To be honest about sister's death

[everydaymum]

My sister died recently from an overdose. My DM does not want people told the actual cause of death. She was a long term addict and so it wasn't a surprise and an overdose is what everyone will assume. I have no plans to broadcast her death or the cause but if asked directly I don't want to lie. AIBU to admit that it was an overdose or should I respect DMs request to keep it secret? If anything, I would think I that being honest with people highlights the dangers of drugs (if there was ever any doubt).

Your sister suffered from the disease of addiction. No one is immune from it.

If you want to share the truth, do it.

Sorry to hear of the loss of your sister.
I would think it very rude if people asked what your sister died of.

If they asked it would be rude, if they said sorry to hear of the death of your sister and then you discussed her actual cause of death that would be very different.
Some people just do not know how to be polite

Your mums in pain right now and wants to try and reduce it. She will see it’s ok for you to do as you see fit. When the pain is less. Sweet of you to try to keep to her request.

I am so sorry about the loss of your sister.
Whether you want want to share the cause of her death depends maybe on how close you are to the person asking.

It is lovely that you want to protect your Mum but whilst for her not sharing the causeway help her grieving then for you being honest maybe part of yours. Initially, until your Mum has had some time, you could say your sisters death was unexplained.

Your sister suffered from the disease of addiction. No one is immune from it

This is so true.

So sorry for your loss, OP.

What a hard position you are in. I am an open book and would see no need to keep such a thing a secret. No advice though

Surely it would be normal to ask the cause of an unexpected death? And I can see the difficulty in lying about it.

You have to cope in the way that feels right for you. If you want to discuss it you can.

What I would say is that your DM may feel differently in the months ahead, and may feel that your DSis’s death is something she can be honest about.

If you decide to go along with your mum’s wishes, you may not need to for very long.

whats the point of lying an leaving people confused and speculating? It will hurt people who care about her not to understand why she died, also there will be an assumption of suicide.

I've had friends die and not been told about the conclusion from investigations into their deaths - its left me angry and incomplete feeling decades later. ( and still wondering about suicide in one case) I'm sorry your mother is so hurt, but she didn't own your sister and doesn't own information about her death either.

My father died from alcoholism and my mother didn't want anyone to know. She let people think it was a liver issue that was unrelated (he was high functioning). I respected that for a while but it made me angry. Now I tell anyone what killed him; it's amazing how many people experience similar and want to talk!

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

Anyone close to you knows already I’d imagine and anyone else shouldn’t be asking. They can assume what they like but to ask outright would be horribly blunt.

Your mum is hurting and sadly her shame is part of that right now. In time hopefully you can chat with her and she may see addiction as the terrible illness it really is but I can understand she may (wrongly) feel that admitting it was an OD somehow lessens the awfulness of your sister’s death.

People are wankers and can judge and your mum wants to avoid that and to protect your sisters name.

That said you have every right to grieve however is best for you so if it helps you to discuss it then do but maybe keep to close friends for now?

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I can understand that your mother just doesn't want to address the cold, hard facts right now. She has memories of your sister as her little baby girl, her little daughter, and the words 'addiction' and 'overdose' are too jarring. The addiction that took your sister's life also broke your mother's heart - and yours too I am sure. You can tell people you are not able to talk about it right now but you appreciate their concern and sympathy.

There is often a lot of shame involved after a death due to addiction, but also, after such a tragic, avoidable death, people sometimes feel they want to keep the beloved child's or sibling's or parent's life private. The fact of dying should not really make their life or their problems public property.

I would really be inclined to be gentle with your mother, to be kind. I think in time she will be able to address it all.

You can talk candidly to people who really care later.

Your mum probably feels guilty enough without others judging her and and your sister. I expect she doesn’t want to be whispered about at such a hurtful time. I imagine losing your child to be far worse than losing your sister. However I do understand your desire to tell the truth.

Your mother probably a lot of needs support right now so please think carefully before sharing this as some narrow minded people will be more reluctant to support her if they knew the truth. Is there any way you could let the people you care about know at a later date once the funeral has happened and everything has died down?

And I agree with Legageddon.

Same situation as surlycurly. DFiL died of cirrhosis of the liver. DMiL told everyone he had cancer.

I am really sorry for your loss op. Awful for all of you.

I would respect my mother's wishes under these circumstances, but I would not lie. I would simply say it is too soon to talk about your sister (and you could easily say that for years) and you would rather not.
Some people are nosey and do not have your best interests at heart.

Those that truly care for you will already know the truth.

Your poor mum just wants people to think well of her child, it is devastating to lose a child this way and she wants your sister's life to count for something beyond her addiction and tragic ending. I would respect that fully.

your DM's s bit fragile at the moment. you all are.

it might be best to keep it quiet for a while until you're all stronger in the face of any judgement.

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP, I agree with @mathanxiety.
Sending love and strength at this very difficult time.🌹

Sorry for your loss.
However, I think people do not have a right to know what someone died of. The person has passed on; end of.
My cousin died overseas and had a couple of autopsies, there & in the uk to establish cause of death. At the delayed funeral, no one knew.
It was only a few years later, that his wife told me what he died of.

Oh I feel for you. I think your approach what happened is the healthiest. You are not racing to share inappropriately but if asked you plan to answer honestly. I think this is very healthy. Keeping it quiet will be another burden. It's not shameful. Secrets are heavy.

I understand the family dynamic. My mother is the same. There were things I wasn't permitted to share growing up. Made me feel we were all shameful failures. My mother doesn't like it when I say 'I'm a single mother' she reprimands me by saying ''yaloveras!!!!'' She wants me to say I'm single. I'm a mother.

so sorry your going through this.how very sad for you all.
Im sure right now its so raw.to lose someone to addiction is a huge blow too because there is the stigma,often the tough fights and ups and downs that comig with it all mixed in.the addiction has robbed your sister of her choices and now her life and so right now mi sure the mixture of emotions must seem overwhelming.
im unsure what is for the best.but im also aware that it might help you to heal by being honest.
by being angered and grieving towards a bloody nasty illness.so it doesn't go inwards can be something the people left behind need.or they can be like your mum who right now just cant bare any of it.
could you re-talk to her.tell here you hear everything shes saying and take on board all of her reasons.but then letting her know your thoughts too so you might be able to come up with something together.

I am so sorry

Maybe discuss with your close and dear friends and then manage your Mums expectations around her , with her group ?

I must be very hard as sure it was pretty hairy when she was alive too

Look after yourself and again my condolences

ps, reading others' comments and really taking on board what people have said. Yes, the truth must be so hard, putting it 'out there' before she has accepted it herself must be unbearable. It must jar.
I think saying that you cannot talk about it yet is a good response.

maybe let her talk to you about why she feels the need to keep it quite.if it is to do with the burden and shame mental illness or addiction can bring then you could help eaohter through that too.let her no your thoughts and get some rational behind both of your fears and hurts.

First of all, I'm so sorry you lost your sister.

I agree with the PPs that your DM is terrified of other people judging your DSis if they know the cause of death. I expect she feels far too fragile to deal with that right now, and she needs time to process it herself first. And a large part of her must be blaming herself.

And also, bereavement affects us all differently, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Thank you everyone. It is a difficult time, and a hard one to navigate. I think I'll just try and avoid questions - I don't want to lie but I also hear what some PPs have said about DM and her fears of judgement/shame.