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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how often you doubt your parenting?

52 replies

ethelfleda · 06/08/2018 17:24

I have a 9 month old son so I know I have many more trying times ahead and that raising a teenager will be completely different but...

I worry all the time that I'm not doing enough for him. I'm still on mat leave at the moment and some days I don't find much time to play with him (in between feeding him, cleaning him, getting him to sleep etc) I feel bad if I bring him out of the house with me so I can meet a friend for coffee because that means my focus isn't 100% on him - but then I feel bad if I don't take him out because maybe he needs the stimulation. I feel bad if he is crying to be picked up and I can't do it right away. I feel as though it's my fault if he hasn't had enough sleep during the day... etc etc is it normal to doubt myself this much over every little thing??

I think most of all, I'm worried that I won't be a good enough mum to him as he is growing up and worry that any mistakes I make will have a lasting and negative impact!

OP posts:

DramaAlpaca · 06/08/2018 19:22

I doubt my parenting all the time & my DC are in their 20s now.

I've decided it means I've done a good enough job. And good enough is fine.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 06/08/2018 19:23

Oh hourly. 10, 5, 3 and 1. They seem pretty happy with me though

Believeitornot · 06/08/2018 19:28

Yes. Mine are 8&6 and I’ve worried since day 1!

Part of it because I don’t want to make the mistakes my mum did with me. And I find myself drawing upon my limited experiences of her being shit/absent and have to check myself as I don’t know what I should do. It is quite draining at times - trying to relax more.

As mine got older, if I was busy with housework etc I’d let them join in. It would slow me down but it was time spent with them and teaching them as well. It still works now - they like to help out with my chores around the house.

HolyMountain · 06/08/2018 19:29

I have three ds’s, now aged 18-23.

I never really doubted myself until the older two went to university , I was a bit of a smug twat to be honest.

That all changed at 18 and especially with regards to ds2-21, he’s had a few mental health issues and smokes like a chimney.

I worry now a lot .

lljkk · 06/08/2018 19:35

Always... but I'm used to it. I'm having more crisis of confidence with my driving right now, tbh.

gamerwidow · 06/08/2018 19:39

I think most parents have moments where they think they’re doing it all wrong. My DD is 8 and I’m always worried if I’m letting her have too much screen time or she’s not reading enough or she hasn’t had enough veg or if I’ve played with her enough. Most people are generally just muddling along without having all the answers.

Moonflower12 · 06/08/2018 19:43

Constantly! And mine are 28, 22,21 and 5!

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 06/08/2018 19:49

Some days it's all I can think about, other days I'm smugly certain that they're just wonderful people. It's a never ending cycle of phases where I think "what the actual fuck am I doing", adapt to their new behaviours and work through the phase, they grow out of it and I think "yiss, I've got it together" then a few days later some other batshit behaviour happens and blindsides me again.

As they're getting older I'm more assured in how I respond to them, though, which is a lovely feeling.

TheToldYouSoDance · 06/08/2018 19:49

Several times a day, and every time I think I might be doing something right, up pops another doubt. DS is almost 10.

rosamacrose · 06/08/2018 19:49

Ethel don't worry. Sounds like you're doing fine

Timeforanothernewone · 06/08/2018 19:51

My boys are 18m and 6m. I worry so much that the small gap is harming them. Ds1 hardly gets any adventures compared to his friends. Ds1 is also going through his typical 18m old stuff and I have no idea whether I'm handling it right. Truth is I get cross with him sometimes and he doesn't deserve that, it's not his fault I'm stretched because I stupidly conceived his brother

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 06/08/2018 19:51

Constantly! There is so much pressure on being 'Supermum'
I am sure you are a lovely Mummy and your DC is perfectly happy, healthy and feels loved.

Don't worry, when you think you have cracked it, your teen will tell you all about how you mess up, you are unfair and how no mother is as bad as you are!
Mine does...she isn't a teen yet! She is practicing to be the perfect terrible teen 😂

missyB1 · 06/08/2018 20:05

Every day, and so does Dh!

Laiste · 06/08/2018 20:10

Mine are 25, 23, 21 and 4 ... they're all doing fine ...

but I still worry every hour day. Am i being a good, mum, friend, confidant, role model, teacher, cook, ect ect ect.

TheOrigFV45 · 06/08/2018 20:14

Every day. I have a 9 and 19 yo

Tunnocks34 · 06/08/2018 20:17

Every single day. My four year old has gotten really cheeky really. For example, yesterday I asked him to tidy up toys and and he said no. Told him if they weren’t picked up by the time I came back in the room I’d be taking them away, and he told me I was ‘getting on every single one of his nerves’. He got told off but then today when I asked him to sit up properly he muttered under his breath ‘you’re just absolutely ridiculous’ again, told off as such and reminded how we speak to eachother but not sure if I should have applied some sort of punishment.

I constantly worry I’m being too soft/then too shouty. Sorry I don’t punish him properly, or then worry that I am setting my expectation of his behaviour at 4 to be too high.

I worry I don’t have enough patience to be a mum of two, worry I give both of my boys too much chocolate, That I don’t give them enough water, that I do enough educational tasks, that im not strict enough with bedtimes (anywhere between 6.39 -8), worry that people think I have naughty kids in public.

So yeah. I would probably say I judge my parenting every day.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/08/2018 20:23

Yep. I don't take them out for enough activities outside the house. Theyve never been to museums or theatre or anything cultural. We don't do enough imaginitive play. We don't practice counting enough. I should leave the house work til they're in bed. I lose my temper too easily. I don't have enough patience. I seem to over or under praise and can't get the balance right. We don't do enough together as a family. We don't have much one on one quality time either. We eat too close to their bedtimes. They have too much sugar. The TV is on too much. I should enjoy being a parent more. I shouldn't crave time alone so much. I shouldn't miss large parts of my previous children life

They seem happy enough though! I guess it's easy to overlook all the good things and the things we do well and just concentrate on the bad.

TheSheepofWallSt · 06/08/2018 20:25

At least twice a day. On a good day. And I, by all accounts, have a well behaved kid and am doing brilliantly with him. From where I’m stood it looks like a shitshow.

Parttimewasteoftime · 06/08/2018 20:32

Everyone is fed knowone is dead I repeat this daily! You doing well op be kind to yourself.

MaggieAndHopey · 06/08/2018 20:35

Rare are the days I can look back on and think 'yes, I did good parenting today'. My default setting is self-doubt and being a mother intensifies that quite a bit.

Lightsong · 06/08/2018 20:50

I doubted my parenting this morning when my 17mo asked for 'Donalds' for his breakfast. He's been to McDonald's 3 times in his life!

I constantly worry that my 9 year old DD doesn't get enough attention because her baby brother seems determined to kill himself but I try to make it up to her.

I just tell myself that I'm doing my best, and that's all we can do.

beautifultrauma · 06/08/2018 21:00

Every. Single. Day.

littlestrawby · 06/08/2018 21:13

constantly!! my daughter is 8 months and I'm always feeling guilty about not being stimulating/fun/interactive enough with her (i'm always googling 'fun games to play with 8mo'). If I catch myself sitting not chatting to her during her lunch for example (e.g. if my mind drifts off for a few minutes) I then beat myself up for ignoring her and having her sit and eat in silence for those few minutes. I worry that I don't play well enough with her and that I am therefore boring her and stunting her development, I worry that I'm not reading the right kind of books, that I'm not exposing her to enough music, that I'm not varying our play enough, that I'm not teaching her to be independent enough, that I've not tried hard enough to make her laugh many times that day, that I'm not tackling her sleeping issues in the right way...the list goes on!!!

YorkieDorkie · 06/08/2018 21:21

Literally all the time. My 2.5yo DD is having mammoth tantrums and yes I was "that non parent" who always said I'd never let me kids kick and scream like that:

What a twat.

And poor DS 4 months is totally abandoned.

whodoyoufollow · 06/08/2018 21:22

Constantly atm. My 9 year old ds has been lying non stop he thinks it's ok to because his dad does it and he's watched his dad lie to me on numerous occasions. I'm at my wits end and have no idea what to do.

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