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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a normal reaction to an unfriendly person?

16 replies

Hooli · 05/08/2018 20:24

Just come back from a hen weekend. I only knew the hen beforehand but everyone there was lovely and friendly with the exception of one girl who was 'frosty' to say the least. She knew most of the people there and was obviously very nice and friendly to them.

The day was in a spa, then a meal out at night, so plenty of opportunity to chat and get to know each other, but she didn't speak to me once. But instead of telling myself that she just didn't like me and that was fine, not everyone is going to, I tried to get her to like me. I engaged her in conversation, complimented her outfit etc... but still nothing.

Is this normal? To want to be liked by people and not be able to understand why they don't? I'm not being conceited, it's not that I can't see my own failings, but even when I've really not liked someone, I've at least made an effort with them in a social situation.

OP posts:
TrainsandDiggers · 05/08/2018 20:29

I’m like you. I bend over backwards to get someone to like me who I sense doesn’t - often at the expense of enjoying time with people that are kind and nice to me. I wish I didn’t as it just gives that person more power. I think it comes from a place of worrying that I’m unlikeable generally (even though I know this isn’t actually true) and can’t move on until I know everyone likes me. Writing it down makes me sound very pathetic but wanted to offer you some support x

WineGummyBear · 05/08/2018 20:31

Some people just take a while to warm up. Like you I would have had a little go at making conversation and finding common ground. If she's not up for it that's her outlook and there's no point in taking it personally. (Easier said than done if she's 'frosty')

isseywithcats · 05/08/2018 20:31

i wouldnt have wasted my time with her like for like, if she had ignored me i would have not bothered engaging with her, im me and if people like fine and dandy if they dont i dont give a toss

TrainsandDiggers · 05/08/2018 20:31

I also couldn’t imagine blatantly snubbing someone. My guess is that there is insecurity on both sides

IamPickleRick · 05/08/2018 20:35

A member of my sister in laws family is like this. She had always blanked me and my children, yet I see her a lot at occasions etc. I am not the type of person to make a huge effort if I sense someone doesn’t like me, so here we are. She does her thing, I do mine.

Original poster
Hooli · 05/08/2018 20:37

Thank you Trains. It has made me feel quite pathetic too and made me really examine why I must be liked by everyone. I know it's linked to my own insecurities but it's just made me feel shit!

OP posts:
PaulRuddislush · 05/08/2018 20:42

The older you get the less you care about this sort of nonsense. Most people like me, I'm pretty sociable and have many friends but I've encountered a couple of people who take against me for no apparent reason. When I was younger I would have stressed over it, now I just think "your loss arsehole". It's very liberating.

Aprilsinparis · 05/08/2018 20:42

It's only human to want to be liked, rather than disliked. I wonder if some people make a show of disliking a
certain person, because they like the attention that person gives them, trying to get them to like them......Does that make sense?Confused

Anonnymouse54321 · 05/08/2018 20:45

If I'm in a group of people I know and one I didn't, I'd stick with the ones I know (disclaimer, I have aspergers so may not be the best person to advise). I don't strike up conversations with people I don't know and I feel awkward being the first one if it's an acquaintance unless I've practised something to say first. But if you spoke to me first then I'd respond so it sounds like she just had no interest in getting to know you. You should have just left it tbh. If someone doesn't like me then that's their problem and I won't try to get them to think otherwise. But if she refused to engage even after you tried then that is rude, but I'd think the compliment giving when she was giving you the cold shoulder just seems a bit arse licking if I'm honest, and I don't mean that rudely but how it comes across to me.

There is a new person at work who clearly has an issue with me despite me being welcoming and sorting some stuff out ready for when they started, first week they were fine, then after they literally won't even look at me and won't respond to me in a conversation with a small group of people. It is rude as we have to work closely together but I always remember what a colleague says, which is kill them with kindness, so I speak really nicely when I have to speak. If I don't need to speak to them then I just don't talk as I refuse to make the effort when someone doesn't like me. Their problem not mine. It's just the blatant rudeness that gets my goat.

restingbemusedface · 05/08/2018 20:52

I used to be very much like you OP, to the point that sometimes I made myself cringe at how needy I was being. There was one particular girl who was clearly not interested in me at all, to the point of being quite nasty, and I had enough and just stopped even trying with her. As a previous poster said, it’s very liberating just not giving a fuck. In fact once I even called her out on her bitchy behaviour and she spent the rest of the night following me round apologising. Now if I sense someone isn’t that interested in being my friend I just don’t bother with them.

NancyFridayWrites · 05/08/2018 20:52

I’m with you OP - make an effort - maybe because when I was young I was very shy so like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I don’t see this as a weakness though - if so no one feels that by rejecting your attempts at being friendly they have some power over you - that’s their problem. It’s hard being us!

CSIblonde · 05/08/2018 21:03

I'd think they weren't great with new people & had trust issues, so I'd let them come to me if they then decided to warm to me. Making repeated attempts can be viewed as needy or a bit full on if you keep trying after an initial attempts first rebuttal.

Nebularin · 05/08/2018 21:07

Hooli - she's possibly shy and takes a while to get to know people.

sussexman · 05/08/2018 21:10

What anonnymouse says. For some people, I'm one of them, it's really quite hard to engage with other people whom we haven't got to know over a reasonable period of time. For people on the AS this is especially true. Now in the situation you describe I'd most probably be polite and responsive - but it would definitely be a lot easier to be with people I already knew. That's not really "trust issues" or "insecurity" but personality.

Furx · 05/08/2018 21:11

A lifecoach once gave me some great advice....

He said in life, 10% of the people you meet you will hit it off with, 10% you will inexplicably fail to get on with. And that’s ok. Just accept it. Focus on the 10% you like. Be cordial with the haters, but ultimately they don’t need you, and you don’t need them.

TheCakeCrusader · 05/08/2018 21:16

If you’ve consciously made the effort to engage with this individual with good intentions, sadly you can’t always expect others to reciprocate in kind. There could be a number of reasons why she appeared ‘frosty’, maybe there’s something else going on in her life that you don’t know about which could be affecting how she reacts or perhaps she just doesn’t want to engage with you for no particular reason. As long as you feel that you’ve done your best to be friendly, that’s all you can do, I think and then to just let it go. You can’t please everyone Smile

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