Parents of young adults AIBU

[CesiraAndEnrico]

To ask for your MN top tips, hints and "age & stage" advice ?

My boy turns 18 at 6am tomorrow morning.

It has occurred to me that I bought and devoured "how to wrangle your offspring" books for babyhood, toddlerhood, tween and teen... but somehow forgot that this bit was coming and it will likely have challenges of its own. In fact I suspect there are probably more changes up ahead in this stage than all the rest combined.

Any heads ups for those of us with freshly minted adults as we wander into a new era without a clue ?

Preparing for future empty nest syndrome advice also welcome.

I'm deciding if 18 is as bad/worse/or better than teens/tots/babies and the jury still out............ no-one but no-one has written a manual correctly for any stage, its all an emotional rollercoaster

It is that.

I think things have got easier in many ways. But the stakes feel so much higher.

I’ve just said on another thread I found 18+ the hardest part of parenting.

I’d just suggest keeping lines of communication open, remind them how much you love them and you are always there for them , whatever the problem is you will help any way you can.

I may just have had it easy but I don't see why you need to make it an issue?

Try to remember how you felt at that age and work from there. I do it with my older DDs and it seems to be working.

Somehow you have to show that you are always 100% confident they can do it (whatever it is) all on their own, while at the same time being ready to give down to earth advise if they hint they need it. And sometimes a hug and a hanky. And then plenty of laughs.

My son is only a year older and my daughter isn't 18 yet so I don't have a huge amount of experience but I have found the older teen years to be easier when I am honest with them. When I tell them that it is a tricky stage of parenting for me because I want to let them be their own people but I want to look out for them too. I tell them my gut instinct about a situation and ask them what they think of that and we discuss it together. It is kind of a team effort.

Depending on where you live, you may have your DS around for many years to come. Where I live even rents are so high both of mine are still at home in their twenties, though I'm not complaining. I'm dreading the empty nest stage.

The issues that arise concern relationships, friendships, uni if he's going, other courses if he's not, work - all the problems that can come with any of these.

I think perhaps it depends on how you found the teens. It was one of my favourite ages for DC, so I've mostly enjoyed their twenties. If you found the teens ran reasonably smoothly the next stage is much the same, though obviously they're maturing all the time.

I remember the morning my younger DC was 18 thinking that I'd got them safely through to adulthood. A lovely feeling.

Dh and I have done practical things to help our now 21 year old - like checking rental agreements for housing, helping sort budgets - things that gently ease them into adulthood.
I'd say, make their girlfriends feel welcome in your home, so they still feel comfortable and want to be there. Having their gfs stay over took some getting used to but it's nice that my kids still like coming home.
We did/will do things like taking them food shopping when students, taking them out for dinner.
I text mine regularly just to check in and say hi. Be there for them, but not too there iykwim.
What I haven't done and should have, is given them more responsibility at home. Will change that as current teens become adults but dc1, at 21 is a bit lazy at times, domestically. It took me a while to adapt to them not being a little child.
Be patient when they are being a smart arse know it all. I struggle with that bit too.

Hello my dd also turns 18 tomorrow . She has just informed me that as she will be an adult she can do exactly what she wants!! My response was, you do that anyway! She’s a good kid, works hard - full time internship for s year, independent, drives, own car etc I am not invisaging much changing to be honest, well I hope not! HBD to your ds and happy ‘I’ve got an adult’ day to you

I just remember rejoicing that I wouldn't have to be present every time they got arrested

Oh this is nice. It all sounds really positive. Not at all like the war stories at the other stages. I was rather bracing myself for Armageddon when he turned 3 and 13 after what I'd heard.

And happy to hear mostly smooth teens is a good predictor of more of the same.

itbemay And a happy I've got an adult day to you too. 😘😘 I'd raise a glass to us both. But the last time I did that I got pregnant. Haven't risked it since

I have a 20 year old and a 18 year old and frankly I love them this age.

They are responsible and Sensible. yet silly emotional and caring too.

I had moved out from my mothers house at age 18 so I have not had any sensation of what it was like when i was that age. However I completely adore the adult children dh and I have aided to shape and love spending time with them.

but I don't see why you need to make it an issue?

This is the bit where I have a missing chunk of personal experience from the child side.

The rest I had a sort of roadmap. I could remember what it felt like from the child side and do some things like mum and dad did, with modernising tweaks and some things were a definite "do that bit completely differently".

But due to circumstances they either weren't in my orbit at all, or were unable to continue parenting beyond 16 years old, which is when I became an independent young adult.

So it is unknown terrain. And I don't want to sleepwalk into my mindset as a parent suffering from a kind of arrested development and getting stuck at this point just because that is where my map stops. IYSWIM.

Plus, you never know, there may be some great tips to help me make sure I don't accidentally become a MIL featured in a thread on here some day.

When I was 18 I moved continents, got pregnant/married and, switched university courses quite suddenly. Easy peasy

I want to add, keep an eye on their mental health. They can still be very up and down, emotionally, as young adults and seemingly little things can have a huge impact on them.

There’s a lot of talk on mn about 18 year olds being adults who should be expected to be fully independent and mature. Well obviously they are technically adults but actually they are precisely as mature and independent as they were last week.

I’ve tried to prepare them for adulthood with some success and also having still provided a lot of support. Both went to uni and needed our support, though much less than some students I know.

After uni one lived at home for a few more years and the other went to a house share. When they live at home it’s virtually inevitable that they slip back into teen mode even now in their mid twenties. In their independent lives I guess they do do some housework and know how to cook and clean...

Knowing when to get involved and when to keep your distance is sometimes tricky to navigate especially once partners are involved. They often need financial support well past uni and that can, ironically, lead to resentment.

Overall it’s been great. Interesting, liberating from school runs and endless cooking and laundry. DH and I are completely used to our empty nest and love it. And of course, there’s no satisfaction like it when you see your fully fledged child out there doing well. However when they are in a difficult place it’s harder than in childhood as there tend to be less ready solutions.

Enjoy, it’s fab having young adults around. Just not all the time.

Iwanna Matilda

Thank you. I agree that there is a tendency on MN to frame 18+ as adult, in every sense of the word right after the candles are blown out. But I'm more inclined to see an interim period between late teens and early 20 where they are adults with training wheel who might fall over emotionally or practically if said stabilisers get whipped off too soon.

In other news. He has devoured most of his cake already. It is like trying to keep a plague of locusts fed in this house.

I read somewhere that neuroscience now says the brain doesn't reach adulthood until you're 25, which sounds about right. Boys take longer than girls, as I recall.

Seems terrible that so many people have to be entirely self reliant at 18.

My DS2's girlfriend had to leave her family home at 16 because of DV and EA. She's been with us ever since. I'm so proud of her and all she's achieved, basically single handed. But it shouldn't have been like that.

My DS2's girlfriend had to leave her family home at 16 because of DV and EA. She's been with us ever since. I'm so proud of her and all she's achieved, basically single handed. But it shouldn't have been like that.

Bless a million time you for that.

Being thrust into the world as an independent human at 16 was much more than I could handle, even if setting aside the emotional issues connected to the cause. And I think I sort of got stuck as a result. So rather than growing up fast, I ended up in an extended state of arrested development.

An adult plucking me out of that would have made for a very different personal history. So again, bless you and then some.

I've ds 20 and dd 16. I would say just take the lead from them. Let them live their lives and make their own decisions letting them know you're always there to help and advise if they want.
I love my kids being this age, it's so great to see the wonderful adults they've become. I'm lucky in that ds still values my opinion and will ask for advice.
And as a pp said I let ds's girlfriend stay over and accept her into our family and home. Although that gave me a sleepless night last night as she fainted in the bathroom at 1am. She was alright once recovered but I couldn't sleep then worrying if she was ok. Almost like having another child to worry about!

My 3 have matured into sensible and pretty awesome adults, even if I do say so myself! They still prefer me to do things for them, especially the youngest (who is only just 18 so forgiven!) and love coming home from college/uni/work as they think I will feed and clothe them like I did when they were kids! that only goes so far.

The hardest bit I've found is when they come home from college/uni they expect to be waited on as they've had to do their own washing, cooking, shopping etc whilst I'm looking forward to them doing some cooking and cleaning for me! I do usually set ground rules although mainly around washing and tidying up the kitchen but thats gone out the window this summer as two of the three are injured and lacking full use of all 4 limbs. Its amazing how incapacitated this makes them for helping out

The best bit is sharing a glass of something with them and having a sensible conversation during dinner. Oh and the hugs - which are way more plentiful these days

Great idea for a thread op.

We have 5 kids ranging from 28 to 19.. I love it. Youngest 2 moved back in after uni and youngest going to live at home for her uni.

We talk politics, religion, watch box sets go for pub lunches and the inexplicable joy of your adult dd buying you a cocktail after shopping! 😂 me and dh can go away for weekends as there’s always an adult to watch the dogs.

The older ones are married with kids so that’s a whole new adventure. Watching your kids as parents and hearing them say the same things you did to them

We all have our own chores, I am no slave so I do the washing and ironing, ds 3 does all the prep and cooking and ds4 the shopping while dd cleans.

I do feel a pang when I watch our home movies of when they were kids but overall it’s more fun now as they are all so different and exciting people.

Thank you for saying that, CesiraAndEnrico. Tbh, it's been a privilege. It's just over 6 years since she moved in. When I look back I can't believe it's been so long. It's worked because she's a lovely girl and because her relationship with DS2 is so stable. They're both very rational people. She's doing her MSc now - her DF was insisting she left school at 16.

I remember a few months after she moved in she told me that for weeks she kept waiting for the 'act' to drop. At home there would be a big row every day and at least once a week her DM would be crying her heart out. Eventually she realised we didn't live like that and that there was no 'act'. It's done a lot to repair the damage her DPs did.