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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly grandmother quality of life

17 replies

Kko1986 · 04/08/2018 15:40

Sorry if this doesn't belong here and it's very long winded
I won't pretend I'm guilt free I'm as guilty as everyone else a few years ago there was a family feud and my parents and i stopped speaking to my dad's family including my grandmother as she took their side of the argument (Sorry i can't go in to details) for the past year I've had my own problems and I had a little girl.
this weekend I decided to go see her as i dont want to think what if but when I got there I found she was in bed and was told she never gets up hasn't for 3 months unless she was made too I know she's 90 but it broke my heart to see her in a dark room with nothing on no tv radio curtains closed just laying there she gave me a hug and I just wanted to get her out of there I spoke to a member of the family and said she needs a reason to carry on maybe a home so we can all see her and she will have round the clock care but was basically told it's not up to them it's down to the other siblings only one that lives with her and the other two that visit when they chose I know I have no rights and I'm as bad as them as I should have ignored the bitterness and just fought to see her anyway I just can't get her out of 9my mind now that I have seen her is here anything I can do I have told them I will be coming back to see her I won't walk away again

Sorry about the lack of commas and full stops lol.

OP posts:
theOtherPamAyres · 04/08/2018 16:38

Did you say that someone lives with her? I assume that someone opened the door to you and helps with meals/does the shopping/assists with washing-toileting if necessary. In other words, is she being supported in her own home?

If that's the case, and her physical needs are being taken care of, then it would be a bad move to even think about residential care for the sole convenience of her estranged family.

As for the family rift, I think I would do something non-judgemental and uncontroversial like:

I would take a selfie with grandmother and post it to ?whoever? with a take-it-or-ignore-it type of caption: "still smiling at 90".

Sow the seeds of reconciliation little by little. Let the interested parties see your enjoyment at being in her company. It may inspire them.

RoseTinted1 · 04/08/2018 16:40

Does she live at home, is she alone or have a carer etc?

What did she have to say about it? I assume she is physically impaired but not mentally?

GirlsBlouse17 · 04/08/2018 16:46

Did she say anything to you about her life now? Does she manage to get to the loo by herself? Who comes in to look after her and monitor her?

Original poster
Kko1986 · 04/08/2018 16:51

Hi sorry yes she lives with her eldest son at home they have someone come in once a day to get her dressed and washed but he is also registered disabled and deaf.
I know I have no place to interfere I gave up that right when I stopped seeing her she can get around but stays upstairs in bed as she can't see the tv maybe she doesn't see the point she seems to still have a perfect mind. I don't want to suddenly just push in to her life again and take over as I have no right as I said I feel guilty and hate myself for being so selfish I want nothing from her just to know she is ok I will continue to visit maybe too little too late
I had to ask her son to get her hearing aid as she couldn't hear me and it took him so long to find it that she just laid down and stroked my arm

Maybe not a home but more home help for her or something I just feel useless .

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Original poster
Kko1986 · 04/08/2018 17:24

She didn't really say much she seems very quiet and withdrawn I've been told she's been like it since coming out of hospital in may

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lightonthewater · 04/08/2018 17:32

Oh dear. How sad. All you can do is visit her regularly, try to get her out, give her something to make life worth living , and keep in touch with her other children to let them know how she is.

GirlWithoutPearlEarring · 04/08/2018 18:42

OP, sorry to hear about the family feud and that you've had problems. That is heartbreaking for your grandmother. No one should have to lie in a dark room without radio/tv/anything to stimulate and cheer them. And her disabled son can't be expected to look after her properly. She might not even be getting enough to eat or drink. She must be so unhappy and frightened.

Wouldn't the best thing be for someone to get her into a good care home where she'll be with other people and get better care? I'm sure you would see a big improvement. You could visit her and take your little girl. That's such an awful way for someone to spend their last years, and the lack of help for situations like this in Britain in 2018 is just disgraceful.

Look after yourself. I hope a solution can be found, and quickly.

GirlWithoutPearlEarring · 04/08/2018 18:44

Get the GP and social services (what's left of social services!) involved. Maybe your Dad or another relative could do this. xxx

Original poster
Kko1986 · 04/08/2018 19:01

Thank you girlwithoutpearlearring I will speak with them to see what we can do for her I have no intention of not seeing her I plan to go visit once a week just so she knows I'm there for her xx

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Walkingthroughawall · 04/08/2018 19:30

She's a vulnerable adult (and ? the son/carer may be too from your description). I'd second suggesting GP/social services as they may be able to help (emphasising that it's not to get her moved into a home, but to help support her staying where she is if that's what she wants). .

Mustd0somethings00n · 04/08/2018 19:45

You could try speaking to the carer. It sounds like your Nan needs care twice a day once morning and once evening. It would help if her hearing aid was in, but it may need readjusting/tuning, which may need a professional to do. Some elderly people don't want to go into a home, they much prefer to be in their own home, that is their choice (even if is not the best choice)

Original poster
Kko1986 · 04/08/2018 21:15

I will get the contact as you say I'm sure you are right and she would prefer to be home I'm just haunted by what I saw and how low she is stuck in her bed thinking all the time I will speak to the gp and see what they suggest thank you

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GirlsBlouse17 · 05/08/2018 12:49

I think a big help would be to ensure her hearing aid is working and available to her, then ask her what would help make her life easier and more pleasurable. Spend time with her, holding her hand and chatting to her about anything and everything including happy memories and about her life. Laugh and joke with her. Look at old photos with her. Show an interest in her and her life and memories. Ask if she would like a tv and radio. Find out what things she enjoys, what she is missing.

TarragonChicken · 05/08/2018 13:39

I would second contacting her gp. Ask them to assess her for depression and refer her for domiciliary physio/rehab. I don't know what services will be available in your area, but it's worth asking. If she's not been mobile since May, she will have lost a huge amount of muscle strength.

Did her hearing aid work when it was found? Poor hearing (and vision) will make a big difference to her ability and motivation to engage with the world. If she's not had hearing checked lately, her GP should be able to refer her to an audiologist, but companies like specsavers will also make home visits (for a fee) for hearing and sight tests. Age UK may also be able to advise?

I would take photos/iPad with you when you go to try and rekindle her interest in what's going on outside her room. IPod's are great as you can play video etc. In addition to your visits, you could look for local befriending services who will also visit.

brummiesue · 05/08/2018 13:53

That poor woman and her quality of life. I wouldnt hestiate to contact social services, she needs more input than she is currently getting.

Rach5ll · 05/08/2018 14:08

Practical things you could do in the short term is buy her some useful things. I don't know what's relevant but I bought my granny a neck pillow (like a travel one) because her head kept slipping down. A radio, an iPad pre loaded with iPlayer etc. Baby wipes, daily newspaper & a magnifying sheet. Straws. Photos & frames. Can't think what else right now. Sorry if these sound flippant & may not help you but just sharing what helped my gran in her last few months.
Obviously your time would be ideal if you can

Original poster
Kko1986 · 07/08/2018 19:06

Thank you all I'm going to see her again this weekend my aunt and uncles aren't happy that I'm back involved but I have explained I am not after anything just knowing she is safe and happy is all I want x

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