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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend way overstepping boundaries with pregnancy...

20 replies

RageyMcRage · 02/08/2018 12:09

Met up with a friend earlier in the week. We used to be very close but I would definitely say we have drifted apart in recent years. She seems to have latched onto my pregnancy and wants to be really involved and it’s really stressing me out. When I arrived to meet her, she completely ignored me but put her hands on my bump (without asking - eugh) and started talking to the baby in a baby voice (eugh). I don’t know if I am just being hormonal but this was WAY out of line in my opinion and I found it really uncomfortable and stressful. I do admit I snapped a bit and said something like ‘he doesn’t know what you’re saying’ and swiftly took myself off to buy a drink to step away from the situation a bit. She has repeatedly referred to my child as her ‘nephew’ which is really getting on my nerves and keeps talking about how she can drop everything and come over if I need her in labour/for support after birth (we just do not have that kind of friendship so it’s bizarre). She seems to completely disregard any personal boundaries and seems completely oblivious to the fact that I have a loving, supportive husband and family to do all of that stuff. She has this habit of asking ‘are you okay?’ all the time in this really concerned way, like she WANTS there to be some kind of drama or issue she can swoop in and try to rescue me from. She did it all day at my wedding and I had to avoid her eventually because it was so infuriating!

I feel bad because she has been trying for a baby for years and is obviously very excited but if she doesn’t step away and start behaving like a normal person, I am going to completely lose it at some point. I don’t even know how to ask her to back off because she takes criticism so poorly and will see it as a huge personal attack. IANBU though, am I?

OP posts:

SpottingTheZebras · 02/08/2018 12:12

I feel bad because she has been trying for a baby for years

Maybe this is her way of dealing with the pain of ttc or miscarriage/s.

If she is annoying you and your friendship is drifting anyway, then maybe now is the time to move on.

Neverender · 02/08/2018 12:12

It doesn't sound like you like her very much. My best mate did all of this and she didn't annoy me.

Frogscotch7 · 02/08/2018 12:12

Yes and no - I’m impressed if she’s been trying for a baby for a long time that she is able to be so happy for you and want to be involved. Maybe you can just say “I appreciate your interest but you’re going to have to back off a bit or my pregnancy hormones will take over and I’ll lose my rag” or something like that?

toomuchtooold · 02/08/2018 12:13

Oh Christ. Maybe this makes me an awful person but I would slowly withdraw from that friendship. There's nothing to be gained from trying to explain you don't like her behaviour - she'd probably be really hurt and who wants that on top of infertility? If you were great friends it might be worth it, but as it is it'll be awkward for you and painful for her.

PurpleDaisies · 02/08/2018 12:15

If she’s been trying for a baby for years, it’s quite likely that she’s found your pregnancy hard to deal with. Maybe she’s overcompensating in trying to show how ok and “normal” she is around you.

Marylou2 · 02/08/2018 12:16

Back away completely right now. The more quickly you act the easier it will be for both of you. Your friend is not your problem there was probably a good reason you have distanced yourselves recently. She sounds stressful and that’s the last thing you’ll need when you’re pregnant/ have a new baby.

Outlookmainlyfair · 02/08/2018 12:17

I wish I had distanced myself from a friend who told me off for kit sharing my daughter. It took me a year and a holiday from hell to finally accept that she is batshit! Boundaries are important, listen to red flags then you can put in place strategies that can be clear and polite so you can save the friendship.

eromish · 02/08/2018 12:21

Before I had even finished reading this I knew she was either having trouble conceiving herself or wanted a baby but wasn't in a stable relationship/couldn't have a baby for another reason.

My sister got pregnant just after my first miscarriage and for some reason I just desperately wanted to get involved with it. I also got a bit obsessed with other people I knew who were pregnant (I initially unfollowed/hid them on social media because it was so painful, but then switched to basically just wanting to live through them and be happy for them/involved and excited rather than sad and jealous). I literally messaged a girl I went to school with, who I barely knew, when I found out she was pregnant to say that I was there if she needed support. I knew it was weird, but I did it anyway.

Be a bit more sympathetic. Yes it's annoying, but it's obviously her way of coping. You probably need to have a (kind) conversation with her about boundaries, but try to be nice.

BasicUsername · 02/08/2018 12:25

I agree with this:

She is probably trying really hard to show that she isn't jealous and that she is happy for you. It must be really hard for her, but I can understand your frustration.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 02/08/2018 12:27

You don't like her so I'd tactfully withdraw and move on.

2ManySweets · 02/08/2018 12:32

Can you “call her bluff” on this and write it down? Ie “I know how hard this must be on you and how shit and hurt you must be feeling but I’m asking you out of love to dial it down a wee bit”?

That is if you want to save the relationship that is

Laureline · 02/08/2018 12:33

She sounds really bizarre. Personnally I would stop seeing her, especially as anyway you don’t seem to have been really close before (with a close friend, I might try to talk it through).
Don’t feel bad, it’s not your fault she has issues, nor is it your duty to help her fix them.

Petalflowers · 02/08/2018 12:42

Calling the baby her nephew is weird, especially if,you are not particularly close. Actually, it’s quite usual to call,close friends Aunty Jane etc, but not for Jane to call little Johnny a nephew,,if they are not related (if that makes sense).

I think you need to have a conversation, saying that your pregnancy is making you hyper-sensitive,,and not to,touch your bump, and call him nephew, as that can only be used by blood relatives (and you don’t .

The fact that it’s making you uncomfortable shows it’s out of line.
offend them...).

redfairy · 02/08/2018 12:46

For both your sakes I think you need to pull back and reduce your meet ups. I'm sure you don't want to hurt her feelings as much as you don't want to feel overpowered by her

pigsDOfly · 02/08/2018 12:55

Her behaviour does all sound bit odd and ott, but maybe the only way she can deal with her own loss and pain is by being a bit hyper about other women's pregnancies.

It all sounds a bit sad, in the true meaning of the word, and you sound as if you don't actually like her, so what's the point of these uncomfortable meetings.

Stop meeting up with her before you 'lose it' with her and save both of you any awkwardness.

PurdysChocolate · 02/08/2018 12:57

If you still want to see her, I was going to suggest the same as Petalflowers - when she next ask how your pregnancy is going, you tell her your hormones have sent you protective/sensitive mode. "Gosh, I suddenly hate everyone touching me, even DH!" so that when she next touches you can remind her you don't like being touched without it being personal to her.

And when she asks again how you are, you can say brightly that you are feeling great this week, or similiar. Give her no reason to keep asking.

She does sound a bit exhausting.

ladydickisathingapparently · 02/08/2018 13:12

I think she sounds absolutely harmless especially considering you make it sound like you rarely see her. So this is the first time you’ve seen her in the pregnancy? I think you sound like you don’t like her, in which case why bother seeing her?

Honestly OP she sounds far from a crazed stalker.

Is this your first? I wouldn’t worry. By the time you get to two nobody will even notice and by three or four everyone will be rolling their eyes if you mention being pregnant

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 02/08/2018 13:21

It sounds annoying, and I would back-pedal on the friendship for a while. In my experience though, some friends get like this when you are pregnant, whether they have their own kids or not. They lose interest about three months after the baby is born (or sooner if another friend is pregnant by then).

By the time your child is a snotty 2 year old, your friend will have no interest whatsoever!

cutitout · 02/08/2018 13:51

I never put hands on any ones bump and talked to it or let anyone do that to me. Just find it bizarre and abuse of personal boundaries but the rest I have done with my SIL out of genuine love and concern. I struggled through my pregnancy and the first year and wanted her to know that I will understand if she needs help and will be there. As for being there for delivery, I said that too because of her circumstances at that time. So may be she genuinely cares. It's not wise to deny help before you know how it would be like down the line. Tell her that you will ask for help when needed and thank her for her offer. Who knows, you might end up needing it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2018 13:57

Nothing unusual at all about close friends being called aunty or uncle.

It sounds like she’s acting in a similar way to hoe eromish describes. You have no obligation to her. However, I am wondering why you feel this way. Is it your pregnancy or the way you genuinely feel about her?

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