To not bother the GP

[jamoncrumpets]

... because there's not much they can do anyway?

I'm stuck at home with 4yo DS on holiday from nursery and an 8 week old baby. DH is the busiest he's ever been at work and is out of the house from 7-7. It's too hot to go to the park or even the beach (we live in the SE). DS has ASD so new or busy places need to be managed carefully. There doesn't seem to be a minute of the day where I'm not at their beck and call.

And i know I'm lucky, but I just feel so empty. Yesterday I sat down for ten minutes while the baby slept and DS played on the iPad and I had to work really hard not to start sobbing.

And yes, it's probably PND. And I should probably see the GP, but what can they actually do, really? I'm already on antidepressants and I don't want to increase the dose (it took me a long time to taper my dose down and I don't care to do it again). I can't simply switch meds because of the addictive quality of my particular antidepressant (waves at other venlafaxine takers). I'm already on the waiting list for talk therapy.

So what's the point?

Why are you stuck at home? Is there nowhere you can get to?

Have you been to your local children's centre for play sessions or asked about Homestart? It sounds like you need to see other adults.

I think it might be a combination of what's normal and pnd possibly?
I have the same age gap and I just remember crying a lot and feeling so tired. I felt guilty about not entertaining the older one enough and not being quite good enough and also feeling like there was nothing left for me. Dh was v busy at work, like yours.
I thinks it's normal and we don't talk about it enough.
It does get better it just takes a while.

It could just be my new normal, I guess. Which feels a bit bleak tbh.

Having a tiny baby is exhausting. It gets easier as time passes. Looking after 2 by yourself is tough. Can your dh help out a bit more?

I am a GP and would suggest several things, firstly you can go and talk to your GP but they will likely suggest an increase in dose.
If they are sympathetic they may just listen.
Ring your hv and ask about any support groups locally.
Is there funds for a day or half day a week help? During summer loads of sixth formers or students looking for work. Cod you afford half a day? Someone to mind baby so you can take da out to somewhere he can manage? Or just someone else in house to help/company... An old fashioned 'mother's help'

Thirdly make a day plan.. Like a nursery structure of what you are going to do.. It might make days more manageable.

Fourthly... Tell a friend your struggling.. Parents like to pretend we arw all doing brilliantly but I bet others are stuck in doors or bored or tired etc.. If your dd cannot manage say a play group, could just one friend and their mum coming over be doable?

You sound like you need some company.

Lastly could you ds handle quiet activities.. Your local library might have story time for example that may be calmer and would get you out of house.

Sorry got dd and ds muddled.. I meant your ds!

I am in the exact same situation as you Op so no advice but sending

If this was my friend I would want to help. You could come round to my house in your PJs or I could come round to your house even if it was a bomb site and I wouldn't give a shit.

Please if you have friends tell them - ask for help!!

I didn't want to go back on medication when I first had PND because I knew the side effects and withdrawal would be awful. But thank god I did - it's saved my life and helped me enjoy my DD. If you can bear it, give it to 12 weeks and see how you feel. Thinking of you.

Sending a big hug. You’re at just about the toughest bit of early parenting- sleep deprived, depressed, stuck at home, trying to juggle conflicting needs of a new baby and an older sibling.
Of course things will get a lot better, especially when the baby sleeps through the night and you get your life back and return to work and normality- but that’s all in the future and you need some encouragement and help and happiness right now.
In this hot weather, why not stick the kids in the nice cool air conditioned car and let the baby nod off as you drive. Go somewhere also cool and air conditioned. It really doesn’t matter where- your local supermarket will do for starters!
The important bit is just to get you out of the house, even for half an hour. It will help you feel less trapped and miserable, and get you back into the human race again.
The next day, plan an outing with your 4 year old. Somewhere cool and shady, like a woodland park.
If he has speech (I’m not sure how severe his asd is), rehearse the trip, so he knows what to expect- discuss what he will see there, whether there is a cafe etc. My autistic DD just didn’t like surprises, she was fine if she knew where she was going and what it would be like.
Once you can manage short trips out with the kids, you’ll begin to feel a bit more human, and you may find you have a wee chat with other mothers at the checkout, cafe, coffee shop, or wherever.
At that stage you may begin to feel enough confidence to try a more sociable activity like a mother and baby group. These can vary from hugely supportive and a source of new friends, to ghastly competitive mothering sessions or dull housewives comparing toilet training methods, but it’s worth a try just to get some chat and company!
Your antidepressants will take several weeks to work, and in the first few weeks you may even feel worse - your energy and motivation come back before your mood actually lifts, so you can feel irritable, angry or even suicidal before you feel better. Stick with it - you will improve.
Finally, call in any support you already do have, from friends, family, your local church, volunteers etc. There is lots of help available, so don’t feel shy to access it.
Good luck OP. You’re doing much better than you think you are, and you will get through this. God bless.

GPs can really only offer drugs.
You need a break, some time off.
I hope you find a way to get some time off.

“The New Normal” is a phrase that always strikes fear deep into my sleep-deprived maternal heart. This isn’t your new normal, OP, don’t worry. As you say, dh is extra busy at work (won’t always be); ds on school hols (not forever); and dd is 8 weeks - I think one of the toughest stages of newborn: the initial rush of energy wears off, the sleep deprivation catches up on you. I cried so much at that point - but from this week onwards, she’ll get easier and easier to look after. Things are on the up! But it does sound hard: if you don’t want to up your dose, can you reach out to your husband for help? Can he not reduce his hours while you’re not feeling well? Is there anyone else who might be good company? On the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with increasing your dose if you want to - you’re dealing with lots of things singlehandedly, and heroically, while also looking after your mental health. It’s not failing to need medicine, and you shouldn’t feel bad about doing it if it’s going to make you better.

I agree getting out of the house is important.
It's not the new normal , it's temporary and it's important to remember that.
Can you tell someone how you are feeling?

Thanks all, I felt so stupid posting because my situation is so common, but I have really been feeling down.

Anyway, while reading early replies I remembered that there was a holiday session on at my local children's centre this morning, so without letting myself worry I bundled both kids into the car (which doesn't have air con, I'm afraid) and went.

DS enjoyed it, in his own way. And I just sat with feeding/snoozy baby on me. There were lots of nice mums around, and although I didn't really chat to any (because most were running after toddlers) it was nice to see that there must be others in my situation.

DH can't do much about work situation at the moment but knows I am struggling. I had a mother's help for a while last week but we can't really afford regular help, the money he's earning this month is much needed.