AIBU to think women have a mid life crisis??

[Ahardknocklife]

Some of you may remember my post re: cancelling wedding, I got a lot of negative feedback re: wanting the option to put a child (which currently doesnt exist) into boarding school etc to concentrate on my career. Got the thread deleted as the DM picked up on it.

Well an update. Yes i cancelled the wedding. Yes i set the fiance free. He can now find happiness without me blah blah blah. I honestly am now wondering if I'm having a midlife crisis and how long it lasts. Usually it's men who have this!! Do women??? Oh I'm late 30's so as not to drip feed.

I've done the buying the expensive Watch, hangbags, the convertible sports car, the super long holiday, the wedding cancellation and now I'm left wondering if I'm depressed or having a mid life crisis.

Has anyone on here had one? AIBU that being selfish and wanting my own happiness even though I don't actually know what that is???

I have a life crisis about once every 10 years! I think it's normal to become stuck in a rut or unhappy but struggle a bit to work out what the right path is for you going forward. As long as you spend lots of time contemplating that then making changes you should come out the other side. Generally buying stuff isn't going to be what helps you though.

Thanks titsywoo that makes me feel a lot better that I'm not on my own. I just have a tendency to run when it gets tough. How do you cope??

YANBU I do think women have a mid life crisis but for various reasons they are less obvious than men's and I suppose viewed differently by society.

I don't know your personal story so that's just to the headline question.

Nothingontellt. I got cold feet re: Wedding, we were on different paths, he wants kids and a 9 to 5 wife. I want career. And yes a child with potential to put on boarding school if I'm travelling so I can continue with my life. That caused uproar on mumsnet. I'm selfish, should have kids and he deserves better. Blah blah.
Generally men's MLC are laughed off. But shit... if they're feeling anything like I am the I'm sympathizing with them In future.

Well it depends what you are facing doesn't it? For me I tended to have a crisis when I was unhappy in my situation so I changed it. When I was around 20 I was unhappy as everyone else had gone to Uni but I hadn't and got stuck working in boring admin jobs with no real social life after everyone moved away. So I started saving and went traveling for a year. At 30 I was married with 2 young kids but had moved somewhere new 3 years before and was miserable so we figured out a way to move back home and save ourselves a deposit for a house. Now I'm about to turn 40 and my youngest is starting secondary school. I'm bored in my job (which I've been doing for 13 years to fit around kids/school hours etc) and think it's time for a change so I've started volunteering in the career I'm interested in to see if I like it/get some experience then once DS is settled at school I'll start to look for something new jobwise.

Why are you unhappy? What do you want your life to be? What are you searching for?

I would say if you are serious about having a child and sending it off to boarding school so you can focus on your career you might want to rethink motherhood! No offence

You're too young to be having a mid life crisis but we have crises throughout life. Time for a change, you've made one change but perhaps need a new challenge.

Good luck!

Oh no sorry to hear you're suffering as well titsywoo.

What am I unhappy with?? I've no idea. I changed jobs earlier this year. I moved countries back to the UK where I was born. I have a comfortable life in comparison to my friends. I have 4 holidays a year. I have the things people want. All the materials that everyone thinks will make them happy. I have amazing friends and family but I'm just not happy. I've had councilling after losing my nephew (sudden death in teenage years ) and grandad within a year of each other. Both of who were my everything. I know I should be grateful of what I have and the health I have but I just can't find that happiness and can't put a finger on what's making me so unhappy. Hence I wonder if it's a MLC.

Maybe explore some more talking options - see if someone else can help you get to the bottom of things.

Do you actually want children? I don't, and am quite comfortable with my decision but it does mean that I'm a bit out of sync with my friends, and even with society's expectations of me. I feel like I could do with an alternative focus at this stage of my life (mid 30s) but I don't know what this is either.

A mid life crisis is where you get to mid-life which is considered to be about 45-60 and think is this all there is? I think you're a bit young for that you are just unsure of what you want. You need to slow down and spend time by yourself really thinking about where you and what has happened. You seem very confused.

I wouldn't say I was suffering really - I'm just going through another period of change in my life. Sometimes it's a bit scary but it's also exciting!

Men and women can be unhappy. Maybe you have not found things that make you content, happy yet. I think that it's the journey that makes us who we are, so perhaps you have more journey to go, before you find happiness. Nothing wrong with that.

Mid life crisis has always been framed around men though.

Our stages of life etc are different. Mid 30s - early 40s is where we reach the end of our fertile years generally, and seems like a likely point for an "is this it" moment.

As we head into peti menopause so there are hormonal changes going on as well.

I know I had a very weird phase when I was about 41 where I started mooning around over certain TV stars, real proper teenage crush stuff, and it was quite entertaining :D and I suspect the last gasp of my reproductive organs being in full swing!

No point in using "classic" (male) mlc ages and actions as a reference for women, hard not to when men are the default so much though!

Maybe a life coach could help you pinpoint what you want out of life going forward?

I am often moving around- I seem to have a midlife crisis every few years. Have been in the same place for a few years due to dcs bit left my dp.

You keep heading in the same direction looking for happiness and not finding it. Perhaps a change of direction is needed!!

OP if he wants kids so much then he should be willing to work PT or condense his working hours. I actually know and have worked with men who have done both so they could look after their children. This they did while their OH was working.

In regards to mid-life crisis I don't think you were having one but instead just felt you were being pushed into a lifestyle you would have hated and regretted in a few years leading to a divorce in under 10 years.