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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask DP to marry me?

13 replies

iamabigwuss · 05/08/2018 20:45

I have been with my partner for almost 2 years. Our relationship is solid and strong, we're very much in love, and we know we want to spend our lives together. We talk a lot about things we want to do in the future- trips, buying a house, getting a pet. We have talked briefly about marriage a few times but he tends to get uncomfortable so I haven't pushed it. He wants to get married in about 4-5 years' time. We are both mid-30s now in case that is relevant. I don't want to wait that long. I want to get married next year. I want a say in my future. I can't think of any good reason to wait (I think the only reason he wants to is that he thinks you're supposed to be together for several years before getting married so that you're completely sure it's the right thing).

AIBU to ask him to compromise and marry me next year rather than wait another 5?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/08/2018 20:47

You can ask - you can't guarantee that he'll agree; and I'm not sure that objectively it seems much of a compromise on your side if he wants five years.

But talk about it, put across your side, tell him it's important to you and if you're going to go the distance, you will find something that works for you both.

downinthejunglee · 05/08/2018 20:47

YANBU to ask but he might say no if he isn't keen on the idea

WorraLiberty · 05/08/2018 20:50

I'm not sure next year is a compromise?

YANBU to ask though

I really wouldn't buy a house or do all the things you've been talking about until you do marry though, otherwise he may not see any point.

Budgiegirlbob · 05/08/2018 20:59

I would sit down and talk to him about it. Firstly, is marriage definitely on the cards? Would a reasonable compromise be getting married in 2020? Why does he want to wait so long? Are children a possibility in the future?

I think you have a lot to talk about. Personally, I would be worried that you might get another few years along with still no real commitment from your DP.

Babdoc · 05/08/2018 21:03

Call me an old cynic, but I think he’s commitment phobic and trying to put it off indefinitely. “4 or 5
years” is comfortingly far away - he has effectively punted the marriage into the long grass.
If he really wanted to be with you, he’d be enthusiastically planning a wedding with you, not putting you off.

KanielOutis · 05/08/2018 21:07

Why 5 years? I started dating my husband mid 20's. The next year we were engaged and the year after we were married. If he wants to marry you he will make plans to make it happen. Don't waste your fertile years on someone who won't commit until it's too late.

caroldecker · 05/08/2018 21:18

If he says no - do not have children and do not give up your job.

1stTimeMama · 05/08/2018 21:39

I think you could propose, knowing full well he might say no, but then how do you go forward without some resentment?

An engagement is just a promise to marry eventually, which is fine, but I don't think you can put a condition of next year on it, as that's not really a compromise, that's just you getting what you want. How's 2.5 years? Midway, time to save and plan, do a few other things.

2 years together isn't that long in the great scheme of things, so I'd try and be a bit more patient.

To be honest, I could never do it, and if I had proposed to my DH, he'd have said no because it's not the way he thinks things should be done. I waited 7 years in the end, but it was worth it.

Original poster
iamabigwuss · 05/08/2018 22:13

Thanks for replies, I appreciate it. I don't think he is commitment phobic as he doesn't really fit the profile. He's very centred on our relationship, tells me often and genuinely that he loves me, and loves talking about our relationship. I've got to know his family and friends and he always involves me in things. I think there are two issues: 1 he just doesn't see much benefit in marriage, whereas it's really important to me. 2 he wants to be in control of all aspects of his life and finds it difficult to veer away from plans and timelines. I try to understand and be patient with him, but I would also like some control over my future with him. I'd feel resentful if I had to wait 5 years.

I accept that I'm being impatient and that next year isn't necessarily such a compromise. The suggestion of 2.5 years is a good one. I think I had a bit of a panic as I was talking to two women at a party who were waiting for proposals 6 and 7 years into their respective relationships and it made me feel like I need to take some action and not just wait for him to decide he's ready.

I think I'll just have a talk with him rather than propose, as that could be hard to recover from if he said no. Thanks again!

OP posts:
PaintedHorizons · 05/08/2018 22:29

you don't mention children - is it not an issue? If not then really does it matter to you when this happens?

WhatYouGonnaDoKatie · 05/08/2018 23:29

I’m with your DP. Marriage isn’t going to change your everyday life. Buying a house is though, and the fact you’re discussing that shows he’s committed - it’s harder to get out of than a divorce!

My DH and I got married two months ago having been together 8 years. We’ve always been committed to each other, but I think it takes time to get to know someone and to me 2 years is really not very long... If he’d have proposed to me after that length of time I’d have laughed at him and asked what the rush was!

Also I totally disagree with a PP about getting married before buying a house - depends on what you want but there is no way I’d have spent money on getting married when it could have gone towards a house deposit...

caroldecker · 06/08/2018 00:10

Getting married is very cheap, unless you want the party.
Getting married is vital if you are thinking of reducing your earning potential with children/wifework etc.

parklives · 06/08/2018 08:14

What selling a joint house is a lot easier and less commitment than marriage/divorce!

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