Where do you draw the line with PIL? AIBU?

[TheGreenWoman]

My relationship with my PIL has always been strained, with one or two notable blow ups. Things have recently come to a head, following me finding out what they've been saying about me behind my back. I have no interest in ever seeing them again - I can accept them having these views (I don't feel everyone has to like me) but saying them in front of my DC is another thing, plus while I can accept those views, it doesn't make me want to spend time with them. DH feels the same, as we are very close. DCs say the same, but are only just into teens, so I wonder if that's a bit young for them to make such a big decision.

PIL are not physically or sexually abusive, it's all emotional manipulation, narcissistic behaviour, etc. Absolutely typical narcissistic from one PIL, quieter from the other, but it's very clear the views of me are the same from both.

Where is your line in the sand for going NC? Or am I being unreasonable to consider it? Problem is, I'm not sure they'll accept me going NC, without making life VERY awkward for my DC & DH. But just not sure I can be in the same room as them ever again. Or have any other kind of contact. And have some worries how healthy exposure to this is for my DC. But on the other hand, my DC do love PIL - though interestingly one more than the other. And DC have been very upset by recent turn of events, and tears have been shed by them.

Thoughts?

They’re upsetting you, your husband and your children and slagging you off to your children. That’s deeply unsettling for a child to hear.

I think you have reasons aplenty to pull right back and stop initiating contact then see what they do.

Have you read Toxic Inlaws? Very helpful.

Many families keep in contact with in-laws for the partners only, Partners take the children to see them. This can work perfectly well. There is no point in seeing them if the relationship is awful. Your partner should tell them that is the reason

I’d make clear that you don’t want to see them, but you will not get in the way of their relationship with their son and grandkids. Your DH should break the news and he should make clear that things may change if they continue to slag you off in front of the children. Disgraceful behaviour by them

But do your DH and DCs really want to see them, knowing what they have said about you, OP?
If they do, WHY?!
Let them go without you, but they should be prepared to walk out and never return if the badmouthing happens again. Last chance saloon time. Surely their biggest loyalty should be to the OP?

If you and dh both agree then I don't see why you'd even worry about them any more. How dare they be rude about you in at all never mind in front of your children!

Thanks all for your thoughts.

Annelovesgilbert - I'll look that book (?) up, thanks.

My DH doesn't want to see them ever again, no. My DC say they don't want to see the one who has been most verbal, but they'd like to see the other (who actually thinks the same as the really narcissistic one, but just doesn't verbalise as much - unless the shit really hits the fan, and then it all comes out). But the DC say they accept that they have to either see neither or both, and choose neither. I just worry about being the cause of them not seeing loved family. But then again, my DC have had more issues with PIL as they've got older, and PIL seem to like DC less and less, as they develop their own views.

Strongmummy - in an ideal world, that is what would happen. DH and I would not see PIL, but if DC wanted to, they'd be allowed to, with an explanation to PIL of the fact that if they said anything negative about us, contact would be revoked. In reality, doing this with PIL would not work - been there before! Either of us saying anything to the PIL would result in absolute shit hitting fan - full on tantrum, insults, crying - you name it. Anything that can be perceived as criticism of PIL is not acceptable to them. When DC were younger, a very minor incident of us not letting PIL have their own way in something led to a huge fallout and a period of a year of NC. Which quite honestly was marvellous for me, but DC and DH missed them.

It's all so sad. I'd love to have a good relationship with them, but they just don't like me, and never have. And I've begun to struggle more & more with the narcissistic behaviour - especially as I've seen it upset my DC. That actually hurts more than any insult to me - my DC are amazing people.

From what you're saying it sounds like you should have stopped contact a long time ago actually. I don't think you're being too hasty at all.

Also unless it leaves lasting damage, physical abuse is not worse than emotional abuse, which normally leaves lasting damage. (I don't know about sexual abuse.) So don't say, oh they don't hit them so it's not abuse. It really sounds like abuse to me.

It doesn't sound like they're actually "loved family" by your children. And that they and your husband "missed" them doesn't matter. Now they're saying they don't want to see them. It might be easier for you because they're your in-laws, but they're his parents, their grandparents. You can long for something that doesn't exist and it might feel like missing but it's not really. You are not the reason your ILs are like that, so you aren't the reason they don't have lovely parents/grandparents. If you are the reason they stop being able to hurt your children that's a good thing.

I don't see any benefit in your DC having GP that badmouth their DM.

With your further post I agree that stopping seeing them is probably best for your immediate family.

If you and your DH, as adults, cannot cope with their nastiness and manipulation - why do you think your children will be able to? Protect them from your PIL.

OP - are you me?! I could have almost written your post. I too have awful in-laws...after several years of ridiculous narcissistic behaviour and badmouthing me behind my back they made some horrendous accusations and essentially started blaming me for all the issues that they have created in their extremely fucked up family! I have now been NC with them for 5 years - I feel sad that I don't have lovely (or at least normal and decent) in-laws, but very happy I don't have to engage with them. My kids are younger and don't see them currently - I won't allow it until I know they can behave in a mature non-toxic way around them (not sure it will ever happen TBH).
One thing you might find- my DH is behind me one hundred percent and now has a very boundaried relationship with them (think seeing them once in 5 years and exchanging occasional emails) - but does find this pretty upsetting. However much your DH despises what his parents have done towards you, he will inevitably find this upsetting as the years go on - so be ready to support him a lot also. Stay strong and good luck. No-one had the right to treat you like shit, no matter who they are!