To ask for advice regarding contact?

[NoCheeseFeast]

I split with DH 6 weeks ago after finding out he had had a number of affairs (most were distance - people he had met working overseas). There were also other strange lies he had told came out. He has always been verbally abusive and controlling to an extent but this had improved over our ten years together (mostly because I avoided going out/doing anything that would piss him off).
Now we have split and DS (8) who I though would be devastated, and is the main reason I stayed with DH, hasn’t seemed upset at all. He does talk positively about DH but when he is due to speak to/see DH he moans about it although doesn’t get stressed.
Since splitting DH has been very abusive to me over the phone with constant calls and messages the majority of which I ignore. These jump between nice and nasty and have included ‘we may not be together now but will all be together in the afterlife’ calling me a tart, horrible nasty person, ‘stand by stand by’ that I will ‘pay for what I have done’ and loads of messages implying I sleep around (even though I’ve been with no one except him for around 10 years) and loads how much he loves and misses me, day and night.
When he collects DS he makes an excuse to come in like he needs the toilet and then will grab my phone/keys anything he can see to drag it out and will back me into a corner to kiss my head while I’m trying to get away. Twice when he has had him so far he messaged loads asking what I was doing and saying he would have to bring DS home as he was worried I was on a date but then changes his mind when I say he can bring DS back.
I’ve said I want him to tell me at the start of each week when he will ring/see DS so we don’t need to speak further and I will not agree to overnight (because apart from anything else he would be a nightmare asking what I’m doing when he can’t even let me have a day to myself). He has also put his fist to my face and implies he will be violent but doesn’t actually do it.
What contact would you agree or would you stop it altogether? The solicitor said an injunction costs thousands to try which I can’t afford but without one I don’t think I can stop contact? He hasn’t been violent so I don’t think the police can help. I found out he has an a child with an ex that he can’t see because of an injunction for violence but that’s going back 15 years.

Sorry I have no advice am in a similar position though. for you

I find the comments about being together in the afterlife; the threats and the physical and verbal harassment very alarming. I hope that you take care for the ongoing safety of yourself and your son. Certainly change the locks if you have not done so, Document everything you can remember of his behaviour, save all texts and phone messages and take that to the police. Women are most vulnerable to harm from men when they leave, and this man has form.

If he’s going to make it difficult collecting DS from home then I suggest you meet him somewhere public for handovers. Take with you bare minimum necessity. Don’t respond to any messages which aren’t to do with DS.

Might be worth saying you’ll only deal with emails and he needs to call DS at an allotted time or DS will call him between x and y time, so that he doesn’t have any reason to call you unless it is an emergency.

He’s continuing to abuse you. It’s still about control.

Much as I think people should deal with these things themselves, have you got a father/brother/best mates steroid filled husband who can do the hand over for you?

TBH, I would get Ds bag packed by the door, as soon as Ex draws up in his car, I would be out the front door and handing over at the gate. no need for him to come in to your space and use the toilet or whatever.

and will back me into a corner to kiss my head while I’m trying to get away this is assault.

He has also put his fist to my face and implies he will be violent but doesn’t actually do it. this is threatening behaviour (and intimidation)

Since splitting DH has been very abusive to me over the phone with constant calls and messages the majority of which I ignore. this is harassment.

Diary for a month, then police. There is no other way.

This is controlling and coercive behaviour, and as such is a police matter. Your solicitor should have explained this to you!
Contact the police and tell them what is happening, particularly the comments about the after life and so on, as that is the controlling part - he's in effect threatening to kill you.
From now on, you need to arrange contact with your son through a third party, I had this with my ex and instead of coming to the house, drop off and pick up was through a relative. It made it much less stressful. He should not be coming into your house at all costs.

His behaviour sounds like potential stalking, harassment and assault. It is absolutely a police matter. I would speak to them now.

I am keeping all of the messages and just keep repeating what we’ve agreed about contact and that we don’t need to speak otherwise but he doesn’t give up. The house is in my name but as we’re married he could move back in (I don’t think he realises that) so whilst I’ve changed the locks I’m worried he will realise and try and move back in, the solicitor said an occupation order could cost thousands too and I might not have enough against him to get one.
Good idea OurMiracle I’ll do the handover in public for contact.
Sorry you are going through it to Marlboro

Unfortunately NewYear I don’t have anyone suitable to do it. One of my amazing friends did come round to help me when I first made him leave and I’m so grateful to her for that but I couldn’t ask her to do it regularly

Meet him in public.
Don't let him into your house.
Only email him, don't respond to any other message form.
Apart from anything else emails are admissible as evidence in law.
I would speak to a solicitor and Women's aid. He's continuing emotional abuse and it all rings alarm bells.

It sounds like you don't have a good solicitor. Having a good solicitor is really important. Find one you trust.

Secondly, arranging week by week what will happen is wrong. You need a consistent schedule that means you don't have to communicate all the time. Get a plan together for all the school holidays and for term time.

He should never get to enter your house.

If it were to go to court, based on what you've said I would say that, unfortunately, he would probably get overnights.

His work pattern changes all the time and is all over the country and abroad so we have to sort it week to week. I think the solicitor just wanted to make it clear of the costs so that puts an injunction out of the question and I don’t think he’s done enough to call the police.
It’s horrible thinking of sending my son to him all night when he will just be telling him rubbish and doesnt put him first at all.

Please do call the police. The hundreds of unwanted messages and phone calls are harassment and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Ring 101 (non emergency) to log it - that way if it continues you already have a record. Don't wait a month, especially with the threats!

I'm sorry you're going through this

To prevnet him grabbing phone/keys etc perhaps put them away before you open the door to him. Alternatively when he is due wait outside with your DS so he can't get in to the house and you are in a public place.

If he asks to use the loo direct him to the nearest local one!

OP, have a read of the info on this link. You can seek a non-mol order without legal representation.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/your-court-hearing

You can but its still 1400 quid if you have to pay, and also not nec granted on the day unless extreme violence. You then end up with a court date asap and have to go to court and again without legal rep can be tricky with someone who is coercive and controlling and angry.

Please report to the police, they can refer you to local dv services who can help with injunction.

You can stop contact or insist on supervised contact if he is being an arse like this. It would then be down to him to go to court and get a contact order, which you can oppose.
You can represent yourself in court and explain why you are asking for contact to be restricted, but he may get an order for contact.
Keep a diary of events.
As other posters have said he is harassing you, which is a police matter.
Is there a family member who could supervise contact/ do the handovers/ be there as a witness?

Thanks for the advice. I’m going to do the handover outside and definitely not letting him in and just keep records of everything for now. He’s back to being really sorry and it’s all his fault at the minute but it wont last. Sticking to just daytime visits for now though and if I get anything more than threats will go to the police.

I don’t have anyone I could ask to be there everytime he picks up and drops off but will see what I can do

Contact the police. Even with sporadic threats they will take it seriously if you show them the messages he has been sending you.

Please do contact the police. I've had family go through this and also family who work in police units assigned to domestic abuse. They should take any level of threat or harassment seriously.

Document it, dates, times, details. Keep all the messages as evidence. Go to the police and tell your solicitor.

Lovely... you don't have to ask the same person every time but I am sure there are people who would help. Are there any people who have asked you how you are since the break up and if there is anything they can do? Just say yes... could you come on Tuesday and be with me when STBXH comes over. I don't want to explain but it would mean a lot if you could. Alternate the people you ask until you feel safe again.