Aibu to worry about our different parenting styles?

[Fullofregrets33]

First post. Hello everyone. I've been with my husband for a very long time, and we were together a long time before our 2 lovely children came along. They are both under 10 years old.
You would think you know someone well being together for so many years. When our children came along my husband completely changed. There is no fun in him. Very serious all the time, old before his time.
My main issue is that we have very different parenting styles, he's overly strict and to compensate I'm overly relaxed.
People always say parents should be consistent but how can we be when we are polar opposites?

I'm concerned about the future. to compensate for husbands strictness and lack of fun, emotion and affection I shower them with love and treats etc. Many of the treats are given in secret because he'd take them away otherwise. I know this is not a good thing to do but I can't help it because I feel their father isn't loving towards them. Now It's got to the point where they openly say to me they don't like their dad because of the way he is and they think he doesn't love them. I can't bare this, I hate to hear them say that. I reassure them he does but they ask why doesn't he want to play etc. To be honest I'm sick of making excuses for him. I don't agree with his parenting, I hate the way he is with the children. We play happy families but inside I hate the type of father he is and I'm so sad for my children . We stay together because I don't want him to parent them separately from me where I can't step in. he tells me he adores them and he would never want to leave us, he's great in all other aspects of life and he gives us everything. Any advice?

If you are unhappy in the relationship, and he is a crap parent to your kids, then don't stay.

He doesn't have to spend loads of time with them if you split. Take the lead from the kids. Maybe when he is around less he will appreciate them more.

Can you give some examples? Not all "strict" parenting is bad parenting, and certainly doing things behind your husband's back doesn't sound great.

Why can't you both compromise?

What does he say when you’ve discussed it?

Could it be that he sees you as overly permissive and compensates the other way? Have you discussed it with him? It sounds like you just need to meet in the middle somewhere.

However as the stricter parent (my DH works very long hours and rarely sees our kids so is generally more fun when he does) i do feel a bit resentful sometimes that I am always the bad guy when discipline needs to happen (no one's fault, I am just around them more) so maybe he's just got hself into a negative loop.

What does he actually do/not do? Does he show affection and kindness or is he actually unkind to them?

I can see that you already realise this but giving the treats in secret could well be causing the children to feel their dad dislikes them as he doesn’t do the same.

Do you talk about this? Sounds very hard for you and the little ones.

He won't compromise. Infact hes getting worse.

Would he attend a Parenting Course? Your LA may run Strengthening Families for upper Primary age children.

When he and I are alone, he returns to his old self. We laugh, and joke around and enjoy each other, he's just like this when the children. His whole personality changes. but at the same time he tells me how much he loves them but he can't show it

He is probably thinking similar thoughts about you. You need to sit down, come to an agreement (by which I mean compromise) and stick to it.

Make the children ask him why he is so strict and joyless with them. Make him face it.

So, what does he do?

How old are the kids? Do you think it could be a sort of fear? Like feeling if he opened the floodgates, they might become uncontrollable (not suggesting they would obviously!) and he worries he has to keep them on the straight and narrow? Or just not knowing how to be affectionate with them?

What does he think about it though?

Does he acknowledge it’s not good for the children but doesn’t know how to be different or does he think you should be just like him?

He comes from a family who show no emotion, never hug each other etc. He is the same with us. appears very detached from family life but says he isn't.

pengggwm some examples....

Never allowed sweets or chocolate
Doesn't want them making noise
He will never ever play with them even when they beg him
Doesn't want to take them anywhere
Just always a negative voice when in the house, telling them to stop doing something everything 5 minutes
If we do go somewhere "fun" he has to either pretend he's Having fun but it's all an act (he tells me this) or he will stay on the edge and not get involved.
He never has time off work to look after them if they are ill.
I take them away on short UK breaks regularly, he refuses to come. Whilst away maybe 4 days he doesn't even ask after the children
I suppose from writing this post it's made me realise it's his detachment to the children that affects me the most rather than being strict

It sounds utterly grim op

He NEVER plays with them? Does he do anything at all with them?

Interesting you say he changed when DC came along. It sounds like he’s replaying the lessons he learned in his own childhood.

I just feel so sad. Been together coming up to twenty years and he was my sole mate. He is still there deep down but the way he is a father has just changed my feelings towards him so much.

He is himself, but that doesn't mean he can't compromise. Put your foot down and say you need to reach a happy medium because you're a team.

We are the same - one strict and one fun time Frankie, but it evens out so are family is somewhere between the lost boys led by Peter bloody pan and Victorian rigour in all things. I believe that all things being equal this is how things ideally work out, and we have a head start because men and women are fundamentally capable of complementing each other in this job well that's the bloody dream anyway

I guess I'm saying that perhaps his outlook is actually what you need and yours is what he needs and communicating this explicitly to him might provoke thought on whether compromise is a good idea. We are the other way around but when this argument was put to me over strictness I found the intuitive truth of it very persuasive.

From your list my DD had similar ideas. He did enjoy days out (as long as they were free and away from other people).

We were allowed 3pieces of chocolate on Sunday after lunch, for example and almost never sweets

But we knew he loved and was proud of us. He just didn't find the young child phase easy.

But also most of the time DM and Dr presented a united front. Yes DM was more inclined to say yes, play with us etc. But when it came to permission if one said something the other agreed.

I think you need to make him understand how he is affecting the children. Does he want them to think he doesn't love them? Their relationships in later life might be affected by this detachment he is showing.

Maybe a chat about his childhood and whether he thinks his parents did a good job might be in order? Perhaps with a family counsellor or Relate.

Your children are already starting to play you off against each other. You both need to be on the same page, I would suggest parenting course or counselling urgently. It would be a shame to split if you love each other.

So have you discussed with him how the two of you parent and told him how you see his parenting? And if so, what is his response? What's his opinion of how you parent? I can't tell, from your posts, whether he is even aware you think there is something wrong with how he treats the DC? Whether he knows they have said they don't like him and don't think he loves them?