To think this is all a bit too much and want to rant

[KatieSE4]

Hi all, I’m new to mumsnet and joined here because I feel completely alone and want a little bit of help.
So a little bit of a backstory, my husbands DGF who he was very close to passed away not long ago and left us with a lot of money. My DH decided he didn’t want to spend the money on meaningless stuff and wanted to move away from the city and set up a better life for our kids. Of course I agreed. We decided to move over a hundred miles away from our families. Whilst in the process of this I found out I was pregnant with our fourth child. We decided to continue with our move and as I had always bounced back fairly well with our boys we believe I would with this pregnancy.
We moved down a couple of months ago, when I was 7 months pregnant. Our DS1 is starting primary this year so we got him a place in a local school and our twins who are 3 a place in a nursery nearby. My husband has a very good job down here and it means I am able to be a stay at home mum, working part time at a local shop.
But now I’m having my doubts. I gave birth to our fourth son yesterday so I’m sure I’m only feeling like this as my emotions are everywhere. But the thought of settling our three boys into school and nursery (my twins weren’t in nursery back home so this will be completely new to them), being somewhere where I have to make completely new friends and being quite far away from family is daunting!. We knew all of this when we moved and we knew it was the right thing for us but I just feel so alone. I don’t want to tell DH as I don’t want to stress him out.
On top of this my family have called me and decided to come down and visit. We have a spare room where they can stay but there’s too many people to stay in the house. I don’t want to hurt anyone by letting my mum and her partner stay in our house (as my mums the only person I want around me and my family right now) and making everyone else stay in a hotel. My DF and DSS are also bringing my young sisters. I’m also breastfeeding for the first time and although all is going well at the minute I’m very on edge as have always had a fear of breastfeeding. I also feel a bit uncomfortable having everyone around whilst I breastfeed.
I have no idea what to do. Obviously we can’t move back home, and I’m sure that the boys will settle in fine. But I don’t know how to tell my family to back off. I get they want to see DS4 but it’s just gonna make things more difficult. Especially for DS1,2 and 3 as they might feel like we don’t care about them.
Do any of you have any advice. Or just a bit of support whilst I rant.Thank you.

Sorry it’s so long!

I’m not surprised you’re overwhelmed; there’s a lot going on. I think you could tell your husband that things are getting on top of you, and suggest that you ask your family not to all come at the same time. Congratulations on the birth of your son 💐

Thank you!. Gonna talk to DH now.

I was all over the place hormone wise when pregnant and after. I was a crying mess who couldn't cope with anything. I think talk to your DH and that might help

I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want a house full of people the second you had a baby! Id just be really clear and say looking forward to seeing you all but can't host sorry, please feel welcome to stay in a nearby hotel and provide a list of nearby hotels (if that's what you want!)

If not just be honest! You have enough on your plate as it is. And congratulations!

Take each day at a time

You have a lot on your plate, and those hormones probably aren’t helping. Firstly congratulations on your new little bundle. A couple of thoughts..

1. when/if family visit, can you ask them to take your other children out for a few hours? Perhaps just leave you and your mum at home? That way your older ones will have lots of lovely attention and your mum could cuddle your newborn so you can rest. If they’re going to visit; make use of them?! And I would ask your husband to tell them they cannot stay; that is completely reasonable; I would never consider staying at the house of someone with a new baby!
2. it must be very daunting starting over in a new area. But settling your elder children at school/nursery could be a very good way to meet new people and make friends. Once you’ve found your feet, you’ll be able to invite them over for a cuppa while the big ones are at school/nursery and in time you will feel settled.

Wishing you all the best. I think the key is to try not to make any big decisions for now. Give it all lots of time before deciding if you do/don’t like it.

dear god, you gave birth yesterday, you've had to cope with a move, big family changes.. and your family are all descending on you for a visit, in your home, and you're trying to establish BFing for the first time?

You need to take a step back and put yourself and your newborn first for a while.

You need to explain to your DH how you're feeling, get him on the same page. And STOP trying to pander to your family - why on earth are you worried about annoying them by having them overspill into your new home?

You need to get them to postpone the visit or make it on your terms (and that means you're not "hosting" them - they're there to see the new house, help you out in practical terms, then go away once you're tired or needing space to BF in a calm, private environment).

You are taking on too much, my love - please put yourself & your newborn first here, everyone else can and should expect to wait for you to recover, bond, and establish normality with your new expanded family.

Why isn't your DH protecting you here?
Why is your family being so insensitive?

I'm so angry on your behalf

That’s too many people coming at once, they need to give you a little space.
With the exception of your mum can your DH have a conversation with everyone and give people a ‘slot’ explaining that you are very tired and trying to establish breastfeeding?

I think you are very articulate an coherent for someone in your situation! You have so much going on, so much to deal with .
You are well within your rights to ask people to come for short visits and only a couple of them at a time.

Congratulations
You don't have the space for more than your DM and her partner to stay and you need to tell them that ASAP. Better still, postpone the visit of the rest of the family. You and your baby and other children need time to adjust.

You have so much going on but in terms of making friends you couldn't be in a better position. I'm sure you made friends when your other babies arrived through groups etc. Nursery and especially Reception are great for meeting other mums and dads.

It sounds like you're in a hormonal panic. Get DH's support in speaking to family about your concerns.

Congratulations and good luck.

Good grief, I’m overwhelmed just reading your post!

All of those things are stressful on their own but when you add a newborn and BF to the mix, it’s just insane!!

Be kind to yourself. Talk to your DH. You need space and quiet and rest. People will understand

Ahhhh can't believe you've had time to post!

Anyone would find any one of house move, new area, new child, new jobs, new nurseries etc stressful but to do it all at once would send most people into meltdown!

I would hope your family would understand if your husband explains how overwhelmed you all are and asks them to -
Stay in a nearby hotel if they want to visit
Visit in smaller groups
Entertain your older children

I cried my eyes out after giving birth when I found some food in the fridge about to go over sell by date that I hadn't used...I have no idea how you're holding it all together!

You will find being on mumsnet helps.
Suddenly you have gossip, help advice and laughter..
Which will help till you meet real life one's.

Hi all! Thank you for your replies, they’ve made me cry knowing I’m not completely insane. I’ve talked to DH who’s called my mum and told her to come down earlier than everyone else. She’s gonna tidy the house for me and get everything sorted for when everyone visits. He then called his DF and DSM who have said they’ve already booked a hotel and are only gonna pop in when we want them to and will spend most of the few days looking around where we and going to the beach. DMIL and her partner have also booked a hotel and have said they will help out as much and they can with the kids. So it was just my hormones making everything so much worse. Only downside is DSM who has taken offence to my husband calling and not me calling myself, she just text me to say I’m running away from my problems and need to grow up and stop getting others to sort everything out for me.

That’s uncalled for. I’d reply back saying I’ve just had a baby and I’m very hormonal and stressed from major life changes, was hoping for a little understanding!

People are so selfish sometimes.

for you OP.

Only downside is DSM who has taken offence to my husband calling and not me calling myself, she just text me to say I’m running away from my problems and need to grow up and stop getting others to sort everything out for me.

OP, the only sane response to that is (honestly) to tell her to fuck off and stop making the situation about her opinion. You may want to ignore her or use DH as your shield, but for god's sake, you've just had a baby yesterday, you're in the middle of a stressful storm of changes and hormonal/physical change, she can fuck off with her judgments.

although you seem happier with the support you're getting, your family/DH/etc should never have put you in this situation. you should have been made to feel like prioritising your and your new baby's wellbeing can come first.

your needs are a higher priority than their wants. remember that. there are plenty of people who'll spend a long time trying to convince you otherwise when you're at your most vulnerable. and she sounds like one of them.

Do not text DSM back, it will allow her to have an argument with you.
Just keep letting your husband step up.
There is no harm in that. If she does comment, just tell her you thought it was easier as you felt so stressed and worried.

Hey,
I have four. When I was coming home with my fourth, I took one look at the other three and burst into tears. I just thought how the hell am I possibly going to do this! And I hadn't just moved and had family close by! I remember feeling completely overwhelmed. This hadn't happened with any of my previous babies! I think you are feeling something a bit similar. If it helps that feeling passed and I got through it! Good luck and congratulations!

I think your family are very presumptuous to "decide" to come and visit!

Visits should be by invitation, not by demand. Fair enough to say "I can't wait to come and meet the baby, please let me know when you;re feeling up to it", but not to announce that they're coming. That's just rude.

I'd let them all know that

1. you don't have room for everyone all once, and they'll have to come in dribs and drabs

1. you're trying to establish a routine with the new baby, get the oldest settled in a new school and the middle two used to nursery, and you need to get them used to all the changes before you can manage guests

1. agree to let them know when things are a bit more settled, new routines established etc and that you'll really look forward to seeing them once you've all recovered a bit from the move/birth

I moved to a new area a couple of weeks after giving birth, it was really bloody tough. But a new baby does open a lot of doors to groups of people who may become good friends. Be open with them that you are new there and you might find new friends quicker than you expect.

Ignore your DSM, she can sort herself out. Allowing your husband to help is not running away from problems!

Think about the reasons you moved. It sounds like you have moved to a place that will give your children a really fun childhood. (It isn’t Cornwall is it?) But there can be a bit of a culture shock for people who lived in cities who move to more rural places. Don’t be surprised if you feel that, and don’t get upset by it, you’ll soon adjust.

WRT breastfeeding, it is absolutely ok to put yourself and your baby first, don’t feel pressured to let people visit for long periods while you’re establishing feeding, and don’t feel like you have to pass the baby around if the baby is wanting a feed. Do what you need to look after yourself and your baby and don’t worry what other people think about it.

Thank you again everyone. My emotions are still everywhere but am able to see that I’m not crazy and how I’m feeling is completely normal. I’m actually quite excited to make friends now. Our neighbours are really nice and I’ve started making more of n effort talking to them so I don’t feel as lonely. My mums coming down today and she’s gonna sort everything out in the house for us. Regarding my step mum I called her later and just said that her text was very out of order and that I’ve got a newborn and am still trying to keep everything normal for my eldest boys so I don’t want to add any extra stress to me and that’s why DH did it. She shut up then as I have never confronted her before. Her and my dad have also booked a nearby b&b. So everyone’s sorted now.

And no it isn’t Cornwall