To have reacted this way?

[Stopitjuststopit2018]

Hi. Me and DH have just had a huge barney and I really can’t work out whether I was BU

DS is 2 and is our only DC. Ever since he was born, I’ve done the majority of the childcare at home and definitely have the stronger attachment with him. That’s not to say I hog him, he’s sees his grandparents 3 times a week often spending a full day per week at their house, as well as his aunties (my SILs) for similar amounts as they still live at home with PIL.

DH was never really interested in the first 18 months or so, always saying that he found it “boring” but that he will do more when DS is more “lively”/walking etc. To be fair he does play with him more now and help out with his care more now although DS is still attached to me. Also I should say that he also is brilliant with housework, and cleans/cooks while I look after DS’needs

Every now and again if things are fraught at home (we both work full time, and DS behaviourally is very challenging), he’ll throw in a comment about how he doesn’t feel close to his son and the reason DS won’t allow DH to put him to sleep or won’t settle with him is because I’ve hogged him.
To make it clear, I’ve never stopped DH from getting involved with bathtime or bedtime, he automatically stayed away and I wasn’t going to beg him to help me with something he should have the desire to do as a father.

Sorry this is so long! So tomorrow I have a friends birthday. we had planned that DH would look after DS, and he spoke earlier this week about taking him to the park or to the shops, and other activities

We were talking this evening about tomorrow in general and he said “god I’m just so tired at the moment, I think I’m gonna have the day to myself at home tomorrow and drop DS off at his grandparents”. Bearing in mind that I’m the one that gets up with DS every single night at least twice in the night, and I also work a demanding high pressure job as well, yet I wouldn’t dream of dumping DS on someone else so I could have a leisurely day of catching up on sleep/pottering about.

I sort of said “are you joking” in a really stern way and he basically went straight on the defensive about how busy he’s been at work, how he’s not sleeping, how I think he’s a robot that doesn’t need rest etc, and I argued back that how dare he gives me so much grief about “hogging DS”, but when he is asked to spend time with him to build their bond he’s made plans to palm him off on his grandparents and sisters. Who by the way are doting and amazing with him, but that’s not the issue.
Was I right to call him out on that particular point? He’s taken particular umbrage with the fact I’ve thrown it back in his face
He’s now sulking. Was I being too hard on him??

No-he's just a lazy twat.

That's really weird - do you reckon he's lazy, or that he's afraid he can't cope/DS doesn't like him? Either way you were right to call him out on it and make him spend tomorrow with DS (if he will)

YANBU. At all.

It's easier to blame you for the disconnect than actually spend time and bond with your son. If he does the day and still isn't connected with him, it's all on him and he can't pass the buck. He is protecting his future get out clause

No he’s being a twat.

YANBU - he sounds like a mardy teenager. What a turn off. He needs to spend the day with his son. Threaten to throw it in his face morning noon and night.

He sounds a bit nervous to me and worried that he can’t cope so is lashing out. Rise above bashing him on the head, grin inwardly and do a crib sheet of routine, what’s for lunch and tell him he has to stay at home- if worst comes to worst they can snuggle and watch a film ( dh snoozes if he truly is tired) he’s too cowardly to say he’s scared!

YANBU. Hope his DPs know why they're having DS tomorrow.

YANBU!! Seriously. If he walked out on you he’d claim any acting up on his contact time was because you weren’t supporting his role enough. I think unless you take a zero tolerance approach to such twattishness then they only get worse.

Nope you are right. He is sulking because you called him out on his shitty behaviour, the truth hurts, let him sulk

I’m unsympathetic to your DH.

My DH (who works long hours, with a long commute) would enthusiastically take our twins off by himself to have “adventures” in order to let me have time to myself right from they were babies.

In the ten years since our kids were born he’s never, ever dumped them on the Grandparents when he was in sole charge.

Needless to say he also did nappies, baths, dressing them etc from the start.

I’d be sitting him down for a serious chat. You don’t just suddenly decide one day to become a “good father” once they are fun and easy.

You need to put in the work from the start (or he’ll never find it fun and easy).

My ex never spent time on his own with our DD yet blames me for their complete lack of a relationship now she's an adult. Note the "ex" bit.

You were right to call him out on it, it's his ow fault his so doesn't have a strong bond with him if that was the attitude when he was a baby. Either he is lazy and actually thinks it's ok to off load his responsibilities to his family or he's too scared to look after your DS alone. The fact that he jumped o. the defensive straight away would indicate he knew he was being a selfish arse.

I have said since DS was born that he will regret it massively if he doesn’t start spending time with him sooner rather than later. It’s been infuriating at times but I’ve just got on with it

He knows the “hogging” point is invalid, because DS completely settles with his grandparents and aunts, he loves them and has stayed a few nights at their house without me. That’s becaue they invest quality time into him and enjoy every second of it, it’s paid off - and these are people that don’t even live in the same house as us, just shows what he is saying is complete tosh.

Fully prepared for a face like thunder when I leave tomorrow, and an evening of moaning how tired he is for work the next day

Ex DP was like this with our youngest. I don't think he felt confident, whereas for the first time I did, after having terrible PND with my first.

Your DH sounds like he's lacking confidence, but that shouldn't be an excuse at all.

It's easier to blame you for the disconnect than actually spend time and bond with your son.

In a nutshell.

Well I don't blame you for saying that tbh, but it does sound as if he is nervous about a full day of dealing with his DS if, as you say, DS behaviourally is very challenging so some grandparental backup might be useful in the circumstances!

You were absolutely right to say what you did.

He’s being pathetic. I’m not surprised he’s taken umbrage. He wants to take no responsibility and make his lack of relationship with his son your problem. How disappointing and unattractive.

Regardless of whose fault it is, you're now in this scenario where he doesn't feel bonded to his child and doesn't feel confident about spending time with him alone.

You may be right about this being self-inflicted, but you both win if he manages to put things right, because he will then be able to spend time with his child without you, and you'll be able to take it in turns in having a blissful evening off, safe in the knowledge that the other parent is in charge. It's difficult to support someone who is throwing a strop... but think of the end game.

You have a problem. This seriously doesn't bode well.

YANBU at all. He's either lazy or doesn't feel confident about bonding with your child. Don't let him get away with gaslighting you!

I’d interrupt him every time he started and say ‘ I think what you mean is I haven’t fully realised how amazing you are and I don’t appreciate you enough for caring for ds the way you do.
Every time he says anything.