To be dreading going back to work?

[MrSpock]

Pregnant with twins. Been off for three weeks due to severe HG which luckily is stopping now. However I have ligament pain so severe I can barely stand, exhaustion so severe I fall asleep in the day, and just generally feel unwell. My pregnancy is high risk for numerous reasons which makes me nervous.

To top it off, work burns me out generally. I have aspergers and ADHD, and generally work makes me exhausted and depressed. I can’t explain it other than it uses all my energy and I end up a shell of myself, unable to function and just fall asleep as soon as I come home.

However...there’s nothing horrible about my job. Colleagues are nice, office is nice, decent hours and nothing too difficult.

Why am I feeling so shitty about it? I can’t have more time off as I don’t have much sick pay. I started this job pregnant so won’t even get SMP. :(

How many weeks are you? Do you have much support at home? Time to put yourself and your twins first. Don’t do anything that makes you ill.

17 weeks so I can’t take maternity leave yet. I do have support but DP works shifts and is currently dealing with issues with his regular medication (his dose has stopped working but the higher dose gives him severe nausea and headaches, so he’s going to have to change drugs).

I’m also sitting here crying at the thought of leaving DS1. He goes to nursery twice a week so it’s not that I make him clingy to me or anything, but both he and I have enjoyed having him around in the day. He spends the other three days at my mums when I work, and he loves that too, but we all notice he is much better behaved when I’m here in the day and I miss him so much when I work. I’ve never worked full time since his birth save for eight weeks once, and I hate it.

I have to go to a keeping in touch meeting today and I don’t want to. I’d rather hide :(

Unfortunately, working for money to support our children is a fact of life for many adults.

Most of us would rather not.

I don’t think most adults end up feeling like I do though. Most don’t like working but I actually feel drained by it. I have no time for my family because all I can do is sleep, and I fall into a depression. It happens no matter what the job is, and was the same before I was a parent. It just seems to suck the soul out of me.

It doesn't sound as though you have much choice.
But be honest when you go to your meeting today - see if there are any support strategies your employer can offer.
Get a calendar to tick off the days until your mat leave starts - very motivating!
Would it be feasible for your mum to have DS overnight once a week (coincide with the days she does childcare) so that you can get a solid rest night? It's asking a lot of her, but it may be something she cam do.
Forget all chores apart from the essentials. Don't dust (unless allergies are an issue), don't vacuum, easy meals, online shop etc.
Are there any other family that can help for a couple of hours a week?
It sounds really tough, I don't envy you.

She already does that, which is really helpful. My mum is an absolute saint, we live on joining roads and so she’s always helping me.

I’m going to see if they’ll let me massively reduce my hours. I’m supposed to have already left and I’m still in my house. Anxiety isn’t fun.

Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me?

You're physically unwell, and on top of that you're living with ASD and everything that goes with it. The interplay between mental and physical health is massive, it's no wonder you're struggling so much. Your feelings are entirely valid.

Reducing your hours sounds like a good option. Can you manage financially if you do this? Have you looked into what other financial support may be available?

At the risk of sounding harsh, how are you planning on looking after twins when they arrive if a day at work leaves you feeling so wiped out? I’m currently on maternity leave from my job, working is a doddle compared to looking after a baby all day. And I only have one!

If you’re really struggling with going to work, is it possible to NOT work? Can your DP support the family financially on his wage? Unfortunately if you are in paid employment and you want to continue in that paid employment you do need to go into work.

If I reduce my hours, we become eligible for working tax credits which we currently are not eligible for, so we won’t lose much money. We won’t be rich but we won’t struggle, I just hate the application process.

I should technically be eligible for PIP. I used to get DLA but when it changed over, they were very prejudiced in my assessment and basically said because I wear makeup and am articulate I’m fine (lots of autistic people look “normal”...).

Getting weirdly, looking after my DS1 doesn’t leave me anywhere near as exhausted as work does. I love being at home, taking him to groups, baking with him, taking him on days out and stuff. It feels energising rather than exhaustaing? I have no idea why. I think probably because I’m in control and don’t feel chained to a building, so I know if I feel overwhelmed I can just leave, and then I feel safer.

So I’m not overly worried about looking after the twins. DS1 has additional needs too so isn’t an “easy” child, so I figure I’m quite used to handling difficult situations with children.

After my maternity leave it’s something we’re considering as DP is expecting a promotion soon. I can’t do it yet, but in the future it’s something I’d like to do because I love being a SAHP.

" I love being a SAHP."

What does your husband think about this? Would he like to work away less and spend time at home baking and playing and going on days out?

What does your husband think about this? Would he like to work away less and spend time at home baking and playing and going on days out?

He’s always said he’s happy for me to work less hours and spend more time at home. I’m sure in an ideal world he’d love to work less too, however he wants a career and wants to advance. He’s looking at doing a masters part time, and has aspirations far beyond mine. It doesn’t make sense for both of us to chase careers when we don’t need to and one of us doesn’t want to.

I know you said you don't want to chase a career and your husband does, but what if your relationship breaks down or something happens to him? It's always good to have your own career to fall back on. Reduced hours might be a good idea for now as you sound overwhelmed but don't pack work in all together if possible. Maybe a career change in the future as you shouldn't dislike working so much, it's not good for your mental health.

I’ve reduced my hours which helps. My job is actually really nice so it’s not that it’s unpleasant, it’s just that something sets off my anxiety and makes me feel drained. I spoke to my mum about it today and she said she feels exactly the same and it’s the reason she only ever worked part time.

I doubt we will split up. I know everyone says that but we are both very committed to each other. We have the sin of joint bank accounts and joint finances anyway!

I sympathise with you a lot, and felt drained by work myself even without having any illnesses. I also had a nice job (best possible, given my interests), easy cheap commute, decent colleagues (apart from some I had to manage), generous annual leave allowance. Yet. After each 3 months (of full time) I felt mentally ill and in desperate need of weeks holiday; to the point of feeling apathy, could hardly move, bumped into people and even talking was hard (you know this feeling, when words fall dead out of the mouth and you think "what's the point of talking?").

You are pregnant with twins, so you'll be off work for a while I imagine, and that will be your escape. I hope it will work out with your DP, so you could work less or stop altogether, and that your man is supportive enough to understand that it something harms you that much, it;s best not to expect you to carry on.

After each 3 months (of full time) I felt mentally ill and in desperate need of weeks holiday; to the point of feeling apathy, could hardly move, bumped into people and even talking was hard (you know this feeling, when words fall dead out of the mouth and you think "what's the point of talking?").

This is exactly how I feel. It just drains me. I’ve reduced my hours massively now so that should help.

I’m very lucky in that DP supports me wanting to do very part time/eventually give up. He likes the idea of one is a SAHP and as he wants a career he’s very happy that I prefer to be at home.

I'm sure this is going to sound unsympathetic but what you describe does not sound so far outside the realm of the normal to me. Feeling drained whilst working and pregnant? Yes, said every pregnant woman ever. Feeling generally burnt out, exhausted, lacking time to spend with your family? Nothing crazy unusual there either. Wishing you could spend more time with young dc and feeling sad when this seems impossible? Most working parents experience this.

If your family finances can afford you to reduce hours or stay at home permanently then it sounds like you'd be a good candidate for sah motherhood. However, I'm not sure it's right to expect the taxpayer to support your desire to attend toddler groups and bake biscuits rather than earn a living. Like a pp said, working for money to support oneself and ones family is a reality for the majority and you are included in that. You have my sympathies however, working through pregnancy is tough.

I'm not sure it's right to expect the taxpayer to support your desire to attend toddler groups and bake biscuits rather than earn a living

*Mollywobbles82 - when I worked I was the kind of taxpayer who'd be happy if my taxes went on something like that. Or on benefits to whoever needs them. What I, as a taxpayer, absolutely hated is the wealthy swine - big corporations, making millions for their CEOs - paying zilch tax. That made my blood boil, and still does. (off topic, I know, but still)

I also noticed a strange thing: when SAH mums post here, no one so far asked "er, aren't you afraid your husband will leave you?" or "maybe better earn something, just in case" and everyone is very sympathetic and comradely, doesn't question their choice. This OP wants to be SATP - and people warn her of potential problems of losing financial independence. She says, basically, she hates working - but everyone is like, ho hum, that's life, you can't sit on ya bum sweetly while we all struggle.

Why, I wonder? Is it because she hit a raw nerve - how much we all (exceptions, of course) detest work? and envy those who don't? Enlighten me.

I actually mentioned how sad I think it is that most of us don’t get a choice to be SAHP or not and got quite a lot of what seemed to be defensive comments from WOHP about how they love their jobs and think SAHP would be boring.

Which is fine, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it. I just feel sorry for others who may feel like I do but don’t have the choice to go PT or be a SAHP.

I don’t think everyone has an issue with SAHPs - personally I think if it works for both parents for one to not work, and the one in work earns enough to support the family then happy days. Now I’m off with a baby I actually have more respect for SAHPs - I miss going to work and having some adult interaction and feeling like I’ve achieved something each day, rather than just got a bit of housework done and kept my daughter alive!

Honestly? OP I think you should pack in work. That would be best for you, best for your family and best for your employer. I’m sure your workplace employed you thinking you would be going into work long term, not be there for a couple of months, go off sick, come back on less hours and be going off for another year on maternity soon.

My employers have been really nice about it but I do think they probably privately are irritated by it. They’ve been very supportive, which does help as I’ve worked in unsupportive places before and that makes it 10x worse,

I thînk you need to admit to yourself that you just don't want a job away from the home. That's why you feel so drained after work. It's exhausting doing something you don't want to do. You're not unfit for work, you just don't want to do it.
If you're able to not work financially then that's your choice. When you have your babies you'll be off work, and may not actually be able TLR afford childcare after, therefore won't go back for some time. I suggest you stop work now as you do have some physical reasons not to be able to do so linked to your pregnancy. You've said you won't get SMP, so it's no loss financially. You cannot expect your employer to pay you just because you don't like working, neither can you expect to be in receipt of PIP automatically. You've proved that you are able to work when not pregnant and that's great. PIP is for people who are unable to work in any circumstances.
Not wanting to work isn't an illness or a disability.