Should I confess this or is it my business?

[biggirlknickers]

I live with my partner and my children from a previous relationship. We both work full time in minimum wage jobs and things are often tight. We have separate bank accounts but split the bills equally between us.

I have a comfortably-off parent who is willing to help financially if asked. I do ask for help sometimes if I’m struggling to pay for an extra curricular activity for example. Up until moving in with my partner, my parent was giving me a small monthly amount to help me out. I asked them to stop when I moved in with my partner (8 months ago). Since then I have asked for help about 3 times (small amounts, around £50 a time). But last time I did this my partner said he didn’t want me to ask my parent for help any more and that we can manage by ourselves. He is right, we can, but yesterday when I was stressing in the supermarket over whether I could afford the small basket of basic food, and one of my children has grown out of all her shoes, I broke my resolve and asked my parent to help out. My partner has no money left until his next payday (about a week away) because he paid for a camping holiday we are taking the kids on soon.

Now I feel bad.

Should I confess to my partner or was this my business?

Your business, I wouldn’t confess or feel guilty. Why make life harder than it needs to be?

Ridiculous. Save his ego and say nothing.

None of his business
And you haven't done anything wrong so he shouldn't be making you feel guilty anyway

Maybe you could approach differently in future eg ask the grandparent to buy the DC shoes rather than for cash so it’s grandparent gives gift to grandchild rather than cash bailout?

I don't think it would be the end of the world to keep it to yourself. But I also think you need to stop doing it. Don't underestimate the issues that this kind of thing creates in a relationship between two adults who aren't coping financially on an ongoing basis. I think you need to talk properly about finances and about what needs to change for this not to keep seeming unavoidable to you, and in the course of that conversation I guess what's happened on this occasion might come out, and that might be a good thing tbh. Your post also isn't really clear about whether you actually can cope without the the help or whether you really can't, so I wonder also if you personally have issues around whether spending is actually necessary or whether it would just be really nice to be able to. (I'm not judging, I'm a bit like this.)

I have good friends who are currently going through an ugly divorce because a mismatch in ideas about what is and isn't essential spending, and a load of help from one set of parents to enable their child's spending habits, escalated into a situation neither of them knows how to fix anymore - I'm not talking about huge debt or addictive spending, just about a quiet erosion of respect for each other. If I were you I would divert your feelings of guilt into making the effort to find a longer-term solution.

T'was a gift

If your parents are well off and want to help you out occasionally then he shouldn't stop them. He probably thinks that you should both be able to provide for yourselves, but if they want to get something for the DGC it's different. My DGM has often bought school shoes for DD, she wants to do it, so I gratefully take the money. It is a gift for DD not for me.

I think you need to talk it through with him again and hopefully he can accept that they want to do this on the odd occasion.

If you must, then tell him Granny bought the school shoes. Because she wanted too.

You don't split money so none of his business I would say. If you are sweating about a basket of groceries or shoes then you clearly needed a helping hand

"last time I did this my partner said he didn’t want me to ask my parent for help any more and that we can manage by ourselves."

It's not his call.

Thanks everyone. You all spoke so wisely but in the end I confessed! I just can’t cope with secrets between us.

He wasn’t overjoyed but it did get us talking about things more.