female perspective needed

[worriedhusband1983]

brand new member, my first post!!

i am having difficulty with the relationship i now have with my wife since the birth of my two children.

bit of back ground info... both me and my wife are in our early to mid 30's, and have been together 16 years (school sweethearts). We got married 6 years ago and have always enjoyed a very healthy relationship, been very honest with one / other and our sex life has never been an issue.

Obviously since the birth of our children things have slowed down (understandably), my wife tells me that she no longer feels sexy and she is tired all the time since having children. (she does stay at home and look after the children as well as work part time, when ever the work is there for her) so i know how difficult that can be and what a toll it can take on her mentally and physically.

i always tell her how amazing she is and how beautiful she is, not to mention how sexually arousing i find her. i offer to take her out on date nights (try and bring the spark back into our relationship) we organised these and then just before we are due to go she will make an excuse or cancel.

i just dont know what else to do, every other aspect of our relationship is great, she is a wonderful mother to my children and she is great to me in every other aspect of out married live, i cant ask for any more in that department. i feel as though we are drifting apart sexually and there is nothing i can do to stop this and it almost feels as though my wife is letting this happen (she doesnt seem to want to fight for this aspect of our relationship).

now i have spoken to her about this and she tells me this isn't the case and she does want to try and fight for our relationship. but her actions say different. now if it a case were maybe we have grown apart sexually or that she no longer craves that part of our relationship, i dont have an issue with that, i can learn to not expect / want this from our relationship but she keeps telling me otherwise which leads me to feel let down.

i was wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this, would also like a woman's perspective of this as well, all comments are welcome...

Stop pressuring her for a start.

Having children is very life changing for women. It changes your body and your priorities and it can take time to get back to "normal"again.

How old are your children?

She will want to reignite things but give her time. Be patient. Listen to her. She said she doesn't want to drift apart but the more you push her the harder itll be for her to engage.

She might be put off the idea of 'date nights' as she thinks she would be obligated to have sex afterwards, which isn't very sexy (or maybe just feels guilt about leaving the children).

I'd put sex on the back burner for now, try to help as much as possible with the household and giving her space whilst you take over so she can relax in a bath, meet a friend for coffee, perhaps cook her a lovely meal at home without expecting anything in return.

There are so many stories like yours, just don't pressure her.

How old are the kids? I think that’s a major point. You have to remember, that before birth control, women could be pregnant almost perminantly, which is incredibly dangerous, so nature helps out by lowering a woman’s sex drive for some time after birth to give her body time to recover. It’s just nature’s way.

She also sounds like she may be depressed, or extremely tired if she doesn’t want to go on dates. The idea of dressing up and going out might just sound too exhausting. I think a better idea is for you to find ways to take the pressure off her. Give her time to relax, run her a long bath, give her a glass of wine and get the dinner on. Or tell her to have a day off one weekend, and you make her breakfast, take the kids out, just give her space to feel human again.

If she has a lot on her plate at the moment and feeling stressed about it, if she feels pressured by sex too, it’s just going to make it feel like another chore on the list.