...to have expected more?
DS has just turned 1. Had multiple medical problems picked up antenatally so it's been a very gruelling 18 months for DH & I but I'm beginning to wonder when things will get better between us. After many hospital visits & tests, things are now more stable medically which I am so grateful for but family life just isn't what I'd imagined.
DH & I both work and need to so we can keep afloat financially. I work 3 days and him, 4. DS does 2 days in nursery. My family live abroad. His family live about an hour away but only really help in emergencies. They offered to take DS when we were struggling to get a nursery place but on the basis that he moved in with them during the 3 days we need childcare. As much as I would love a little time to myself & I appreciate the offer of help, I just couldn't be without him 3 days a week. This means I'm now struggling to get to work in time after nursery drop off & under a lot of pressure to leave on time so I don't miss pick up time. DH has been trying to cover days where I have a lot of work on & wont be able to leave on time but has to make up the hours to leave early so this means going into work for 7am (5am wake up). We're both constantly tired & grumpy with each other as a result. I know I am part of the blame- I've really struggled with the medical diagnosis & the uncertainty. More than once in the early months, I convinced myself DS had deteriorated & DH had to leave work to come home to reassure me. I've had a lot of professional help now and things are a lot better but I know these months have taken their toll on DH. A lot of friends haven't known what to say & have become distanced over the last 18 months so we really are only around each other and DS except events like weddings, christenings etc which won't be helping.
Now we get home around 7, feed DS, eat, do jobs & go to bed for the early start. Weekends are spent doing jobs or having serious discussions about medical things/family issues etc. I have a lot of things I need to do for work in my own time & things I need to do for my wider family to help out (document based) so do this in my evenings while he watches TV in another room. We don't seem to do any "fun" activities. Every weekend, DH wants to have alone time so we can both recoup. He wants to take DS & let me have time to myself & for me to do the same. I appreciate it but I just want us to spend time as a family. I feel as though I spend all week looking forward to the weekend but then I realise it's just going to be 2 days of jobs alongside arguing because DH wants time to himself while I want us all to spend time together. We needed fertility treatment for DS so DH is desperate to get the process started again but I just feel worried. I don't know how we'd cope with 2 DC especially when one has a lot of hospital visits/stays & we don't have support. I'm worried a second child will add to the stress between DH & I. We used to have fun doing anything, he even made supermarket visits fun! Now all we do is argue. Today we were due to do another "job" and go to Ikea but we argued so much that we decided it was best we didn't spend the day together so he went alone with DS while I spent 2 hours doing ironing and cleaning. We can't be in the same room without having an argument- usually about a second child. He thinks we'd somehow "cope" and his family might help but I think he needs to look at it practically before we bite off more than we can chew. We haven't had time without DS aside from 1 evening when my family visited & we had a lovely time but this was 6 months ago. I know time alone without DS would help & I've suggested paying someone but DH is worried about another expense. (Due to his medical problems, we'd only be happy to leave DS with someone who would come regularly, not just someone as a one off.) Does it get easier? AIBU to have hoped we'd have time to do family activities? I know realistically we need to start fertility treatment soon as it could take a long time but at the same time I'm worried about adding another child into the mix.
I really don't even know what I'm asking but I guess stories of other people coping with 2 children when both parents work without any support so I can see it's possible. I am so grateful for DS as I know things could be very different with the medical issues but I just expected things to be a little different for us as a family now he's older and able to enjoy days out. (I should add we both individually take him out on our days alone with him but this is while the other parent is at work).