Daughter's Father

[Cancer2678]

Feeling utterly spent. My daughter's father goes from one woman to the next and then once he's settled he tries to re-establish his relationship with my 5 year old daughter. Then when I allow it he then lies constantly so he doesn't have to meet his obligations towards access, lies about 'major stomach surgery' so they can go for IVF in Alicante... forcing me to cancel my holiday at the last minute. Constant behaviour, no sense of responsibility, the man is a sociopath. A new woman in Worthing apparently, no children. They are apparently getting married, his next victim. She sounds lovely and wants to meet me, do I a) meet her and tell her all the lies and the fact that he has a son she doesn't know about and at least £20k of CSA arrears she knows nothing about, b) keep schtum and think that at least my daughter has a reasonably stable relationship with him for a couple of years before he leaves her for someone else and takes her money, (they're getting married!), or C) somewhere inbetween. Everyone says don't let him anywhere near my daughter but I have two older children and know that if I refuse access she will resent me for it later on, even though it would have been the right decision...

Feeling utterly spent. My daughter's father goes from one woman to the next and then once he's settled he tries to re-establish his relationship with my 5 year old daughter. Then when I allow it he then lies constantly so he doesn't have to meet his obligations towards access, lies about 'major stomach surgery' so they can go for IVF in Alicante... forcing me to cancel my holiday at the last minute. Constant behaviour, no sense of responsibility, the man is a sociopath. A new woman in Worthing apparently, no children. They are apparently getting married, his next victim. She sounds lovely and wants to meet me, do I a) meet her and tell her all the lies and the fact that he has a son she doesn't know about and at least £20k of CSA arrears she knows nothing about, b) keep schtum and think that at least my daughter has a reasonably stable relationship with him for a couple of years before he leaves her for someone else and takes her money, (they're getting married!), or C) somewhere inbetween. Everyone says don't let him anywhere near my daughter but I have two older children and know that if I refuse access she will resent me for it later on, even though it would have been the right decision...

Tell the lovely woman what a bag of shite he is and keep your daughter away from him until she is old enough to see him for what he is.

Does he have access now then to your DD? Can you clarify what that is?

Why does this woman want to meet you? You could indeed tell her all his shortcomings, but that sounds like you're just getting back at your ex tbh rather than it helping your DD in any way (assuming she wants to meet as DD currently is seeing her DF).

My ex-husband was much the same! The lies he told! ( Cancer, half a lung, 16 DC's! ) I let him see his D's but now regret it many years later. Did it, thinking it was the right thing to do! (Found out many years later he used to take him to the pub, get drunk, drive his car at speed etc). Of course ds didn't tell me out of misplaced loyalty. Do what you think is right...you can explain to DD later if necessary.

Work out what you want to say, write it down and learn it.

Something like, how surprised you are that she wanted to meet you, does that mean access will happen now?

Get your point across without being emotional etc.

She thinks she's going to be your DD's Step-mum, so you need to clarify arrangements. She may turn out to be an asset.

I let him see her for 2 hours, hasn't seen her since before xmas. he facetimed her with the new woman, completely disregarded my advice. He would clarify stuff but then disregard as soon as his gf wanted to go out etc... v difficult! to the point that I say no.. but then I'll be the evil monster in years to come!

How old is your dd?

Depending on age I wouldn’t be letting them go unsupervised?

Depending on age you also have to decide what is in best interests . There does become a point picking up and dropping becomes more damaging than no relationship at all.

Thank you. I don't know what dd means.. guessing daughter? She is nearly 6... he is good with her when he sees her but he's a sociopathic potentially psychopath... IMO... I am a completely sensible person, my two boys see their dad all the time, never been a problem. He meets these sensible intelligent women, lies to them and gets my daughter involved. Told him this is the last chance... anymore and that's it. I just don't know how honest to be with this poor woman! Thank you for listening.

And thank you Apehouse… he has as much access as he wishes if it's sensible but he never wants it until he's with some poor woman, putting a roof over his head and he has to tow the line regarding seeing my daughter as they make him. He said the other day, I'll pay as she'll make me! Not, because she can't live on fresh air and I have an obligation!