Suffering in Silence..

[FannyFanackerpants71]

Is it me! Or, are people who do not know their arse from their elbow & complete drama Llamas, more respected, supported & molly coddled than those who don't make a fuss? Am I wrong to think that people who struggle with basic day to day household chores & tasks, their children, the garden, their husbands foibles, their homes, work, parking issues & life in general & make huge demonstrative demonstrations about how the cannot cope are pandered to & consoled more than those who are seen to be ' coping' & don't make a noise & get on with life in silence? Am I being unreasonable to think people who 'molly coddle' & surround those who moan constantly that they can't cope, should actually spend more time supporting those who ' appear' to be coping & getting on quietly with life? AIBU to think that even those who suffer in silence, say nothing & support others always, sometimes need a cup of tea in someone else's house and a warm hug?

You're absolutely right.

Life can sometimes be a struggle with everyday things that most people take for granted. Good luck.

Yes, and the incompetent whiners get promotions faster than those who just get on with it. Weird.

@Apehouse yes, that's not specifically what I was referring to here, but I have seen less competent people than me be promoted ..above me! But that's a whole another thread. It's not what you know, it's about who you erm...

Hell yes, we get zero support from family with regards to kids/phone calls/visits because we are always "ok" as opposed to siblings on both sides who make ridiculous life choices and constantly "need"
Ive got friends who I help out that never return the favour because I'm always "alright" but they find it hard. I had a 2yr old, newborn, dog and c-section.
But on the upside, everything we achieve is solo, don't owe anything, don't feel bound to anyone

those who suffer in silence, say nothing & support others always

I would say that these people ^ should not be held up as some kind of great thing to be - not assertively minding your boundaries and asking clearly for what you want and need makes it very very easy to being a total martyr. And no one likes a martyr bubbling with internal injustice!

Of course the other (drama llama) extreme isn't any good either and these types of people are also VERY annoying. Balance is good!

Not that I am saying you ARE a martyr op - you just need to be careful with that mindset of 'just getting on with it' that you're actually taking care of your needs and being assertive iykwim!

@plannedshock yes, I totally relate to that. It seems to me & within my family & friends dynamic , if you make shite rash & hasty life choices everyone is there for you, do things right & with thought & foresight & your on your on your own! Strange world!

As a self confessed martyr who is currently getting her arse handed to her on another thread where I finally said I needed help and dared expect that help from my partner, I will definitely just stick to being a silent martyr in future!

@pandarific yes, I take your point. A lot of the time I give to others, without them actually asking & then I am somewhat surprised when it's not returned. I am quite nurturing by nature, but starting to see that people will take.. without necessarily feeling obliged to give! In saying that, some people really are just incapable of dealing with themselves and life and basic common sense and that is what I am losing patience with now!

@neededastealthname I hear you! I am a
Martyr too! I've realised, nobody cares about my martyrdom , they just think I'm a soft touch! I'm changing that now!

Fanny, I had this irritatingly relentless belief in the goodness of people and I would sort of just expect them to be kind but on the other hand have always been fairly sensitive to when people act like selfish dicks. I need to toughen up but I don't want to do the 'if you can't beat em join em' because then I'd just be a selfish dick too! A liitle more assertiveness and a happy middle ground is what I'm going to aim for.

@neededastealthname I'm not sure this "goodness"in people is there. that's what I'm trying to say. It seems to me the lazy & the feckless & the inept are glorified and supported while us plodders .. well we can just get on it with ..no one is there to fight our corner!

Isn't this a bit similar to those people who save and scrimp for their old age being hit with care costs while watching the feckless buggers who pissed it all up a wall get bailed out by the state?
It IS unfair.

Yes some people struggle with semingly normal stuff constantly - and get help. (especially at work IME). But, re struggling on/quietly coping, people aren't psychic & you don't ask, you don't get. Example: years back, friend in very chaotic understaffed mental health unit refused to confide in her nominated nurse that she was struggling. She saw those who did, as 'attention seeking'. In the end, I was so worried I spoke to the Nurse & she got more support. If you struggle on, people will assume you are OK.

@cchristie1936 yes, basically exactly the same! Makes me wonder why I bust my backside doing everything 'right' in this world! I've worked my bum off to leave my kids a small legacy, but will I? My martyr complex again. The feckless incompetents around me don't seem to lose any sleep .,while they are all at each houses having tea & supporting each other over their pants life choices... & I'm sat here on my own . with just my life assurances, tidy organised house & self sufficiency to keep me company 🤭

@CSIblonde yes, I do take your point. I've reached out to people many times, particularly in the last year, I've even told them I feel invisible & I need support! No reply, nothing! I can at least see the humour in that irony! I've given up asking now. Just as well I am as resilient as I am otherwise I would have fallen to pieces by now. I think that's what I tried to say with this thread,no one seems to see me, so I carry on alone!

People aren’t psychic. I’d say if you don’t get help and struggle on alone, that it’s your own responsibility to make it known you want/need help. If you can’t do that it’s not other peoples fault.

You are right but please don't be resentful because everyone has different thresholds and no-one can help how they feel.

If you were near me I'd love to make you a cup of tea and sit with you for a while.

@Hideandgo I agree,that's why I have asked my friends for a bit of company, a cup of tea & a general change of scenery for a few hours but everyone is busy/oblivious/ consumed in their own made chaos to make anytime. I don't think they know what to do as I'm always the one they turn to & maybe this is an unknown scenario for them! End result though is I'm just left to get on with it, as I always do. I'm proud of the strength of character I have discovered in myself. I've had a difficult few years and coped with it stoically & quietly and in a dignified way, didn't feel the need to scream & shout or cry or plaster it all over FB, while still supporting & being their to listen to everyone else. I just thought it would be nice,once I'd told them, I'd actually like to step away from my kitchen table this time and sit at some one else's for a change but clearly the people around me are very self centred drama llamas & I've allowed that to a certain extent! My kitchen is closed now!

@Rebecca36, yes, I think that's it. Peoples thresholds are different and I see that my idea of what constitutes needing a bit of support and others are very different. Thankyou for the virtual tea though. 😊

Totally agree OP and have discovered that incompetent colleagues get promoted as otherwise they claim bullying or discrimination SOLELY for being told to do what everyone else does without being asked! Sorry too p'd off to punctuate . It's great when they find employment elsewhere though

@MaryPoppinsBloomers Crikey, I'm returning to work in Sept after a period of stay at home mumness. Reassuring to see the work environment is just as I left it 😩.

Thankyou all for your lovely comments. I feel better now and all ' tea'd' out. That's all I really needed. Just wish it could have come from my friends. I have new boundaries now. Thank you again!

I'm not talking about mums - we are usually the ones who knuckle down and do a good job! I've just worked with waaay too many people who think they can constantly rock up late and pass work they haven't finished to colleagues who then have to work twice as hard or stay back late. They then make formal complaints if management dare to remind them of their responsibilities.