To be so pissed off and fed up of my DM and her constant moaning and whinging?

[PinkPepsiCola]

Just that really.

I'm finding being around my DM so challenging at the moment. In fact quite honestly I don't want to be around her at all. She's always been difficult but tolerable, however over the past few years she's become even worse. She literally doesn't stop moaning, she's bored, she doesn't go anywhere, she hates her job and wants to retire, she's sick of people 'putting on her', she hates cooking, she hates cleaning etc. That's just off the top of my head. She moans about this stuff but won't actually do anything about it. She has no hobbies and few friends and won't do anything about that either .

She is utterly vile to my DF who seems to have detached from her somewhat and now goes off and does his own thing. She's horrible and mean spirited and full of bile for friends and other family members. In fact she's downright fucking nasty. It's relentless and draining.

I just want to grab her, shake her, tell her to STFU and see how lucky she bloody well is.

I'm so, so tired of it. She's using me as her sounding board and Ive had enough. It's making me feel ill.

AIBU to just want her to shut up?

Tell her exactly how you feel. Seriously what’s to loose.

Do you ever challenge her about this? If you never have then she probably does just see you as her sounding board and won't stop unless you tell her that she is wearing you down.

I just want to grab her, shake her, tell her to STFU and see how lucky she bloody well is.

Why don't you? Well not the grabbing part but tell her cop on. Ask her is there a genuine reason why she is so bitter.

I have a DMIL who is similar, very unhappy with her life, she has never experienced hardship, trauma etc but is so bitter, thinks she has gotten the raw end of the deal. Bitches about all of us to each other, she is draining. I have distanced myself from her.

What really drives me mad is she will not do anything to change it. She has the same routine every day and will not deviate from it. We have suggested numerous things she could do but she always finds the negative in everything and a reason to not do anything new.

No advice just sympathise with you. It is draining for everyone. My husband has told her that she will be left alone if she doesn't make the effort to change but it falls on deaf ears.

If I challenged her she'd hit the roof. She is quite emotionally stunted/immature and we have never been allowed to challenge her. If we do we get an explosion of anger and then an epic sulk.

If she's sulking, she's not moaning??! 😊

Let her explode and sulk.

You’re scared of her and that needs to stop, honestly you need to withdraw and look after your own health.

Do it - just tell her. Distance yourself while she's still up and about.

I wish I had. My mum's pushing 80 now and too disabled for me to desert her. I should have gone NC when I had the chance.

Let her explode.

EightDaysaweek that sounds familiar.

I know people with the most terrible stuff going on in their lives, she doesn't know she is born. She really doesn't.

I expect she’s always had her own way op. Tell her she’s lucky and to stop moaning.

Let her explode and you go after your dad and chat to him instead. By staying quiet you are enabling her to carry on bullying you all.

MIL is like this and I really struggle with it. Out with her the other day we walked past a homeless man and she said ‘I bet his life isn’t as shit as mine’. Wtf?

She moans about having to work, looking after her flat, being single... it’s exhausting. It’s like the world owes her and hasn’t delivered.

It upsets me a lot as we lost my dad recently, young at 55, and he absolutely loved life and enjoyed every day. It’s so fucking unfair. My poor mum was also diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few weeks after losing Dad and still manages to be more positive than perfectly healthy MIL.

Following with interest for any coping strategies.

"we have never been allowed to challenge her."
As the saying goes, if nothing ever changes then nothing ever changes. So make that initial change and challenge her. She explodes and sulks - fine, if she's sulking she's not moaning. Whatever you do, do NOT appease her. State your feelings, and hold the line. She can sulk all she wants to, but you need to tell her you are no longer willing to be her sounding board of listen to her nastiness. And stick to it. Treat her as you would a child, be consistent. No means no.

Ive made suggestions on how she can change stuff but it's always either ignored or there's a reason why she can't. For example she moans about cooking, so I suggested she meal plans or batch cooks instead but she 'doesn't want to'. She doesn't like cleaning, so I suggest getting a cleaner but she doesn't want to do that either. She can't be bothered going to the supermarket so I suggest she does it online, but she likes to see what she is buying?! WTF.

The reason she won't retire is because she doesn't have a big private pension and can't claim her state yet. Basically she likes the money. Oh and did I mention she only works three mornings a week?! Though the way she goes on she does back to back twelve hour shifts down a mine shaft. She's bored but she just sits there playing games on her phone.

I could go on.

I could have literally written your post op! I don't have any advice I'm afraid but I do sympathise, it's absolutely fucking draining.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant and I find a long day out on my own with my 19 month old, in the heat far less draining than an hour with my mother.

She bitches about everything and anyone and it's infuriating!

My mum is only mid fifties by the way and works 6 hours a week. But it's THE most stressful 6 hours ANYONE could work because she's the glue that holds the place together....not the 50 other workers that are mostly full time.

I give up!

The world's composed of radiators and drains. The latter are best avoided.

The bitching is what gets to me the most. She is so filled with hate and bile for people who actually care about her, if they ever heard her spout off like that they'd not only been hurt beyond belief, they'd probably never speak to her again.

Could you record what she is saying and play it back to her?
Maybe she's not aware of how bad she is coming across. Unlikely I know! But it might just give her a big fat shock, a dose of reality and shut her up for a bit

OP, you need to push right back when she acts out! Let her get angry, let her sulk. But don’t let her terrorise you. This “blood is thicker than water” shite makes people think that they can behave in any way they want, treat others in any way they want, and just get away with it. But they can’t! Just tell her to f-off next time, and draw clear boundaries from now on.

My FIL is the same, and like a PP I lost my own DM a couple of years ago far too young. I simply can't give him the airtime, it irritates me too much that he wastes his life.

I think Ive probably been conditioned into pussyfooting around her. It's hard to break over thirty years of training like that, but I'm actually quite concerned for my mental health. She manages to poison the atmosphere she is is that bad, and I feel dread when I'm in her company.

Do as you're told then, OP! Don't give us your excuses as to why you can't face her up. Like someone else said, if nothing ever changes, nothing will ever change.

Try changing the subject -determinedly talk about something you want to and keep doing it. If on the phone be busy and have to cut talks short and screen calls on days you can't face it.

Gently suggest she is very down - and suggest the GP - though that's never worked for me.

Have some small treat for yourself after vists or calls.

You're a grown woman, who cares if she "hits the roof?" Will she ground you?? She's poisoning your life because you are allowing her to. You need to tell her everything you wrote in your original post and how it's impacting your life. You literally have nothing to lose.