AIBU to cut off my mother for a while (TW abuse)

[JeanShrimpton]

This is my first post, and I'm hoping for some advice - you seem like a friendly bunch :)

I was sexually abused by a teacher for a few years while I was at primary school. Never told anyone until a year or so ago (now am 23), and only told my mum this year.

I've always felt a little bitter towards her in this regard because she was a social worker at the time (and still is) and tbh I think she should have noticed. Having said that she has told me that she noticed something had changed in me around that time, but obviously didnt bother to take it any further. When i told her about it earlier this year she told me she wasnt suprised, and kind of tried to blame my dad who wanted to send me to that particular school.

So on Thursday, she called me while I was at work, telling me it was urgent that she needed to speak to me. I took the call, and she was at a Christian Camp type place, where she had told people (without my permission) about my experiences, and they had told her that she had a duty to report it, as she knows who the abuser was. This phone call was basically her telling me if I didnt report it soon then she would have to, which I dont think is fair. She also told me that its really hard for her to deal with the stuff that happened, as she sees the same sort of thing every day in her line of work. The reason she gave for telling other people about it without telling me is that I had told people (her, my dad, dp), and that she thought it would be ok to tell them because I had (which i think is nutty). The conversation ended with her crying and me trying to reassure her that everything is going to be ok and i didnt mind her sharing my story.

I've spent the last however many years on antidepressants and medication for ptsd and trying to sort out everything that happened in my head. My dad and a few counsellors I have seen have stressed the importance of me now being in control of what happens - choosing what to do about it, and I kind of feel like she's taking control away from me and putting me back in the victim hole.

I don't really want to talk to her at the moment but she is my mum. if i stop messaging her or speaking on the phone i just know she'll turn up on the doorstep and cry and i'll end up having to look after her.

Any advice welcome - and on the plus side i have the most supportive MIL in the world :)

Hi, Didn't want to read and run. I understand about your mum. My mum was emotionally, physically and mentally abusive to me as a child. However, she changed when I grew up. I have confronted her once about what happened. However, I now don't because like you, I'm scared of upsetting her! It's like you have to protect them isn't it? The roles reverse and you become the parent. You worry about upsetting them.
I don't know what the answer is, or how I can help, but I thought you'd like to know someone else (Hopefully) understands.
I'm sorry you went through what you did, and really wish you well on your road to recovery.

Hey,

So I have actually cut my mother out of my life completely. She is an alcoholic and when I was growing up she knew her partner (who isn't my father) was physically/mentally abusive to me. I have never forgiven her for putting me in that danger.
Now as a mum to be I could never imagine putting my child in such dangerous circumstances and I am very lucky to be with a man who is kind, caring, loving and respectful to me. I can't wait to add to our little family.

My advice is don't let her push you into anything you don't want. My mother tried it for years and I'm glad of not following her advice. Take a breath and tell her it's your choice as an adult now. She had her chance to protect you and in my opinion failed when she noticed a change in your behaviour at a young age. When you did tell her she first tried to lay the blame at someone else's door. This is now her trying to fix it. It's up to you to fix it.

If the person who did it to you is still in a position of power over children then something has to be done but not at your mothers whim.

You absolutely have to do what's right for you, not your dm. By crying she is putting all the emotional responsibility on you and basically preventing you from expressing your feelings.

It is not hers to share, nor should she be leaning on you for emotional support.

In your situation I would tell her that her actions have upset you and you don't feel strong enough to support her. If she comes round crying, advise her to seek professional support via counselling and turn her away.

I have a mother who places her own needs so far above everyone else's, that she is unable to support me through anything. On the times when I have been in need, she goes out of her way to actually make my life harder.

I think you have enough to deal with and I would encourage you to ignore and push away your mother as much as you feel strong enough to do.

"I don't really want to talk to her at the moment but she is my mum. if i stop messaging her or speaking on the phone i just know she'll turn up on the doorstep and cry and i'll end up having to look after her."

I'll apologise in advance, because this is going to sound harsh.

So what if she is your mum? That doesn't mean you owe her ANYTHING. If you think you owe this self-absorbed neglectful manipulative woman anything, it is because she has groomed you to think that way. You are in FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. She let you down then and she's letting you down now. She's showing no concern for your needs or your feelings, instead trying to make it all about her, her, her.

I would suggest one, and only one message, asking her to back off and give you space. Maybe along the lines of

"Mum, I need space from you right now, your reaction was upsetting to me. I need to take care of myself right now, and I can't do that if you put me into the position where I have to take care of you. Please be kind to me and give me some time to come to terms with the past. I will contact you when I am strong enough to withstand your behaviour."

And then cut her off. Block her from your phone and ask your husband to answer the door in case it's her, and to turn her away when it is. Firmly. You are perfectly entitled to cut her off permanently, let alone temporarily. She sounds the type who will not listen, and will undoubtedly try to force herself into your life. Ask those around you (husband, MIL, etc) for their help in protecting yourself from her. She is ghastly.