What is this?

[poodle12345]

This is not an aibu but I really need as many peoples

I can't articulate into words what I'm trying to say, I'm sure there is a saying, definition or such like for what I mean.

Long story short, my children (9, 12 and 15) choose to see their dad even though he is neglectful, and they are scared of him as he has a short fuse and is unreasonable. They have told me that they feel they have to see him because he is their dad but they get nervous around him and find him unsupportive etc. (This is a very short snippet of a very long story in which I have tried to have full custody etc)

My partner can't understand why they still choose to see him if he treats them that way. I've tried to explain to him that I understand why the kids do as it took me until the age of 31 to leave their dad as he was mentally abusive and I see that their dad has the same mental influence on them. But I can't think of a better way to explain it.

Can anyone help me here?

Stockholm syndrome

Fear obligation and guilt. FOG. Look it up.

Your kids are hoping that their daddy will suddenly become the dad they want. Probably not going to happen but they have to come to realise that themselves.

He’s their dad. You’re supposed to love your dad and your dad is supposed to love you. There’s also probably hope that each time they seem him this will be the time that he changes, and is more like the Dad they hope he can be. Kids can get up from a lot of hard knocks as long as they have hope. It can take a long time to give up on people.

Yes probably Fear Obligation and Guilt and wanting their parent to suddenly become a good person. It's not something they can help really, because biological attachment tells us a parent should be someone safe, who loves and cares for you. Realising they are not is very difficult to come to terms with.

Thank you all so much. That is exactly what I was trying to explain.

Given that they choose to see their dad, and although they've expressed to me that they are happier and feel safer with me, but will not go against him and continue to see him- where do I go from here? How do I handle things when I know he is mentally abusing them but it won't hold up in court and the kids will choose to still see him if asked?

I just need advice really as it's heartbreaking to see.

It took me 16 years to realise what was going on and I was an adult- what hope have my children got.

As a parent you have to sometimes make decisions for your children that they do not like

Outpfmydepth- I wish I had that power, unfortunately the courts still permit him custody rights despite interventions from various authorities.

What do you mean by ‘mentally abusing’ them?

Oh my, I'm in pretty much the same situation. They went, they called me to pick them up early because he wasn't looking after them, his new girlfriend was(who they've met once before & her grandchildren were annoying my kids) . He guilt trips them and they're afraid to hurt his feelings because he ' gets sarcastic' with them. They're afraid to tell him the truth about how their feelings. But they love him. It's a horrible situation. I hate having to send them. Sorry not to be any help but I'll follow this thread with interest to see if I can give them some techniques to deal with him. It took me a long time to leave him because he had such a (gaslighting) hold over me. If it went to court, he'd charm the pants off any judge.

Just keep- I mean the gradual mental abuse that happens over a long duration of time in which the children would be too young and to inexperienced to notice it or what it means.

The walking on egg shells, moderating their behaviour in order to not get in trouble for even minor things, the OCD and mild depression my eldest has developed, the anxiety issues my middle child is having (all three children currently with CAHMS). Trying to please their dad in a way that is unnecessary - That kind of mental abuse.

Sorry to hear that Dhal- so heartbreaking isn't it. How old are your children?

Ds11 & dd9, it sounds identical! The eggshells, the modifying behaviour, the 'keeping the peace'. It's no way to live

My DS is having extra support at school for his emotional outbursts and suicidal ideation! It's so wrong that he's having to go through this. I wish he would just disappear!

Ex disappear, not Ds!

That's awful. I'm so sorry to hear that.

It's such a shame that it's not as simple as stopping the children going there. I've done that in the past and because he has PR, there's nothing to stop him collecting them from school. We had this battle. He refuses to acknowledge his behaviour, refuses to change and will not back down. Despite a few police incidents, neglect and the fact I was undergoing therapy for domestic abuse when I left him, Social Services wont get involved 😡

I'm not sure there is much you can do really. I was subjected to the same treatment as a child and young adult.

It is brilliant that you are aware what is happening, and trying to mitigate the outcome for them. Keep being the best parent you can; listen to them, don't minimise their experiences, get them the support and help they need. One day they will probably realise what a toxic person their father is, but I think it's something a child needs to realise for themselves. Everyone has a different 'peak' moment.

Mine has been building for years but my father did something recently that gave me the courage to finally go non contact. My sister has had the same thing happen to her this week, but for her I think it's still on her path of heading towards the peak instead of the THING iyswim?

I can say that if my mum had been half as understanding, kinder and more willing to see the damage then I would be in a much better place now. She still minimises my distress and is a rather self-centred, self-serving, selfish person in many ways. Don't do that. Be the other mum!

Sussuration- I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I can't imagine ever minimising what my children's dad has done or is doing.

It's frustrating that he can get away with it and even more frustrating that I can't do much in the way of stopping it.

What is also difficult, is that I feel judged by many people. Often it's those that have not faved this situation themselves and think that it is easy to just stop them having contact with their dad.

It's really not that easy at all! I've tried for years. He seems to fall under the radar. My solicitor actually advised me not to fight for custody as it is highly likely he will get 50/50 if he asks for it, and I will loose the freedom to stop them going on days that I feel I don't want them to go. Basically once it's Court ordered I'd have to adhere to it.

I have no advice about the courts, but I think it probably is healthier for them to only see their father when they choose to, rather than court forced days.

The difficulty is, your ex-h is probably a skilled manipulator and can turn on the charm for those he wants to keep on side (like social services or the court). Does he have narcissistic tendencies?

I don't want to armchair diagnose but I'm almost certain my father has narcissistic personality and psychopathic tendencies. He is also a high functioning alcoholic, and is skilled at hiding it (or thinks he is anyway.)

I don't judge you at all. I know exactly how hard it is to have a person like that in your life.