?
I think 38 is absolutely the right age to ask yourself the really hard questions to give yourself the best chance of finding an outcome you can live with ten years from now.

MatildaTheCat · 08/08/2018 09:48

You could have medical tests to show you the condition of your eggs which would help you decide whether to wait for Mr Right or press on with having a baby alone. Neither may work out but the test results would help you make a more informed choice.

If there is nothing wrong with your fertility I can’t see why you wouldn’t try sperm donation before the far more invasive and expensive IVF route.

38 is definitely not too old to want a child but it is too old to just keep your fingers crossed is you are absolutely wanting a child.

Good luck.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/08/2018 09:55

38 is not too old, but you do need a plan for trying to conceive in the next couple of years. Do you have a partner or will you go it alone?

Echo2 · 08/08/2018 10:03

Anything past 45 is too old imo.
But it’s not so much getting pregnant in your late 30’s early 40’s, it’s staying pregnant. I was very fertile in my 20’s & 30’s & has 2 dc, but miscarried at 42, having gotten pregnant naturally & quite easily.
Sadly, miscarriages happen more often to older women, but on a happier note, I know of quite a few women who had babies in their early 40’s. It’s just luck ( or bad luck ) sadly.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page