About ex and new partners set up

[Mar1984]

So my ex H and I have 2 DS together they are 8 and 6, he has them every other weekend for 2 nights and had them the first 2 weeks of summer holidays. Ex had a 1 bed flat and the boys slept on sofa bed and pull out bed as he tried them on the double sofa bed and it didn’t go well.
Well according to me boys he has moved in with his latest gf (3rd in a year). I have never meet this woman and have no idea where she lives apart from the 8 year old telling me it takes half hour to get to her house. She has her own 2 DC and they have a room eac in her 3 bed house. My boys are upset (mostly the 6year old) that they have to share a pull out camp bed at this house because there is no space for them.
AIBU to think a) I have a right to know where my children are and if you are moving in with a GF you should at least tell me
B) if you are moving in with someone you should make more effort for your children to have somewhere to sleep. DS 6 is adamant he doesn’t want to go anymore and hates sharing a small camp bed with his brother as he keeps him awake (I admit this isn’t helped by the 2 weeks with his dad as he was refused to call me and he is a mummy’s boy). I really don’t want to argue with my ex as it doesn’t get me anywhere but feel this isn’t right

From a decent person point of view, yes of course you want to protect your DC from a stream of women marching in and out of their lives and of course you want to make sure their comfortable and happy when they're not with you so YANBU. However I have no idea what you can do legally - hopefully someone with more knowledge will be along soon.

Your ex should be sorting out somewhere for the boys to stay, however if he is moving into his new partner's home and It's her name, her children's main home etc then I entirely understand why she wouldn't want to disrupt her children's arrangements for the sake of 4 days a month.

It's a tricky one because if they've not been together that long then I'm also erring towards agreeing with the girlfriend about sleeping arrangements for the children. The problem is that keeping the existing set up makes your children not want to go and feel second best, but changing to give her kids1 room and yours 1 room probably creates a whole load of resentment and conflict. They probably should have spent time getting to know each other before bringing partners into children's lives

Call me cynical but has your ex seen a potential cocklodging situation here?

Yes it’s totally a cocklodging situation he got an inheritance soon after we split and admired months ago he had spent it and he earns rubbish money so would never be able to afford the fancy flat.
I don’t expect her kids to give up there rooms for 4 nights a month I was thinking more her son (9) has the biggest room ( currently box room) and they put a bunk bed in it and then mine have a bunk in for mine and bed for him and if not enough room one of mine in a bunk and the other on the pull out bed. I am not expecting hers to go without for mine just a bit more though into my boys

Being happy for your kids to sleep on a camp bed on a regular basis (I'm presuming he's in at least a double with the ex at those times) is fucking woeful parenting. Actually, having them on a sofa bed and pull out bed at his is pretty shit parenting too. He sounds awful. Totally agree with you, OP.

They can’t share a camp bed - that’s insane. Tell your ex until they have a bed each they’re not returning. A camp bed each would be far from ideal but tolerable.

The mess is completely your ex's fault.

Why should the gf's children be forced to share with strange children?

If your ex had any common sense he would have got the children to mix for a few months to see how they got on and taken them to his home to sleep, before working out sleeping arrangements. It maybe that only one of the boys can share with the gf's son due to personalities/behaviour/whatever.

Anyway as a PP said he needs to get them two camp beds in this situation.

slightly off topic but with his track record it doesn't sound like he'll be with her very long anyway. - not that helps your ds.
why are some people so selfish that they only only seem think about a sex life before their dc ? what was the rush to meet the new gf ? or is is trying to show what a wonderful dad he supposedly is, 'MY sons, blah,blah' ?

Ideally your ex would make appropriate arrangements, but I'm afraid, he's moved into someone elses house and no, her children should not have their home life disrupted because their mothers latest BF is dragging his kids along to play happy families. That's their room, their private space and they shouldn't be forced to share.

You can't control what happens when the boys are with their father just like he can't control them when they are with you.
For those of you who are horrified at the thought of brothers sharing a bed a couple of nights a week, get a grip!
Where I teach, we have many families who have to share beds as they are in b+b accommodation, or classed as homeless, or in private rented with a parent who cannot afford the luxury of separate beds, let alone bedrooms for their children.
It's so easy for the parent who has the family home to criticise the parent who ends up in flats, living with parents, sharing with friends due to financial constraints. What SHOULD be important is that these boys enjoy spending time with BOTH parents at each of their houses. You a,ready said that one of the boys was a 'mummy's boy'. Actually, that's not something to be proud of!

It doesn't sound as though either of them have considered their respective children.

Does your ex have family that he and your children could stay with on his weekends?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell your ex that the children aren't happy and don't want to go. He will know that it must have come from the children as he hasn't told you!

Sorry, but if my new partner was insisting that my children had to have their beds taken away and have bunk beds instead, that new partner would be told where to go.

However, you aren't being unreasonable in wanting to know where your children are.

Professor if she wasn’t willing to accommodate his children for 4 nights a month surely she shouldn’t of had him move in, and if he hasn’t raised them as a concern to make sure they are comfortable he can’t expect them to continue going long term.
I have no shame in admitting he is a mummy’s boys as his dad was all about the older boy when the younger was born with a serious heart condition as he ‘couldn’t deal with the stress’ so I did everything, and I mean everything so he never saw his dads favour to his brother sadly in later life he has seen it now which hasn’t helped- so I will pass no apologies for that!!!

I appreciate the whole scenario isn’t great, but the boys main problem here seems to be the fact that they’re sharing the camp bed? You said that in dads old flat they didn’t like sharing the sofa bed so they then slept on a sofa bed and a camp bed.

Get your ex to buy another small camp bed. Obviously that’s not going to make everything perfect but it sounds like I would make the boys happier at this point.

www.argos.co.uk/product/3916146?storeID=4362&cmpid=GS001&_$ja=tsid:59157%7Cacid:480-316-7430%7Ccid:596199545%7Cagid:30099167553%7Ctid:aud-144400486596:pla-207383304033%7Ccrid:94120816353%7Cnw:g%7Crnd:360975716557015814%7Cdvc:m%7Cadp:1o1%7Cmt:%7Cloc:1007336&gclid=CjwKCAjwhqXbBRAREiwAucoo--kVmSyvKAf13NYNGwOoudvMzzk8vUqN1c3qAi1gfeJ7IPqvT0h9AhoCzzgQAvD_BwE

1. You don't have the right to know that he's moved in with a gf and what her address is unless he was taking them overseas.

1. Wanting to talk to RP during a 2 week stay with the NRP doesn't make a mummy's boy. It's totally normal and Dad should have allowed him to call you if he wanted.

1. I understand why the gf is not ready to fork out for bunk beds. These should be paid for by your ex after the kids had spent time together. Your ex doesn't have a great track record with gf so it might be temporary?

I think it’s reasonable to insist on separate beds especially if it’s already established they sleep badly when sharing. I take what a pp said on board about lots of kids share beds in tough situations but let’s be honest - if my ex were homeless or in a shelter or simply had unsuitable accommodation the children wouldn’t stay with them.

You a,ready said that one of the boys was a 'mummy's boy'. Actually, that's not something to be proud of!

Wow. It is entirely normal that children of separated parents form a stronger attachment to their primary care giver. In fact it is entirely normal that children of non- separated parents have a stronger attachment to their primary care giver.

@ohreallyohreally different children prefer different parents regardless of how much care they give. I use to and still find it amusing to see which child a parent runs to when they are upset or want something done, and it isn't always the one you think is the primary caregiver.

My kids wouldn't be going. Let him take you to court and he can explain the woeful arrangements he's made.

I think my issue with not knowing where they are is when I meet my partner I told ex before he ever meet our children and my ex insisted on going for a coffee with him (and a bloody DBS check) as I felt it important as a parent who he knows his children are going to spending time with and so did he when it was my partner

It’s not ideal for them but then neither was a 1 bed flat either.
It’s her and her children’s home and they shouldn’t have to now share especially if they are resident children. Your ex is the one at fault for never providing a home big enough for them, and it shouldn’t be children who are completely unrelated to him who have to make compromises for his decisions.

He needs to move out and find a 2 bed flat/house.

How did your ex organise a DBS check on your partner? If he organises those checks as part of his job then he’s completely breached so many rules and regs he’d be in a world of trouble.

Professor if she wasn’t willing to accommodate his children for 4 nights a month surely she shouldn’t of had him move in

Why are you blaming her, not him? It was his choice to move in, and HE should be the one to ensure his children have suitable accommodation, not her.

OP YANBU but not sure there is much you can do. If your youngest doesn't want to go, don't make him. Email his DF:

Dear ex

DS6 has expressed genuine unhappiness at your new living arrangements. His main concern is the sleeping arrangements, in that he is expected to share a pull out camp bed with his older brother. He feels acutely that you don't value him and that he cannot sleep properly whilst cramped up to his brother like this. As you acknowledged previously, sharing a double sofa bed did not work out well for the boys so I'm sure you can see why sharing a small camp bed is not going to work out either.

This is so upsetting for DS6 that he no longer wishes to come and stay. Please let me know when you have sorted out sleeping arrangements for the boys and what they are so that I can reassure DS6 and he can continue his visits to see you.

On a different note, you will remember, I'm sure, how important it was to you to know who my DP was and to meet him when he moved in with us. I respect you as the boys' father and did everything I could to show that, by facilitating you two meeting and giving reassurance to you about who our sons would be living with. Please also remember that, just as you are their father, I am their mother and have just the same concerns as you about who they may be spending time with. It would have been good to know that you were moving in with a new GF and at least where the boys would be on a regular basis during your contact time. I will continue to act respectfully towards you as their other parent and would ask that you do the same for me, so that we can co-parent effectively to the best of our ability to benefit our boys. I have no intention of interferring with your contact time in any way and just ask that you keep me informed about where they are regularly based and who they are regularly in contact with.

Please let me know as soon as a bed for DS6 is arranged, so that contact visits can continue uninterrupted.

Thanks

Mar

Insist on meeting the gf then and a dbs check. It's no different, if he can demand such things so can you.

And he needs to sort beds for the boys not the gf. They aren't her kids. He should buy some camp beds for them so they don't have to share.