I am unhappy. Is normal? Can it be fixed?

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I’ve been married ten years. I have a three year old.

My husband is distant and disinterested. I find parenting my daughter very, very hard.

Ostensibly, my life is quite nice. I like my job and I like where I live. I actually like my husband, although we’re just a bit hollowed out and ‘flatmatey’ these days. I love my daughter, but I wasn’t prepared for the sheer emotional and physical onslaught of parenthood. More fool me, never mind.

But I’m finding it hard to motivate myself right now. I’m drinking too much, sleeping badly. Fantasising about leaving, although I never would.

AIBU to wish for more? Can I ask you about your experiences of being dissatisfied in mid-life, and, if you have any, your stories about turning things around?

Thanks

3 is a hard age. Early starts, constant demands, still heed help with basic tasks. It gets easier in that respect as they get older and need less physical help from you.

In terms of your husband, do you have babysitters? A regular night out, or night away if you can manage it would help. Or even a nice meal at hione. Set the table, turn tv and Phones off and just talk to each other over a bottle of wine.

I found the first few years of pstenthood hard. I lost myself somewhat. I now set time aside for myself (running) which allows me to be more present when I’m with the family.

Hope you get through this op.

Thank you thirsty. My daughter still naps so I’ve made a point recently of doing some yoga while she’s sleeping and that makes me feel like I have a bit more of my own time.

My husband and I do get a bit of a chance to go out together, every other month or so, which I know is more than many people. The problem with that is that I find it a bit of a slog now, keeping up the conversation 😬. I’m a bit worried that we’re better off not spending too much time together, although that’s very sad as we used to be great friends. I hope it’s a downturn and that there will be an upturn...

Totally understand your feelings here - I’m in a reasonably similar situation. I do wonder if part of it is that you’re just generally not very happy at the moment. Is it worth looking at your diet and exercise levels first? Have you heard of the book The Happy Kitchen? I’ve just bought it and it has lots of interesting insights into which foods make us happy and which make us more tired/anxious/depressed.

I can relate OP, I often have similar feelings. Been married to DH for 9 years and have two DDs (8 and 2). I’m not a “natural” mother, I have to work very hard at it, and I think it’s definitely affected my relationship with DH, I struggle to keep things going in the bedroom as I’m always too tired or just simply not interested. I do love him though and couldn’t imagine being with somebody else.

I also don’t like my job but am stuck with it (for now) because it’s convenient and well paid. I’ve started volunteering one day a week recently while DD2 goes to preschool and that gives me a real sense of satisfaction and fulfilment.

I don’t really have any advice on what you can do to make things better, but just wanted you to know you’re not alone!

Hmm thanks mum of. I’ll look up that book. Actually my fitness levels are pretty good and I eat well. I do drink too much which I know doesn’t help me but unfortunately I use it as a crutch when everything else seems such a grind, so it might exacerbate things but it’s symptomatic also.

Thanks Metalhead 👍. I sort of figure many people must have a similar thing going on so I’m interested to hear how they balance it or cope with it. On one hand, I think things probably do have cycles so perhaps things will get better... but I don’t want to assume that’s the case if actually we’re getting into a pattern of blah which beds in so deeply that, once my daughter is older, my husband and I look at each other and realise that it’s all just petered out ☹️

Alcohol it's a depressant. I'll try to get off it and see if that brings your mood up.

Don't expect your husband to second guess what you need. A lot of people can't predict what others want ( it would be sexist to say most men!)

The phrase that leapt out at me from your post, OP, was:

Fantasising about leaving, although I never would.

It struck me that if you feel unhappy with your life, but have big lines you won't consider crossing, then that in itself is very demotivating. To move through unhappiness there surely has to be at least the possibility for change, otherwise hope for the future dies.

It's not that I'm advising you to leave. Your DD is at an age where parenting is hard work but that will change. But it sounds like you're getting virtually no support or even interest from your husband and your relationship sounds ... stale, to say the least. If you're fantasising about leaving, then why not go a stage further and think about how it might actually be to leave. What would be better? What would be worse? What kind of life could you see yourself having? What's the worst that could happen? What's the best?

I think you need to fully explore that as a scenario before you can really say that you want to stay married. For sure, if you're unhappy, something needs to change.

Do you find you are using alcohol as a treat or an excuse for a hard day, OP?

Sorry, I meant using the hard day as an excuse for drinking, to clarify.

On your "date" nights go to somewhere or something that you don't need to talk at

So not dinner

But theatre or pictures or swimming or gym or art gallery

Just doing or watching things not talking to each other across a table things

Alcohol is a depressant as pp said. Can you cut down at least? Maybe you & your partner need more downtime together more often, to reconnect: even if it's just weekly take out night, (If a date night elsewhere isn't do-able). Toddlers are exhausting, you can feel so frazzled: maybe your partner is finding it a grind too and you need to plan in some fun family stuff, so you feel like there are fun things you can do and talk about/ it's not groundhog day all time: trips to park to feed the ducks, teaching LO to ride trike or mini scooter (all the 2-4yr olds near me are whizzing around on mini scooters once it's cool come 6pm ) going swimming together etc.

In the same boat so you have complete sympathy, you are not alone OP many people are facing his and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone- I have two kids with my husband who is generally lovely, but we have hit the skids since Dc2 arrived and it’s been going downhill ever since. He wanted Dc2 more than I did and now I feel stuck. I was just getting my life and mental health back together after post natal depression with Dc1 (age 4) but then felt guilted into having another.

I hate that I’m the one at home, my income is reduced on mat leave, I’m not a natural At motherhood and I’m struggling, he’s out doing his things and activities, my health (mental and physical has declined) he just laughs at me when I bring it up and says I’m imagining it all and that our relationship is fine (he promised to be supportive but I don’t feel supported).
I posted a thread about our issues and recieved some wonderful advice, but unfortunately for us I think our situation cannot be salvaged.
Well done on making time to do your Yoga, I hope it brings you some peace. As for drinking, I’m not sure what would be good advice but I’m sure someone else will be along with good advice on cutting down. I hope your situation and well being improves.

Sometimes a change in routine is what you need. Can you take up some new hobbies, or go new places? Is there something you've always wanted to do? Can you sit down with DH and talk about how happy you both feel in the relationship and your wants and desires for the future?
Parenting can be a slog, and 3 is a very hard age too. It can be hard to find motivation to do new things when you are so mentally drained, but try to carve out some time for you and some time for your relationship too. These kind of ruts can be really good for some big positive life changes.

I can empathise, but I don't know what the answer is.

What percentage of the parenting chores does your dh do if you don't mind me asking op?

Imho, much of one's experience of being a parent and whether that is a good or bad experience, depends on to what extent one's other half is engaged and committed in the process.

Interesting. I have recently been clinically depressed. My situation worse than yours. Hate my husband. No job. Living in new area.

Have started to do new things I have never done before. Starting to get into new communities through this. Making a plan to find and train in a new vocation. So if you are unhappy, find and do somehting for you that you love. Find a goal, a focus or a passion. You can't force it. Just try different things till you find it. Or look into your past self for a new passion to revitalise. I try to keep my life as separate from DH as possible adn building up a new life, and new me instead.

for a old (not new) passion

Thanks for your answers everyone.

My husband is great. He’s great with our daughter, he’s totally hands on. We share chores. We piss each other off over division of labour stuff but we really do share it in an egalitarian way: I do all of the food shopping and pick up clothes after them etc. But he gets up with her early at the weekend and lets me sleep for a while. There’s much more.

I fantasise about leaving because I dream of freedom. I feel so very trapped, with a man who isn’t interested in me and a child that I feel like I am a shitty parent to. But I chose all of this and I made this prison and I will never leave it. I’d love it if I could make it feel less claustrophobic though. That would be good.

I understand the dreaming of freedom part OP. The very thought consumes me. But I have nowhere else to go and I still love him, in a weird way. Best of luck

Daughter of anarchy; your message really touched me. PND is so insidious. You feel alone in it regardless of what help you have, I think. Can you get him to take some time off? Be kind to yourself; that first year can be really rough. Loads of love to you xxx

Thank you OP. Unfortunately with his job he doesn’t have much time to spare and when he does have time off he is doing his leisure and sports stuff. I’m just waiting it out, maybe when kids are older our relationship may improve, but it feels like life is passing me by. I wish you all the love and luck in the world for your future OP. Take care.