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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that language is important

26 replies

Abbar · 08/08/2018 07:07

DH will think I'm being ridiculous so what does MN think?

He keeps referring to our child as my child (as in when speaking to me about our child he might say "in the future I want my child to speak Spanish"). It really bugs me - is he talking about some child I don't know about that I'm not the mother of? Is he planning another child with a different mother?? Why is this child he refers to not also my child?!

It's like when people talk about "my wedding" or "we're pregnant". Just bugs me.

Light-hearted...sort of...

OP posts:

9amTrain · 08/08/2018 07:13

It would annoy me if he said "my child" while talking to me, but not other people.

9amTrain · 08/08/2018 07:14

So YANBU

shockthemonkey · 08/08/2018 07:17

He’s trying to assert a superior claim. I would correct him each time.

Is he trying to say he has the deciding vote in big decisions? Don’t stand for it!

Fatted · 08/08/2018 07:17

If he's saying it while talking to you who is also parent of the child, then yes it's annoying.

But it sounds like he's also doing it to make a point with it about your DC speaking another language. It's him saying he will be the one responsible for this amazing thing your child is doing, not you.

Original poster

Abbar · 08/08/2018 07:27

Mm you might be right, it is always about important and good things (like speaking another language or being bright in some way).

It sometimes feels a little pointed as the attributes "his" child is going to apparently have are things that I lack in (like language, music and social skills). He's not a bad guy and I know he loves me for who I am. Maybe next time it comes up I'll tell him how I feel about it - I think he'd stop doing it if he knew how I felt (although he would also say I was being ridiculous and that wasn't what he meant at all).

OP posts:

Camomila · 08/08/2018 07:30

Is English his first language?

It's not mine and it feels more natural (grammatically correct - though I don't know if it is) for me to refer to DS as 'my' rather than 'our'

Original poster

Abbar · 08/08/2018 07:35

No, English is his first language.

OP posts:

fairgame84 · 08/08/2018 07:40

Ex used to do this when asserting his authority. If he referred to DS as 'my' child then it meant that he expected xxxx to be done as he had requested it as 'the man and head of the family'.
When he wasn't interested (parent's evenings, hospital appointments etc) then DS was 'your' child. Twat.

LyraLieIn · 08/08/2018 07:41

I don't really understand the context - doesn't he say "I'd really like Johnny to learn music" or whatever?

Vitalogy · 08/08/2018 07:43

"I would like a child of mine to speak Spanish" would be better I think.

"We're pregnant" I always find odd.

Spam88 · 08/08/2018 07:44

I'm always getting told off by my DH for saying 'my daughter' 😬 I don't mean anything by it!

Original poster

Abbar · 08/08/2018 08:34

@Spam88 perhaps you should listen to what your husband is saying to you and change the way you speak about your shared child...must get pretty tiring for him to keep bringing up something small that bothers him and just have you throw it back in his face. Do you not care about his feelings?

OP posts:

Firesuit · 08/08/2018 08:53

Both "my" and "our" are perfectly accurate identifiers of the child in question. His child is his child, the fact that he/she is also someone else's doesn't change that.

If I told someone that "my daughter is tall for her age", the "my" doesn't imply that she's only mine and has no other parent. It just means that out of all the daughters in the world, she's distinguished from the rest by being my offspring.

Firesuit · 08/08/2018 08:55

Both "my" and "our" are perfectly accurate identifiers of the child in question

I am assuming you aren't really concerned that he has children you don't know about!

Vitalogy · 08/08/2018 09:06

Both "my" and "our" are perfectly accurate identifiers of the child in question. His child is his child, the fact that he/she is also someone else's doesn't change that. Grammatically but not subtlety in certain situations.

Hillarious · 08/08/2018 10:00

My language is dotted with possessive pronouns - I come from a part of the country where a lot of relatives are referred to by name as "our Jean" or "our Tom". But it gets complicated. I never refer to my parents as "our mum" or "our dad" when talking to my brother - instead it's "your mum" or "my mum". Auntie Jean is either "your auntie" or "my auntie", never "our auntie", but might be referred to as "our Jean".

With DH, who's not from the same part of the country as me, I talk about "my daughter" or "your daughter" or just by her name alone. Though may revert to my roots and occasionally call her "our Hillarious offspring".

It's something or nothing. Only the OP can sense if there's any evil intent in her DH's use of "my".

Vitalogy · 08/08/2018 10:35

But it gets complicated. I never refer to my parents as "our mum" or "our dad" when talking to my brother - instead it's "your mum" or "my mum" Would it not just be "mum"?

Hillarious · 08/08/2018 11:08

No. To my brother I would say "Ask your mum", or I would say "I'll ask my dad".

Vitalogy · 08/08/2018 11:17

I think the added "your" or "my" is superfluous when you share the same mother but each to their own.

Hillarious · 08/08/2018 11:28

It's just the way we speak where I come from. Down to the local dialect, really, but nothing meant by it. I'm not exerting any power or status over my brother by referring to our mum as "my mum". At least, he's never voiced any complaints.

CesiraAndEnrico · 08/08/2018 11:31

Here's how to work out if the "my" has particular significance to him, as in he is underling something like "she's mine too you know !" or "my child, my rules, cos it's all about me"

We don't always know we are doing it, but we stress the words in a sentence that we feel are the most significant information.

So if you hear MY with a strong vowel (stressed) he thinks the use of my is significant info. You just need to work out which of all the possible reasons is behind the significance.

If he is making a half squished /muh/ /ma/ sound, or some other version where the vowel is weak ... the "my" isn't significant information to him, and he probably isn't trying to prove a point with it.

KoolAidPickle · 08/08/2018 11:33

yabvu. It is his child. It is also your child. When he's talking to you, the term his child is perfectly correct. He would use our child when talking to someone else.

twoshedsjackson · 08/08/2018 11:37

Wait until DC strays from the path of virtue, then refer to "your child" as in, "your child has scribbled on the wallpaper again".
If he objects, you can point out the discrepancy. If he accepts the whole package - fair enough.

CesiraAndEnrico · 08/08/2018 11:39

PS You'll need a lot more than one example of the use to usefully draw any conclusions. Speed of speaking, who you are speaking to, nature of the conversation, emotion etc. can cause variance.

But if in general the MY is as clear as a bell whereas surrounding words sound a little "muddier" of vowel and less clearly enunciated, it might be worth digging to find out why.

Furx · 08/08/2018 12:09

The rule of thumb in the Furx household is that dd is our child, unless she has done something praiseworthy, then she’s mine. If it’s something dreadful then she’s his.

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