To want to help my poor friend

[shrubsoles]

But not be sure if actually there's anything I can DO?

Friend of many years has been in an on off relationship for the past 2 decades. About 4-5 years ago he started shagging someone else (because due to friends health issues their sex life wasn't happening). This came to an end fairly quickly but since then they've been in relationship limbo. Still spending a lot of time together (at least 3 nights a week), have keys to each other's homes, go on hols together, everyone treats them as a couple but physically there's nothing going on.

Things have come to a head because he's now shagging someone else (who is married). Friend asked him and he denied it and is generally being quite arsey about it. Married woman, her husband, friend and her ex are all in the same interest club...

Friend is hurt but knows she shouldn't be over him having some one else (although i think he should have been honest with her) but can't quite detach herself. I've given her a good pep talk about how great she is and not wasting her life with this guy who has never really treated her well (she compromised on marriage and kids because he didn't want that stuff). Beyond that I can't do much more can I? I'm happy to do whatever will help her, she's like a sister to me and I hate seeing her so down.

Anyone?

Btw I should say by poor in title I am not referring to finances, just the shit situation she's in.

Short of kidnapping her and forcibly detoxing her from this disrespectful piece of shit I can't see what you can do. She's an adult with - presumably - a mind? You can't fix this.

It's so hard because she deserves more. He's treated her badly, but because her self esteem is on the floor she's allowed him to. I just can't see how to break the cycle. He's not really looking for a relationship so he's happy for her to hang around while he gets sex elsewhere.

It's such a messed up situation and she really deserves better.

You could recommend counselling to help her build her self-esteem and stop repeating patterns. But the only person who can choose to change is her. If she's not ready, there's not much you can do.

Ask her outright how she feels about it - you clearly have an open enough friendship for her to tell you all about it; ask her how she feels, ask her what you can do to make her feel better about it all, how she would like you to support her, listen, and then be there for her - that's about all you can do, really.

She works long hours and lives in quite a location with few amenities (doesn't drive so relies on him for transport) so I think she would find accessing counselling difficult. But I will suggest it.

I have asked her how she feels and she says she still loves him . She knows it's not a healthy situation but doesnt seem to have the fight to get away from it, she's quite dependent on him in various ways.

As an adult, there's nothing you can do except decide how much you want to engage with her on this topic. I don't think she wants you to do anything.

She wants to be dependent on him because that justifies their continuing involvement. You might find she gets angry with you if you try to wean her off him.

True.

It's awful. We're mid 40s, he is older. Thid could go on for another 20 years...Which is a depressing thought.

The best way to help your friend is emotionally detach from this depressing situation. Your friend is consciously deciding this is good enough for her (whatever your thoughts and as sad as it is)

Be a good friend by allowing her to have fun and enjoy her time away from him and with you, be being supportive of her and her illness and by avoiding mentioning him. He is a waste of space, that is a fact, but he is not your friend and she may see the light at some point when she is ready, or she may not, either way helping her become more independent and less dependent on him is the first step.

Has he told her he has found someone else but your friend is refusing to let go?
I'm confused

Friend is aware that he's carrying on with this married older woman. It is pretty obvious. As said they all share the same sporting interest and are members of the same club.

However when she asked him he denied it, and was v defensive. He also gets shitty if she speaks to other men when he's around and if she goes out for a night without him always rings to see where she is.

All of which is a real headfuck.

I have been leaving her to it for the last few years...I thought she would have detached herself by now but really nothing has changed. I would love her to drive as that is something that really limits her (for example she could easily get a better job if she could drive herself there) but I don't think she has the confidence to start lessons.

Is she still unable to have a physically intimate relationship? To him this doesn't seem to be a relationship because they don't have sex, she's more invested than he is. She either decides she wants a companion who gets his physical needs met elsewhere or she cuts ties, he has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship without the sexual side. At the moment he's having his cake and eating it and she's upset, but they don't label their situation as a relationship so it's all very messy.

I feel for her but she is choosing to stay. I'm not sure there's a lot you can do.

The physical issue is now resolved and has been for at least a couple of years.

He doesn't want a relationship at all I think, because if he did why not actually start something with a single woman rather than one who is married?

Counselling, the mn panacea to all angst.as if yea,let’s get counselling
Who funds it?the friend? GP referral then long waiting list? What kind of counselling

A friend of ours had a similar disastrous attachment. She knew how it looked and told her friends she had stopped seeing him. However, she just maintained the connection in secret. For years.