To think DP is being unreasonable?

[MrSpock]

Disclaimer: DP is otherwise lovely and helpful but this one issue is really pissing me off and I need a rant for my own sanity.

DP and I both have ADHD. His is inattentive and mine is combined. Before he was medicated he would sleep for up to 12 hours a day, and without this would be groggy and disorganised. He’s been tested for physical causes and there aren’t any, and his psychiatrist says it’s down to his ADHD. He also, would stay up to ridiculous hours in the morning and then sleep half a day. Used to piss me off as I see this as childish and a waste of the day.

So he’s had issues with his meds not working well recently. And the sleeping issue is back. It’s a lot harder to be understanding about someone sleeping like a student when we have DS1 who’s 3 and I’m pregnant and have hyperemesis.

DP will rarely get up in the morning which means family days are impacted. Hardly anything is getting done in the house, and to top it off, he stays up all hours, comes to bed at 4am and wakes me up when doing so. This is the third time I’ve woken up with a migraine because I was woken in the middle of the night by him coming to bed.

I’ve told him if he keeps doing this, he can sleep elsewhere until his meds are fixed because it’s unfair to wake me up when I’m the one who’s going to be getting up with DS, because it’s not him doing it! He’s moaned about that and is saying I’m being unempathetic and don’t understand that he hates being like this too and once they fix his meds it’ll get sorted.

AIBU to think he should stop waking me up at 4am and sleep somewhere else until this is fixed, and to think he’s being silly about this? He sees it as a personal slight when really I just want to wake up without a migraine.

It's only considerate that he sleeps elsewhere instead of waking you up when you're the one dealing with the kids.

That’s what I said. It’s not the issue that’s a problem as much as disturbing me in the night, when I’ve then got to get up with DS1.

He sees it as him being “kicked out the bed” which it isn’t at all.

Currently your sleep hours are incompatible so you need to sleep separately -if you are pregnant then it is vital for things like the baby’s brain development that you are getting decent sleep. What are your options for doing this? Do you have a spare room? You need to set up two pleasant sleep areas -one for each of you. It isn’t a case of you “kicking him out”but of the two of you agreeing that this is sensible.

What is he doing in his hours until 4am - as it is “child free time” presumably he could get all the cleaning done then (except for hoovering obviously!) so I’m confused as to why nothing is getting done in the house.

How is he managing to hold a job down if he is asleep all day? Does he work night / evening shifts?

We have a spare room and I said we should set it up as a guest room that he can stay in.

He’s currently trying to sort out paperwork (both of us are bad at it due to ADHD) for important stuff like registering at new GP, changing bills over (we’ve just moved) but he gets distracted so it takes ages. He works shifts which doesn’t help.

Agree with PP. He can use his night hours to clean, tidy and do laundry (unless the washing machine is very noisy in which case obviously he shouldn't do that). He should also sleep separately so you can sleep. Tell him he is the one who has no empathy or compassion. Being pregnant is hard, having hyperemisis is a nightmare and with a 3 yr old on top you must be exhausted! He needs to be helping and prioritising your needs over his.

I asked him to get the washing out last night (I put it on and went to bed at 10pm) and he got distracted and forgot, so now all my clothes smell like wet towels too

Bloody annoying! When his meds work, he’s not like this at all.