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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenager Driving Practice

24 replies

Daffodillie · 02/08/2018 17:33

I have just taken my 17 yo DS out for a practice drive in my car (first time). Insurance all in place, instructor says he is competent etc. Etc.

At a roundabout which was on a hill, he started to roll back and I had every reason to believe he was going to roll back into the car behind, so I applied the handbrake. The car then stalled and he had to spend some time trying to move off again.

DS went berserk at me and, hours later, is still raging that I did it, saying I was completely out of order.

Is he BU or was I in applying the brake? I did wonder whether he was just embarrassed at the time but it is going on too long now 😁.

I am an experienced driver but have never taken a learner out before, so wondering whether I over-intervened!!!!!

OP posts:

Medea13 · 02/08/2018 17:35

You were U.

MsHomeSlice · 02/08/2018 17:42

you were unreasonable to intervene, but doesn't seem to me he was in control if the car was rolling back

so to sum up, he needs to realise he doesn't know everything, rolling back is a BAD thing, and maybe some more practice somewhere in the family car is required before being let loose again, and you need to not interfere.

The only rule I had for my teens was if I say stop, you stop, travelling forwards, backwards, rolling, motoring...STOP is not up for discussion

I never had to say it!

RecliningMadness · 02/08/2018 17:47

Hmm. I'm learning to drive currently and my husband has done similar a couple of times, taking the handbrake off and turning the indicator on/off. It totally throws me for a couple of seconds and pisses me off tbh.

It depends how close he was to rolling the car into the one behind. I would've thought you'd be telling him to brake before it got to the handbrake situation.

It is difficult driving with a loved one for the driver and the passenger.

It might be best if the 2 of you could sit down and have a chat when youre not in the car about expectations from each other.

Good luck.

Ginorchoc · 02/08/2018 17:51

If you had every reason to believe the car was going to roll back into the car behind you was not being unreasonable.

BackforGood · 02/08/2018 18:06

If you felt your car was about to roll into the car behind, of course YWNBU.
I have to say though, it is a very difficult thing to teach your own dc to drive. For family harmony, it might be better leaving it to the driving instructor.
After mine had passed their tests (and, tbf, they are both good drivers now), when I put them on my insurance and we went out together for the first time in my car, it was ...er...tense.
What it might help you (and him) to know is that instructors cars are set up differently. They set the 'biting point' differently. They have things like stickers in the window to help judge manouvres, etc. Wheras I, as an experienced driver can change from one car to another, it is ver difficult for someone who is still learning.

Original poster

Daffodillie · 02/08/2018 18:17

Unfortunately I still have the hideous memory of my own DF taking me out for a driving lesson...only the once! We had a terrible row and I got out and walked home 😂

DS's driving instructor has been pushing us to take him out for practice. I'm prepared to admit that I was probably nervous too and we shall just stick to local roads without hill starts and roundabouts for a bit.

Or OH can take him instead!

OP posts:

OhYouBadBadKitten · 02/08/2018 18:21

I love dd dearly (obviously) but she and I are completely incompatible when it comes to me taking her out to practice. I don't say anything but I radiate tension. dh is far better at it than I am, so it's down to him.

cathcath2 · 02/08/2018 19:23

I think that's a reasonable response to you panicking about rolling back: your son needs to realise that you do not have a brake on your side so you cannot leave it as long to intervene as his driving instructor. Tell him to talk it out with his driving instructor.

If you are taking him out again, speak to his driving instructor as to where he takes new learners. 'Learnerville' is a few streets away from me and is where all the driving instructors take their new pupils - no hill starts, wide roads, good visibility and virtually no traffic (apart from other learners). Go there, let him do loads of right blocks (where you go round the block turning right at every junction); practise stopping, moving off, pulling to the side of the road, turning round. Then take him to a deserted car park and let him do repeated bay parks (well away from other cars). In short do lower risk driving and up those skills while he (and you) is nervous.

Stupomax · 02/08/2018 19:50

Good advice from cathcath.

We have to take our teens out. They have to do 70 hours of supervised driving before they can take their test and there's no way most people can afford to pay an instructor to do all of that.

It gets easier but those first few drives are tough. Here they actually make the parents watch a video giving guidance on how to talk to your teen while they're practising, and when to intervene.

ragged · 02/08/2018 20:13

Doesn't sound U to me, OP.
Sorry your DS is so sensitive.
I have some nice memories of learning to drive with my mom, actually, we both laughed a lot.

MsBagelLady · 02/08/2018 20:15

Sounds like his instructor would have put their foot on their brake so no, YANBU. Teenagers can be know it all knobheads.

IceCreamFace · 02/08/2018 20:40

YANBU

If you as the experienced and licensed driver think he's going to crash the car of course you must intervene.

To be fair my friend is a driving instructor and even he won't teach his teenage DC to drive - he says unless they're imminently going to take their test it's often a recipe for disaster. I'm sure some people manage to take their DC out without hating each other by the end but it's definitely not unusual for it not to work.

Budgiegirlbob · 02/08/2018 20:41

you were unreasonable to intervene

But surely that’s the reason leaners have to have a driver in the car with them when they practice, so someone CAN intervene when things are going wrong. As well as advising of course.

OP, I think YWNBU, if you believed the car would roll back and cause an accident. A driving instructor has dual controls to prevent accidents, you don’t, do you had to use the handbrake.

It can be very difficult for teens to practice with parents though - it can lead to a lot of arguements. Perhaps take a break from it and try again in a couple of weeks.

But I would sit down and explain that if your teenager isn’t prepared for you to intervene when things are going wrong, then perhaps it’s better that you don’t take him out for practice.

MsHomeSlice · 02/08/2018 21:13

you can hire dual control cars from some places, so maybe do that for a bit, but I would certainly be talking to him about the attitude, it's not on that he is giving you such a hard time tbh.

Original poster

Daffodillie · 02/08/2018 21:51

There is some great advice here - thanks. I will try and chill out a bit but might just give DS a little reminder about his attitude and its direct effect on his fully-funded driving tuition before we next go out 😁

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2018 21:54

Yanbu at all, safety is first and foremost, if he was going to roll into cars than you did what you had to, prevent an accident.if he was with a driving instructor, they would have to activate the duel controls.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2018 21:56

With his attitude, he is not ready for driving, unless he changes, as it requires a lot of responsibility, it is a killing machine if he is not careful.

itbemay · 02/08/2018 22:01

If he’s having lessons with a qualified instructor I wouldn’t take him out in addition. We did this with my dd and it was a nightmare, similar situations to yours and ended up arguing , spoke to instructor and he felt she was getting confused with me and dh also trying to teach her, we both passed 20+ years ago. She passed first time after about 6 months of lessons. Theory however took her FIVE attempts!! Good luck op you need nerves of steel!

oldsockeater · 02/08/2018 22:07

Sounds like he needs a few more lessons in the dual control car until he gets the hang of clutch control. Also he has a terrible attitude - did he think you should have allowed him to have an accident? The reason you were in the car was precisely to try and avoid accidents.

safariboot · 02/08/2018 22:10

Remind him that as the supervising driving, it's the law that you have to do something if you think he's going to crash.

But considering he's still angry about it hours later, I'd say that was the first and last time he'll be practising in your car.

WhipItGood · 02/08/2018 22:21

How can it be unreasonable to apply the brake if as an experienced qualified driver you really thought it likely that the learner you were supervising was going to hit another car? Not U/r in any way.

The upset about it all hours later would concern me though. I’d need to see a change in his attitude fast before I’d be happy to go out again. I’m not sure teenagers fully appreciate things like insurance and the implications of accidents when they start out.

Sympathies though. Ds used to come back visibly aged from dds early driving practice with him. We’ve still got two more dc waiting eagerly in the wings to get through it all too 😬

WhipItGood · 02/08/2018 22:23

Dh not Ds!

adaline · 02/08/2018 22:31

Ah I don't know. You were right to grab the handbrake but I can also see why he was upset.

It'll be a combination of nerves (going out without dual controls and with his mum - it is nerve-wracking!), knowing he'd made a mistake and feeling embarrassed, and then getting worked up afterwards because he struggled to restart the engine.

I know, I've been there. It doesn't mean he shouldn't be on the road - it means he's a learner who made a mistake, just like every other driver out there. Learning is scary and there's a lot to take in and think about - and mistakes happen. Nobody got hurt - he's probably dented his pride a bit and is a bit upset his mum had to intervene and help him, that's all.

MrsRubyMonday · 02/08/2018 22:42

Having fairly recently (within the last three years) passed my own test, and now driving a lot more with my much more experienced DP, I think what I didn't appreciate for a long time was how slow my reactions were compared to long time drivers. Whilst this is something that comes with time, it can be frustrating when I'm driving, I've seen a situation occuring, car pulling out ahead etc, and DP yells to break when I'm already starting to do so. I know I would have reacted in time, but DP would react faster, so expects that from me too.

It's entirely possible that your son knew the car was rolling, and was about to try to break. He probably slightly scared himself already by letting the car roll, and you jumping in with the handbreak would feel like you also were scared, ramping the whole situation up? If he then stalled as you said, the whole situation likely embarrassed him quite a bit, and teens aren't great with that sort of thing.

I'm not saying you were wrong to do so, obviously safety comes first, just trying to explain how it may have come across. If he doesn't yet realise that his reaction times are slower than yours as he's learning and literally has to think of each step before acting, while you will do things automatically, it may be worth explaining this to him. I would also try prefacing it with recognition of the things he was doing well at, to smooth it over a bit.

Also, my parents only ever took me out to industrial estates/ shop car parks at night in my early driving days, so no risk of traffic or rolling. I stayed with my instructor on the road until I was confident in my ability to drive safely without dual controls.

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