AIBU? what would you do in this situation?

[Schnorkmaiden]

This is probably very outing as not many people have relatives in their 100's but would appreciate some advice

Tomorrow my family are celebrating my Grandma's 100+ birthday - she's mobile but has trouble with short term memory - not surprising at her age

A relative is married to someone with BPD - they have children together plus the father has a girl from a previous relationship who we only found about the last couple of years. She's a lovely girl and she loves coming up and spending time with her paternal family.

The problem is cousin's wife with BPD is making horrible comments to us - i.e she called my grandma a 'grumpy old cow' because grandma had asked where they were going when travelling up to see us and she'd answered 'to the moon' - grandma had replied 'your stupid'

She's embarrassed my cousin when he asked to go for a walk to give my elderly parents time off - she shrieked 'No I don't fucking want to go with you' in front of the children - my mam asked her not to speak about their dad like that in front of the children.

We have a big family get together tomorrow and I know she'll cause a scene - I've said if she does I'll call her out on it and tell her exactly how I feel - some relatives are saying don't say anything as it will cause a scene.

WWYD?

I don't see how you adding fuel to the fire could possibly help. Surely it would be easier to just ask her to leave if she's behaving poorly?

Yeah she doesn’t really sound that bad for someone suffering with mental heath issues.

Your family on the other hand....

My opinion was to ask her leave yes

Our family have welcomed her with open arms and made exceptions for her behaviour - I will not accept someone no matter what their mental health calling 100+ grandma a cow or fucking and cursing in front of children.

As someone with mental health problems, I will say that having them is not an excuse to behave badly. It may explain it, and perhaps you should inwardly cut her slack that you wouldn't give to someone who didn't have BPD. But you have to just treat her like you would anyone else.

Perhaps it is really up to your relative to manage his wife's behaviour and to step in if she says anything inappropriate.

Have you spoken to him about it?