Dealing with emotional blackmail

[crispysausagerolls]

So I posted a couple of weeks ago about ex-stepfather trying to bully his way into a visit with newborn at an inopportune time (link below). People gave me excellent advice and as a result I messaged him saying I needed some space from him as I found his tone and manner of going about everything very selfish and harassing. He replied with a message saying I’d taken everything incorrectly but he would “leave me alone forever” (yes, really). I didn’t respond. He sent me an email yesterday saying again I had taken everything incorreclty and that probably, as things are going well with my parents, i don’t need him anymore but he would like to be in my life. The comment about my parents and the whole tone reeks of emotional blackmail and I am unsure what I should do. On one hand he is an old man who I do care about and feel very guilty cutting out of my life, on the other hand everyone hates him and I do think his behaviour has been out of line, and I hate to be emotionally blackmailed.

Original thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3310074-To-have-lost-my-temper?pg=1&order=

I'd try for a response that makes it clear you want him in your life but that doesn't mean he can set all the terms and throw his toys out of the pram if he doesn't get his way. Perhaps something like:

"Dear DSF
My last message explained I need some space and that I felt you were acting somewhat selfishly - your response was essentially to tell me you would never speak to me again.
I'm glad you've clearly changed your mind because I do want to stay in touch and continue being a part of each other's lives. However- we both know that your comment about me "not needing you anymore" because of "how X and Y are getting along" was not only untrue but also completely unnecessary. Life with a newborn is stressful enough without being made to feel I have treated you unfairly when all I asked for was for some space to get settled with new baby and get some of the associated medical visits / appointments etc. out of the way.
[Then finish on whatever note you like: "I'll be in touch when I'm ready for a visit" or whatever].
Love, Crispy"

I read you other thread. Fuck that. You are under no obligation to allow anyone to visit you until you are comfortable, especially an ex-stepdad who has acted in a suggestive/sleazy manner to you in the past and is now trying to emotionally blackmail you, when you've already made it clear to him that it is not a good time for him to visit.

Why do so many men not realize that no means no? Don't give in.

Ok I’m very torn between the two pieces of advice given! That’s a really good email Trombone, thank you

You're very welcome OP - obviously the email is drafted in the assumption that you do want to keep him in your life and - TBH - you're perfectly entitled to not want that based on previous behaviour.
Hope whatever you decide it all goes well for you (and congrats on new baby!)

Oh Christ I've just seen the "suggestive/ sleazy" ref from PP - I must have missed that reading original thread...
I'd seriously consider blocking and ignoring if I were you OP

sadtrombone

I’ve just sent your email - mostly because he has (about 2 days ago) moved around 10 mins away from me and will no doubt frequent the local cafes and walk past my house etc to bump into me, so I would rather it not be very unpleasant or awkward, and I feel that this buys me time. Although I am very unhappy about the close proximity we will be in! Hopefully my mother bumps into him first and tells him to find another place to hang out.