Aibu to take away dd’s phone

[FrazzledRockRed]

Dd is turning 14 in December. When I asked her dad to pay maintenance he fucked off abroad and has not contributed anything. What he did do when she was 8 years old was post her a smartphone ‘to keep in touch’. I let her keep it only to Skype with her dad. He thought I would say no. Predictably he stopped bothering after a few months.

She started taking the bus home and letting herself in after school in year 6 so I let her have my old iPhone when I upgraded. She’s has had a phone since then.

We installed OurPact on it. This app lets us know where she is and texts us when she gets home or leaves the house. It lets us restrict screen time (we’ve set I think to 2 hrs per day) and block certain websites and apps. This year we let her have Snapchat.

So yesterday I was checking her phone and there were underwear selfies on it. This had happened before- she insisted she hadn’t sent them out. I explained that these things last forever online, you don’t have control of these once they are out and anyone she sends them to could be convicted of having indecent images of a child. She had a dumb phone for several months after this and we gave her back the phone at Christmas and she said she was now mature etc.

I see new underwear photos again the other day! I’ve taken the phone off her . She’s hysterical that her streaks will end.

We are also moving to a new city and she’s saying it’s so unfair that I’m preventing her from keeping in touch with old friends.

She never uses the dumbphone as ‘everyone’ is on Snapchat.

I’m at my wits end.

We also have a code on the tv and she needs to ask us to watch anything. A few nature channels etc are unlocked but she never watches them.

I don’t know how to keep her safe. She is cleverer than me with tech an I’m sure can unlock the tv and has removed restrictions on her phone several times.

What do I do? Aibu to take away the phone as she is too immature to use it safely and give her a dumbphone again?

This has to be troll

Absolutely take the phone off her. I have no idea what a dumb phone is, but the only phone she would be getting from me is one with no camera, no internet access and can only be used to call or text

Bamber, that’s a dumb phone. Just so I can call her and she can call me. However they all seem to have cameras now.

Is it so unbelievable that a child is stupid in using their phone, but I feel conflicted in cutting the social connections especially when we are moving away?

I don't understand about the TV channels - why have you blocked them? Did she actually send the underwear selfies? I would be worried about them (even if they hadn't been sent out). However I would also make sure she has a way of staying in contact with old friends and yes lots of teenagers only use snapchat so I would at the very least let her use it during certain times of the day to keep in touch.

My dd does not read and would watch tv all day if you let her. She has to choose what she wants to watch, (not love island etc.) rather than mindlessly watching for hours on end. We allow her a few episodes of whatever a day.

During the holidays there is more leeway and the tv channels only lock at 9pm.

The snapchat streak thing is a horrible, addictive sneaky life-sucking feature that would put me off permitting that particular app at all. Underwear selfies - she got a second chance, she blew it. Bye bye smartphone.

Absolutely fair enough to take it off her. She is 13. It's up to you whether she has a phone and she has gone against your wishes more than once, putting herself at risk in the process.

She's thirteen and taking pictures of herself in her underwear?
Jesus fucking christ.
Jesus.

RubyLux

She's thirteen and taking pictures of herself in her underwear?
Jesus fucking christ.
Jesus.

why are you so shocked this happens regularly with teens time after time teachers the police warn parents about the dangers of smart phones but the masses insist noty child I was on the local safe guarding board and most of high schools heads time now is sorting out nude pics or the throwing of shade on line

You see it all the time here on MN. Parents 'have no right to invade their childs privacy by looking at their phone's'.

If she was mine that phone would be gone.

I’d agree with taking the phone off her. Do it for a limited amount of time, say a week. After that, I’d allow her say half an hour a day, but only with you sitting next to her watching what she’s doing. She can choose whether to half an hour in one go, or 15 mins in the morning and 15 mins at night. Do this for another week, then maybe increase it.
She has had a chance, and continued with the behaviour. However, whilst I think she should lose the phone temporarily, I also think that she should be able to get it back - hence the above suggestion.
I know you’ve already spoken to her about the dangers involved but keep doing this. Find an article where a picture of someone has got out and show her it. Talk about grooming and CSE.

Thanks. What’s CSE.

It means Child Sexual Exploitation

On an iPhone you can disable the camera (and a whole host of other things) with a passcode.

Might be worth looking into? She would still be able to message her friends etc, but no pictures.

If you can't disable the camera then get rid of the smart phone. She's broken trust more than once and her willingness to take photos of herself in her underwear is concerning. Take the phone away until she learns some self respect. You need to find some horror stories of the consequences of doing this and show her exactly what can happen.

She can have her phone back when she gets her self respect back. End of.